To Single Mother or Not To Mother?

‘To single mother or not to mother?’ that was my question.

“Why don’t you want to have a baby the traditional way?” is what I was recently asked by a new acquaintance. And I quickly retorted that “want” had nothing to do with it. I’ve dreamed of meeting my husband and the father of my kids, and still do, but birthday 38 came and went without him appearing. So, I had some testing done and asked three doctors the game changing question, “Do I have time to wait to try to be a mom?” and was told ‘No!’ by all 3. So the question I realized that I needed to answer for myself was, “Am I going to be a single mother or not be a mother at all?”

I deeply felt that these were my only 2 options at this stage. Ever since I had my first baby dolls, I’ve dreamed of being a mom, not just the parenting part of it, but the pregnancy part of it. I want to experience life growing inside me. I want to look at an ultrasound and see the image of her face and hear her heartbeat from the depth of the womb. I want to put my hand on my belly and feel her kick. I want to experience the pain of childbirth and the joy of holding her and looking into her eyes for the first time already knowing her. I’ve looked into adoption previously, and I might again in the future, but first I wanted to try to have a baby that would be as much of me as possible which meant answering the question of whether or not I was willing to do it alone. And, as many of you have probably also experienced, I was capricious about my answer. (Sometimes even now I still waver, which I have learned is common and thus I refuse to feel guilty for it.)

My dream of being a mom through pregnancy won and 3 months after my 38th birthday I excitedly and a little apprehensively decided to pursue insemination. I want to be a mom, even if it means doing it single. I want to look into my baby’s smile and think, “She’s her mama’s girl. She’s a little me.” And so my baby story began!

© 2012 Izzy aka Cherith

25 thoughts on “To Single Mother or Not To Mother?”

  1. I feel like I should let my feelings out, since no one around me seems to understand..and I want a community to understand me, to support me.

    I’m almost 25 and feel like my time is ticking…everyday I get older and older and at school I see already people who have kids, or popping out babies who is far worse situation than me. It feels like a slap in the face. I want to be happy for them…but it’s like putting on a mask. And when I tell them I want one, they brush me off and say that I’m not ready for it…I don’t have this or that. I’m tired of hearing thos words, over and over again. When they ain’t practicing what they preach.

    I’ve waited for Mr. Right…and dated a few men in my life, but none of them are really ready for a kid or the future I’m looking for. I sometimes feel like im unworthy or possibly “ugly” since no one wants a little me around, to kiss when they come home.

    I read all you guys story and it brings a tear to my eye since so many of you have that girl power I’ve been searching for, the stories that make me feel not so alone anymore. That some of you are or is what I want to become.

    I’m in that “thinking” stage..and this feels so right to me, to not have a man, yet still get what I want in life. I hope none of you think that I’m desperate for anything….I’m just tired of waiting…

  2. I’m 24 and want to be a mum I have a great job but cant find a man, I’ve wanted to be a mum since I was young its all I ever dreamed off…. I am looking into DI AI IVF IUI etc. I want to be a single mum any advice I’d like and even if its negative.

    many thanks

  3. I turned 40 in January. I had expected to meet Mr Right, get married and have a family. I always just presumed it would happen but it hasn’t.

    This year a saving plan matured and I planned to go to a clinic and choose a donor sperm and happy ever after… some tests later I’m told my fertility is low because of my age, my follicles aren’t expected to be the best as a result and I have two fibroids in my womb… not quite what I was expecting and I’ve been so up and down and feel I’ve been batted between my own Doctor and a private clinic because as a single woman, I’m not entitled to any help on our NHS.
    The financial implication so far for one treatment is £5.500 ish. If the NHS wont remove the fibroids, that’ll be another £2.500 ish. I was going to re mortgage my house but my parents said they wanted to help.

    I have an appointment to see a gynaecologist in a couple of weeks and its the first step to getting the fibroids removed and onto IVF, injections and God willing, a little miracle.

    I looked for a site like this after I cried a lot with my Dad. I couldn’t find anything in the UK but found this and some of the beautiful posts and I felt empowered and re charged to take every day at a time. It never ceases to surprise me how much the human spirit can endure and yet we manage to dig deep and carry on.

