Motherhood – Part 1

Thinking woman looking up on many question signs above head isolated34…single…female…The age keeps changing, but the relationship status does not. It’s been quite a while since I’ve been in a long-term relationship. While I desire a partner in life, a best friend to spend my days with, what I yearn for even more is motherhood. It’s not just a yearning from the heart, but I feel it from my ovaries…from the center of my being.

Throughout college and adult life, I have gone back and forth on what type of career I want to have and whether I even want to have a career at all. The one constant has always been that I want to have children. I want to bear at least one child and then possibly adopt. A mother is what I feel I was meant to be above all else..

At some point in my mid to late 20’s I decided that if I hadn’t met the right person when I turned 30, then I would just go ahead and have a baby by myself. But then I turned 30 and didn’t feel ready, so I pushed it back to 35. In a way, I didn’t want to “give up” yet on finding the right guy and building a traditional family unit. Over the last three to four years I’ve gone over and over in my head whether I want to wait until 35, whether I want to freeze my eggs and keep waiting for him to show up, or whether the fact that I haven’t met the right person means that I wasn’t meant to be a mother after all.

Time and time again I have watched people around me having trouble getting pregnant. As a teenager it seems like it could happen by just laying naked next to a guy.  The reality is that it is hard to get pregnant and now I am afraid that when I’m ready my body won’t be. This is where freezing my eggs comes in, which I had been thinking about before the E! reality shows dedicated episodes to it. It seems simple in concept, but it’s like preparing for IVF…injections, hormones, etc. These are all things I’d rather go through with a partner, but then ironically I’m going through it because I don’t have one.

The part of me that just wants to go ahead with insemination and have the baby on my own is having an internal debate on whether this is selfish. Yes, I want to be a mother and I feel strongly that even alone I would be able to raise a great kid. But, is it selfish to the child? I actually never thought about it that way until I was out with a friend and we were talking about it.

She pretty much blurted out, “That’s kind of selfish, don’t you think?” I stared at her blankly while she continued, “Just because you really want something, doesn’t mean you should do it without thinking of how it could affect this kid who had no choice in the matter.”

While at first I angrily brushed it off, later I couldn’t get it out of my head. Is it selfish of me to decide for the child that she will not have a father? To make the decision for her that I won’t be as available as if I were married? In my mind, if I were married and we could afford it, I would spend my children’s early years at home, at least part time and would be there for all those early moments. I would also be there for all the school meetings, after school activities, etc. Even if I were working full time, having a partner in parenthood would mean that we could take turns attending the school plays or parent teacher conferences while still keeping up with our careers. However, deciding to go at it alone would mean that I wouldn’t be able to be 100% dedicated to being a parent and to my career. I couldn’t have it all, as I was led to believe throughout my years at Smith.

So is it selfish for me to bring the child into the world because I want to be a mother so badly, but then not be able to be the type of mother I want to be? I know that there are thousands of single mothers out there who do a fantastic job, but the majority of them didn’t go into motherhood knowing that they would be single; that they would have to do this alone. They do it because that’s how the cards were dealt, but I would knowingly be choosing to go it alone.

The thing is that we are all different. No two women are alike in the way they feel or think or in what they want out of life. Most single mothers happen into single motherhood. They didn’t dream of that growing up.

Other women who choose to balance motherhood with a full speed ahead career want this life. They don’t want to compromise either, and that is the right choice for them. There are those who don’t have the choice and have to balance both. If I went into this alone, I would fall into the latter category. While that’s a fine choice, it would not have been my ideal choice.

Part 2 of Motherhood will be posted here soon.
Sharon Minski (www.adultgrowthspurt.com)

8 thoughts on “Motherhood – Part 1”

  1. Well said!!! After my miscarriage in 2010 I said, “I would rather be a single mother, than no mother at all”. I began focussing on my career, and earlier this year began looking into the process of freezing eggs. My goal was a child by 30.. well with less than 60 days to my 30th birthday I find myself with this major crossroad… still single, financially stable, no baby 🙁

    When I was younger I had lost an ovary to PCOS, and my biggest fear was that my other ovary would be compromised by the same issue (this is what promoted me to look into egg freezing!) Unfortunately during one of my tests last week they informed me I have a 6cm cyst.. I am now faced with – to accept donor sperm or not? I am single, and not necessarily ready for a baby, but if this is my only chance do I take it? Or regret it forever? My doctor informed me of the Single Mothers by Choice- so I am looking for other stories.. my family is 100% supportive, my friends not so much.

