Revolutionary Living

We can all name some truly Revolutionary People: Thomas Payne. Or some truly revolutionary acts: Rosa Parks taking a seat on a city bus. But there is some truly revolutionary living going on in the US today. And I don’t think all those who do it, do it intentionally.

My aunt who went to law school in the 1970s was one of about 20 women in her lawschool class. That she knew was mildly revolutionary. She was the first female president of the bar association of her state (when I was a freshman in college). That was a mildly revolutionary thing to do. She knew consciously that she was part of the continuing movement to women’s equality in career settings.

Today, there are African American, out of the closet LGBT persons and others who are still blazing trails in certain professions or career levels. However, I don’t think being both a woman and a lawyer makes me that automatically.

When I went to law school, I was in a class that was 51% women. I was not trying to blaze a trail. I was trying to make myself into a woman capable of supporting herself in the event that Prince Charming (PC) never showed up, ran away early or died prematurely.

However, no one sat me down and told me that it would take a revolutionary PC to marry a woman who was a lawyer.

But I believe that is what it would take. As it happens, I went to law school for an extra year and an extra degree (yes, I have 2 law degrees). And I believe non-revolutionary men find that especially intimidating.

Any man who dated me, would have to be comfortable with my education, my career and to an extent, my independence. A part of me would be willing to give up the career for the right guy, but the career comes with debt for which the nice career is helpful in managing, so unless he’s loaded, I’m going to need to continue to work.

In my observation, there are not as many revolutionary men out there as there are educated, successful women. That leaves us with a choice. I could try to demure and humble myself, sabotage my career, lie about my education and try to “land” a guy who would not be comfortable dating a successful version of myself.

Or I could be who I am. I will keep a look out for the “right” revolutionary guy, but I know my chances are slim. Who I am is a really smart woman who has an awesome job and is working on her third professional degree. I am a terrible house keeper, an awesome cook, a cat lover and a liberal. I don’t think any of these things alone is revolutionary.

What is mildly revolutionary, it has become apparent to me, is that I am a woman who wants a child enough that she is willing to do it without the added support of a co-parent. The truth is both my grandfathers were raised by single mothers so they’ve been around a while. The Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) group has been around 30+ years, so it’s not as revolutionary as one might think. However, I think people still see it as a bit of a courageous step. I am becoming a part of the re-defining of the American family. And that is mildly revolutionary.

There are those who look at this as giving up on the dream of meeting the right guy, getting married and having his babies. In a way, that is what this is, but in a way, it is not.

I am already a woman that it would take a pretty awesome and somewhat revolutionary guy to date. And I am convinced that any guy who I could fall in love with or who could fall in love with me, would be okay with the donor-conceived child I will have. Without the donor-conceived child, he’d have to deal with a terrible house keeping, well educated, liberal professional who was desperate for a child. With the child, he’ll have to deal with a terrible house keeping, well educated, liberal working mother who is not desperate, but is simply looking for love.

I expect my priorities will change (or are changing) in terms of the priority of finding a relationship. Having decided to go it alone, I am not making dating a priority right now. I am now comfortable with the idea that I may never meet my PC. I wonder sometimes if I am too cynical for love or if love is just for the young (or the un-analytical). But, it has been years (more than five) since I have met a guy that I thought had PC potential. And I would prefer to be alone than with a guy I didn’t love. Especially, when I don’t have to have my PC to be a mother.

That doesn’t mean that I’d turn down an invitation for an appealing date. I have no idea how or when I would explain that I am ttc if someone asked me out. But I know I would explain before the relationship got serious (and/or sexual). And I expect that would end the relationship (that is if the liberal, educated & lawyer thing didn’t end it). But, honestly, if the “I am planning on having a donor-conceived child” thing did scare him off, I figure that’s just saving me from wasting time on a guy who can’t handle a girl like me. But if it didn’t, I would be convinced that I had a revolutionary guy on my hands & would take it as a very good sign and believe that he is perhaps, PC material.