    Thank you for sharing

    1. The SMC blog is just a taste of the posts that appear on the SMC online Forum, where our members discuss every possible aspect of becoming and being a single mother by choice. If you’d like to discuss things further, please join SMC and discuss all this with us!

  4. I became a smbc in 2002 and my girls turns 11 this week. Best decision ever. She is healthy, bright and beautiful. She does wonder about her donor, but we talk about it. I had her two weeks after turning 41, and had a miscarriage first. I must say that I have never regretted my decision and still hope to get married one day. Dating is different now that the baby question is off the table. Not so much pressure, no need to find the perfect DNA donor. Admittedly, I have an open minded family and have not been criticized by them, and I have some other SMBC friends which helps, as does a healthy financial situation. But even if I didn’t have all that, I would still have had my child. You can do it, people with a lot less than you raise entire broods, and you are probably thinking, “I’d just like one!” If you go down this path, realize it is not easy, but your life will be much richer, the rewards are greater than you could imagine. And you still might get married if that is what you want.

  5. Glad I have found this site. I am a single mum who is ttc, well I can’t wait for Mr Right to come along forever, besides they broke the mold when they made me so don’t think there is anyone for me. I just go out and dtd when I am fertile. I know it is not ideal having unprotected sex with strangers but I feel it is my only choice. Broodiness knows no boundaries and you don’t have to be in a relationship to want to give life. I went another site looking for support but it was full of clique happily married women all discussing and replying to each other who obvioulsy don’t think single women have any rights or feelings. My period is 4 days over due I did about 5 tests (home) all neg, and I was tested yesterday and still neg. I was informed that if I was pregnant it would have shown up by now as would be conception date was over 3 weeks ago, but still no period. So, I don’t know what’s going on there.

  6. I am in the ‘trying’ phase and am just discovering the networks of single mothers out there. Reading the books, websites, facebook groups and blog posts is spooky – it’s like reading my thoughts in print!! I’ve been thinking about this for a while and the time has come to move from ‘thinking’ to ‘trying’ and I’ve been blogging about my journey so far.

    If anyone is interested, google planbforbaby.wordpress – it’s very detail oriented, since that’s the stage I’m at. The more philosophical aspects are things I’ve gone over in my head, and with friends and family, for the years of thinking. That was all before I started blogging, so I haven’t included so much of that side of things in my blog. If you’re looking for more of a step-by-step insight into how it goes for me, then please join me on my journey.

    And, although I have actually been very open about my decision with the people in my life, I have kept all personal details anonymous in my blog at this stage, really to protect the privacy of the people I am quoting. They have been very generous in sharing their stories and advice with me and I want to respect that by not publishing identifying information. I hope it doesn’t come across as dodgy that I’m not using my actual name.

  7. I turned 40 in January, which was a major crossroads for me. The previous six months before my birthday were filled with regret, anguish at not being where I thought my life should be. I wanted a husband, marriage and kids and I didn’t have any prospects at all. I wanted to give my kid a father but waiting for that father to show up meant that my chance to be a mother was rapidly closing in.

    I realized while I had no control about the husband and marriage part, I had control about having a baby and being a mother while I still could. I went to my OBGyn for a routine check up to see how much time I had, found I had infertility issues which was a cold reality check for me. I was referred me to an Infertility Specialist, got evaluated, found out I had low ovarian reserve, one of my tubes was blocked all age related and he said I had a two year window period to be successful if at all. The dye had been cast, the doc asked me I’d I wanted to wait, I said what for? time is of the essence.

    Needless to say, I’m getting my IUI done this week and crossing my fingers. I don’t feel scared at all. Once I made the decision to go this route, a sense of calm came over me and all the doubts and frustrations of finding Prince Charming went out the window. I’m sorrounded by an amazing group of friends and most of the ones I have shared with have been very supportive. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I’m in it for the long haul.

