Dreams

Sometimes I reflect on my life over the years.

15 years, probably more, that I have fought for what I want, for what I believe. I guess in a way motherhood and dating go hand in hand, since my whole life I believed that one was the means to another.

My mother tells me that I have always believed that what I wanted, what I desired was out there. She admired my persistence and fight that it could be real for me, that I stood for what I believed steadfast, despite years of unsuccessful relationships.

Mom always taught me the lesson in life, the lessons of relationships – that you learn from them, that you take the lesson and grow, so the next relationship would be even richer.

Have I had hard times over the past few years? Yes.
Realizing Mr. Right was not here in time. Yuck.
Deciding, grieving the fact that I had to take matters in my own hand and become a single mother by choice. Not easy.
Deciding to do it, and losing a pregnancy, and my infertility in one moment. The most difficult thing that has ever happened to me.
IVF, then my miracle – Aidan.
Made it all worth it.

I remember the first time I sat in the doctor’s office, and meeting the IVF staff. They were celebrating a staff birthday as I waited for my first consultation. I looked up and said to them “hopefully I won’t see you guys anytime soon” knowing deep down I probably would. (I was right.)

My dream – motherhood, was met after that terrible loss of normal baby making without spending 15K. Of course it did not matter once Aidan was born.

I lost a babysitter after 5 weeks, and found Elba. She was a miracle, and she loved my son.

I was ready for him to go to preschool, and she found out she was pregnant, and would have to take care of her own little one.

I squashed my need for companionship, for love and sex and all that made me who i was, and dove into parenthood. I was happy, and my dreams were met. Then almost by accident, I “meet” my boyfriend, my old friend for the past 12 years.
Completely unexpected.

I am still so blown away by his heart, his honesty, and how safe he makes me feel. He has a soul that makes me feel fulfilled and a sense of humor that entertains me.

He has the one thing that I have always dreamed of, what I have fought for for so long-pushing forward and believing that it *could* be possible: he communicates with me. We talk through things – he speaks my belief that “It is all about communication.” I cannot believe it, but alas – it is real.

Is it true that my struggles over the years to follow my dreams, and what I knew to be true, despite what people said – could have lead me to what I have always desired?

One thought on “Dreams”

  1. That’s just lovely. ~sniff~ And thank you for following your dreams and then telling us all about it.

    I too feel like my life is made up of ripples in a pond…if Crappy Thing A hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have been led to Wonderful Place B, which made Awful Person C a part of my life, who led me to Amazing Episode D, etc. I know the sum-total of my life is bliss, even if some of those days or places weren’t the best.

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