A Genetic Tie — Does It Matter?

I was lying in bed this morning in the pre-dawn light, gazing at my son and thinking like a million women have thought before me, “Wow. I made that!” And then I remember that technically I didn’t. I didn’t contribute eggs or womb to the final product. But the final product is so much more than a complex collection of cells. He did not inherit those curls from me, but it is because of my care they hang soft and shiny in ringlets. He did not get that golden skin from me, but it is so golden and plump because of the care I give to his diet. And that’s the physical.

If I were not his mother would he still be obsessed with elephants? Would he laugh so much that in time that will effect the musculature of his face and therefore even how he looks. I have said before on the SMC Forum that I have searched and searched inside me for the missing piece, the regret that we are not biologically related and I can’t find it. It is just not there.

And on a less lyrical note, what helped me is understanding that unless you are going to clone yourself, it is very random what selection of your DNA you might pass on. Beautiful people have ugly kids, and brilliant people dumb ones. So even if I were not offended by the thought that an adopted child is less likely to be smart, there are no guarantees anywhere. The only reason I tried to conceive is because I thought it would be quicker and cheaper, which it would have been, if it had worked. I thank god everyday that it didn’t.

7 thoughts on “A Genetic Tie — Does It Matter?”

  1. That’s really awesome. I love the way that it started out (“I was lying in bed this morning in the pre-dawn light, gazing at my son and thinking… “Wow. I made that!”). That in itself says everything about the intensity of the bond that still exists between your son and yourself. Beautiful. 🙂

  2. Thank you for writing this. My daughter came home at 2 days old, and I too have not felt regret that we were not biologically related. She and I have discussed it many times, and she knows that she wouldn’t be who she is if it weren’t for the contributions of her birth parents and of me and my folks. We all played a part in who she is, and who she is is pretty amazing. I marvel at the ways she is *so* me, and the ways she is her own, unique person and sometimes wonder if I am seeing her birth mother in her. Adoption was my first choice, and 10.5 years on I would not change my life today one iota.

  3. As a single woman who is waiting on the birth of her potential son with a birthmother due in Dec I can wholly and completely attest to this and he’s not even here yet. Of course the fact that I am an adopted child probably helps 🙂 what you said, so true.

  4. Thank you, thank you, thank you for voicing what so many adoptive and hopeful adoptive mothers know. The love is there even if the genes aren’t. As a hopeful SMC who chose adoption FIRST it’s nice to see that choice represented here.

  5. Now, that’s just beautiful. I had mine by donor eggs, and they are a treasure beyond price. When I resent the need to do so, it’s not because of my children’s genetics, but because of the price in health to me. My children are perfect. They always will be, and I love what I was given, and I could not have asked for more. In fact, had I not had multiples, I had originally hoped to bear once, and adopt more. I wasn’t certain that I would be *allowed* to adopt, so, I’m glad that you posted this just to let it be known that an SMC *can*. Getting that word out to women devastated by not being able to bear is an important and great service to the community of women and children, alike, even beyond the beauty of the words, themselves.

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