Child of My Dreams

To the Child of My Dreams:

Since I was a very young child I’ve dreamed of holding you in my arms…. looking into your face and seeing some of myself in you…watching you grow and develop some of my characteristics (good ones, hopefully). It seems now that that will not be the case, and I am extremely sad about that.

I’ve tried so hard to create you, but my body will not cooperate. Each of the nine times that I’ve tried, I could sense your presence with me…your little soul ready to come into being. I’ll never understand why it could not happen for me. Each time I was devastated and cried because I felt I had really lost you…even if you were only in my dreams.

Now it seems that I will say goodbye, but only to part of my dream. I need to mourn the loss of a biological connection to you. But, in the scheme of things, is that really such a big deal? So you may not have the same color eyes as I do, your hair may not be the same color as mine, but you will have the same amount of love from me…that’s a guarantee!

I hope to carry you inside of me…you have been given to me out of great kindness from a couple who has experienced the same devastation and loss that I have. I have to believe that somehow, someway, your soul will find its way to me…otherwise I don’t know how else I will find happiness again. Like the words from the song, “Somewhere, out there, if love can see us through. Then we’ll find one another, in that great somewhere out there.” I love you and always will, even if you are not to be!

Mommy.

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2 Responses to Child of My Dreams

  1. Anonymous says:

    Beautiful.

  2. Melissa says:

    Big hugs to you! Since I have been in the grieving place you are in, I do understand. If you do go ahead with donor embryo or DE-DS IVF, please know that you WILL have a biological connection to your child(ren) (unless you use a surrogate). And you'll be surprised at how much of yourself you will see in that child (or those children). Sure, the genes won't come from you, but a lot of other stuff will — probably the most important stuff. Here's something to read that might help: http://tinyurl.com/2errc5f . All the best to you as you continue your journey! Mom of DE-DS triplets (7 3/4 years old)

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