  8. I’m 31 and seriously considering becoming a single mother this year. I don’t have a prospect of a relationship and I’m not sure if I want to wait until I’m older. I’m SO confused!

  9. I want to have a baby and I am 38 years old with Mr Right not Not around. I mentioned my desire to my parents who freaked out ( they old fashion type) so I stopped talking to them. My mother had fears how I would raise my child alone. What if something happened to me etc. there is depression and Autism in the family is what she feared. I think she fears what if I don’t get pregrant I would be disappointed. Maybe she is right buts it’s a choice I need to make don’t I ?
    She has saved all my baby stuff. I am not talking to her. They does not care for me. They never did. I have always parented my parents. I have lots of friends & I am sure they will help me out.

    1. Why stop talking to your parents? They are only think of your interest and of your unborn baby. Your parents are your truest friends. Please remember fear is natural red flags.

  10. Tears of joy are streaming down my face as I read all these comments. I turned 41 last November, have never been married and feel the window of fertility/opportunity closing fast. I have the sperm donor catalogue in my bedside dresser, but have been teetering between the “Yes, you can do this” voice and the “No, you can’t” one for the past few months. Finding this group online has filled me with so much joy and confidence that I think has finally drowned out the “No, you can’t” voice. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Much luck and love to all of you angels!

  11. Thank you for sharing your journey! I turned 38 last week and yearn for a child and haven’t been in a relationship for a very long time. I don’t want to miss my chance because I am waiting for something or someone else. Your story helps me in as I start considering becoming a single mom. Thank you!

  12. I’ve been asking myself the same question for the last year or so…and this month, in probably about a week or so…i’m going in to do my first (and hopefully only) IUI round. I’m at the beginning of my cycle, so should be all set to go in next week. Fingers crossed!

    Thanks for sharing.

  13. hi as many of you, i have reached my 35th birthday with no marriage in mind, not even a boyfriend. my mom says its because i’m fat but still i think the type of life i have chosen will make it very hard for me to meet a man who would follow me through my career. i am a diplomat which means basically that every 4 years i have to move to a different country. my ex ex boyfriend has proposed to have a child together without necessarily meaning we will be together. i’m actually thinking in accepting. my life feels reallt linely and i think that a child would give me another reason to live.

    1. I completeley understand how you feel. I have an ex that doesn’t want to have a child with me, most due to monetary reasons but it still hurts. I hope that you decided to havea child. My dream job was to be a diplomat, actually an ambassador and I just could not learn languages. I work in hospitality and have the opportunity to move, but choose not to hoping I will find a man to have a child and start a family. It has not happened, so I want you to know that at least you are following your dream job. Fat or not men love women, so that is not the issue. Have a child and enjoy life – it goes too fast.

  14. As someone that has a 2.5 week old newborn little boy as an SMC, I want to welcome you to the community and tell you that my decision was the best one I’ve ever made. I am so in love with my little Eddie and I have seen such love and support from my friends and family since announcing I was pregnant and now since he’s arrived.

    May your journey to motherhood be all that you hope it to be… use the SMC Forums; they are an amazing support during the journey to pregnancy, through pregnancy and beyond.

  15. I became a SMBC 8 years ago. Two weeks before my 35th birthday I had an IUI with a donor and ended up having twin girls. Best thing I ever did. Before becoming pregnant, I went on a lot of trying to conceive boards where I was told by a lot of women that I had plenty of time and should wait until I found the right man. I did it anyway because my doctor did not feel I had that much time and I desperately wanted to be a mother. As it turned out, I did get back with an old boyfriend a few years ago who is wonderful with my children and right before my 41st birthday, became pregnant the old fashioned way, but miscarried. My sister waited until she was married, which happened when she was 40, to try and she was unable to have any children by then. So I am glad I chose not to wait.

  16. Best of luck to you Izzy! I had my twin girls as an SMC two weeks after my 42nd bday via IVF (after trying IUIs first). Best thing I ever did. They’re now nearly 4 and amazing. I’m even launching a kids business due to my new mom life. Hope your journey into parenthood is as happy and fulfilling as mine has been. It’s hard but worth it. =) =)

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