Advancing to the Waiting and Planning Stage

I have finally advanced beyond the Thinking stage. It took me over eight months. Eight months of trying to feel confident and willing to go the road of motherhood alone. Thinking and evaluating my situation and what is available to me in this journey. Joining the Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) organization.

I knew I had advanced to the next stage when I stopped talking myself out of being a mother. My thinking took a turn to the positive. Hard choices have to be made. I had to ask myself a question: Are you willing to make drastic changes to be a mother? When my answer became a firm YES!! I was catapulted into waiting and planning.

I left my home state 12 years ago and relocated. I have a few close friends here, none of whom I see on a regular basis. The only people I see with any consistency are my co-workers. This is not going to work with motherhood. I will need a village. Presently a village does not exist in my life.

I play the record in my head again. I am willing to make drastic changes to be a mother!!

I decided to move back home. Not just to the state I left — I am moving back to the house I grew up in. My family has agreed to be my village. The family I left to live my own life. The family I felt was weighing me down is the family that now is ready to make my dreams happen.

I have to say all the unknowns scare me to death. I feel my relationship with my mother has majorly improved with distance. So this move should be very interesting.  Economically and logistically this move makes perfect sense. I am willing to take to risk because I finally decided; I AM WILLING TO MAKE DRASTIC CHANGES TO BE A MOTHER.

7 thoughts on “Advancing to the Waiting and Planning Stage”

  1. We all have so much in common! I just started the SMC process last week and am back living in my childhood home with both my parents. My mother came to the clinic with me on my first consultation, which made such a difference. For them, though, I wonder how my plan is going to disrupt their lives if I’m successful – a baby is always a joy, but they are in their late 60s/early 70s and have all their child-raising years behind them. It’s a big ask. I’m lucky to have their support, but only time will tell whether it is better for them and me if I live close by but not under their roof.
    Good luck everyone!

  2. Thank you for this blog!! I’m in the same stage you are, and made my finite decision not long before you. I too live with my family now after living on the other coast. However, I have to agree with Li. I’m SO grateful for my Mom, but we’ll all be better off when I get my own place close by. Next month I’m going to buy a house five minutes from my Mom and about 8 minutes from my sister and her family. I’m glad they’ll be close by, but also glad that I’ll have my own space to live and raise my children the way I think is best. As for setting boundaries, that will always be a struggle. However, I’m lucky that I can tell my Mom just about anything, and we tend to get along better anyway when we’re not living in the same house. Plus, I think she did a great job as a Mom, especially in the beginning. Good luck, and thank you for bringing this up! You might want to think about getting your own place close by before you get pregnant. But, what do I know I’m in the same place you are! Good luck!!

  3. Congradulations for making this BIG step. I am in the thinking phase and moving into the waiting and planning phase myself. When I read your story, I resonated with your situation. I have been living in my home town for 10 years now, and also been living part time in the city an hour drive away from me. I have financial ties with my parents, I am earning income from the business they started. It is also difficult to me to deal with my mother. I am still working on past resentments I have. Still, I am grateful that my parents are still willing to support me, in their way. The most important thing I have to remember is to be very mindful about my boundaries with my mother. I am working on my blow-ups too. I know there are also things she can give and things she can’t. That is why I go to the city for laughter and support from other village members. This is not the easiest time, and sometimes any of you moving back home feel tremendously alone in a town that you grew up in and things have changed. You have support everywhere. There is a tremendous amount of support online. You’re not the only one with this situation. Prayers going out to all of you.

  4. When I wrote this article there is one thing that stands out. I am scared to death. For many reason but the present mother daughter relationship is a concern. Presently my mother and I get alone great. But I am in the south she is on the east coast. When I left Boston we did not have a great relationship. I am going to let the chips fall and see what happens.

  5. You were very wise to recognize that you needed some time and distance from your mom. Many people do not recognize this until it’s too late and some never at all. Hopefully, the time apart has healed your relationship some. All the best.

  6. Families are wonderful support systems – but a caviat. You said you moved away because you felt your family was weighing you down and that your relationship with your mother has benefitted from distance. Be aware that, regardless of how close or not you are with your mother, giving her a major role in caring for your child will also create issues of where limits lie. Will living with her give her the impression she also has the right to make her opinions known vehemently when they differ from yours? I live within 5 minutes from my family and had a wonderful relationship with my mother before I became a single mother by choice. One of the decisions I am thankful that I made was to discuss limits with my mom before I ever brought my child home. Because she isn’t free to make all of her opinions known when she knows she disagrees with a decision I’ve already made and she doesn’t give her “two cents” unless I ask for it, I also make sure I don’t lean on her for everything – even when it is difficult for me to do it without her help. I highly suggest discussing limits with your family. You don’t want to end up feeling like your child’s babysitter rather than his/her mother, you might not want to feel like you are co-parenting with your mom, and you don’t want to lose the place where you live because of a blowup over boundaries. Single motherhood is incredible! I haven’t looked back once and it sounds like you won’t either. But sometimes the wanting can be so fierce we don’t get around to some of the less obvious nitty-gritty. Taking care of some things ahead of time will help make your life with your child so much better – but I’m sure you already know that. Good luck!!! And welcome to this new stage!

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