Then maybe that PC and I could do some revolutionary living together.

6 thoughts on “Revolutionary Living”

  1. I really liked this article. I thought it was very brave and honest. I find the comments interesting. This idea that you will find what you want if you keep a positive mind is a very heated philosophy in our culture today. Of course you need to be open. But you can’t ignore the darker truths. It is not your fault (or my fault) that you/I/we have not found love yet. It is not that we have been looking in the wrong places. There is such a thing as luck. There is a numbers game. I could have stayed with many of my exes but I would have had to give up my spirit, or romance, or sanity. And I see people who are comfortable at compromising this. And I see others who are lucky and truly happy! Good for them! I hope to join them one day! But until then I will not blame myself. And when I have found love, I will not tell single women that they need to keep an open mind in order to find it (unless they are literally too picky about superficial things). Obviously society tells us that you have to get married first and then have a baby. Obviously this isn’t going to happen for everyone in a true and happy way. Obviously this is not our fault. How could true love happen to everyone in their 20’s? It’s illogical. A lot of people get divorced. Maybe I am extra smart because I am waiting for my true knight in shining armor and I have just dodged a potential custody battle. I am planning pregnancy and I will own my child. I am terrified. I am excited beyond measure. Mostly, I am sleep deprived as I change my whole life around to accomodate a new life to be. But I just want to say that I love this article and I think it is true. And we aren’t single because we are looking in the wrong places. We are single because we happen to be single. And one day we may not be. But then we may be again. But we are brave for taking what we can control in our lives, and moving forward toward creating our own family. And we cannot beat ourselves up or each other up about ‘not being open enough’ or ‘looking in the wrong places’. Maybe there’s a whole lot about this life that is just uncertain. Maybe there’s a whole lot more mystery than we are all comfortable admitting.

  2. I am a divorced single mom of two, and just ended a one-year relationship with a man who loved that I have a successful career (his ex-wife did not). Outside of that relationship I haven’t dated many men, but those who I did see also seemed to like that I have a lot going for me professionally, and that I am financially independent. Let’s face it: we all just wanted to be loved for who we are, and gross financial disparities in any relationship make it harder for genuine emotional affection to be the glue that keeps it all together for the longrun.

    I think there is something to be said about putting the right vibe out there — if we focus on the reality that many men prefer less successful romantic partners, then that is what we’ll get. But I maintain that there are many wonderful guys out there.

  3. Thank you for posting this! I so relate to this comment you made: “I could try to demure and humble myself, sabotage my career, lie about my education and try to “land” a guy who would not be comfortable dating a successful version of myself.”

    No woman or man should ever “change” or “lower” themselves just to be with someone. Our dreams can come true without ever going down that path!

  4. “However, no one sat me down and told me that it would take a revolutionary PC to marry a woman who was a lawyer.

    But I believe that is what it would take. As it happens, I went to law school for an extra year and an extra degree (yes, I have 2 law degrees). And I believe non-revolutionary men find that especially intimidating.”

    Oh lord, I could have written this myself (right down to two law degrees!!!) – and yes, they really do leave that stuff out of the law school recruiting materials.

    Really well written.

  5. I may disagree with you on that there are not many guys who would date a succesful woman with a child and a career. I am a single mom, a lawyer too with a well established career and I am now engaged to a guy who is a professional just like me and the truth is that it was so easy to find him that even I was shocked at the beginning. Before I became a mom I had thoughts similar to yours, but after becoming a mom somehow my vision on dating changed and the truth is that I found that there are many men who don’t feel intimidated at all by neither any of my titles nor by my single mom status. Personally, I think I was so focused looking at the wrong people that I missed the right one. I don’t think is a good idea to think that a specific kind of person is hard to find. There are too many people and men in the world and everybody is different, some may be intimidated and run away because you are a professional woman with a child on your own but at the same time there is a big number that won’t mind at all.

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