  2. Thank you for this article, I’m currently 29 and have no bigger desire than to be a mother. My mother keeps on telling me that Mr Right will come along but so many people have let me down in my life that I’m not sure whether I’m looking or want to wait for Mr Right. I have set my time limit for 35 and as that magical number creaps closer and closer I become more anxious but I know that I’ll be able to do it.

  3. Thank you for this article. My story is I was dating and living with my Mr. Right at the time I thought he was, for 2,5 years. I met him when I was 37. All the promising and love I felt my dream is coming true and I am finally met my Man. After 1 year together he said we are ready to take to another level and try to have a baby. P.S was I so desperate and Wanna have family so bad I completely forgot about if man really loves you, fiirst he would propossing to you and getting married? But He was keep promising and telling me he will and he loves to me Infinity. After of trying for 1/5year with no luck the reality check is here, I’m 40 and this is not not going to be easy.
    We decided to go for IVF, I knew I have my man by my side and I am strong woman and if it’s meant to be it will happen if not then it’s not, but know at list I tried. With all the doctors appotments getting ready my body for IVF it’s took me about 6 month. Finnally we got all test ready and signed to the window time with our doctor.
    We start with enjectios and bc my bf is a doctor I felt secured and protecting.
    3 days before my egg retrieval, are performed early that morning when I was getting my checked up, my nurse called me at her office. She said we can’t find ur bf blood test and if we don’t have it today by 4pm, my IVF is going to be cancel. Running home confused I was thinking it’s must be a mistake bc my man told me he did fax his blood work to the doctor 1 month ago. I asked my Man what is going on? he said no worries he has it and he will run to his office and fax it again.
    At that time I had no idea what is behind. 5 hours letter I learned he lied and never even went to get his blood work, just stick the bundage to his arm and came home. I felt like I just got stumped with a knife into my heart. I was so shocked I could not even get any reaction. what is know? My man the love of my life was fake and just horrible selfish loser! And I just hate him! My love Money and time I was taking to get ready for having a baby and family just died. After thinking I said to myself I am not a loser, I am not selfish and I am not quitting. With only 20% of possible Success i went to my doctor and bug him to help me. The only option I had, is to be a mother by my choice. I did not begin this journey alone, but now I am at this place through no choice of my own. My single by choice is not really my choice. Maybe God doesn’t make mistakes and 4 month ago I welcome my beautiful angel baby girl. Yes it was so hard, yes, it’s was crazy, yes I cried a lot when I was pregnant being single, yea I was scared and I am still is…
    But I am proud, I am the best mother anybody could ever ask for! My ex loser doesn’t deceived somebody like me to be a mother of his kid. I think is not selfish to be a single mother is much better then being divorced or liar parent. I don’t remember being this happy and I am enjoying every second being with my beautiful dauther and when is time is right my mr. Right will come to my life and he will loves me with my baby, but for now I am living my happily ever after ❤️ And I am not waiting for anybody to Make me happy. I will make sure that I will make sure to be a good mother and father to my baby girl. My story is not right for everybody but it is right for me. Life is to short to live in the shadow or waiting for Mr. Right To have a family, my family is perfect.
    Sorry for spelling Eros I am originally not from here.)

  4. Last year at this time I was in the midst of making the most wonderful and scary decision of my life. At 35 it was the right time. My health was good, I was financially in a good place, and I was emotionally/mentally ready to begin the process. Two months ago my beautiful daughter was born. While the decision I made was right for me, it may not be for everyone. What I know for certain is that my little one is a blessing and I am grateful to be on the single motherhood journey!

  5. I’m so glad I read this article. I am confident in my decision to have artificial insemination. I’m 34, no children, and recently divorced (1 month ago). I am terrified because my bio clock is ticking like crazy and there is nothing I can do about it! The chance of me finding Mr. Wonderful, us falling in love, and finally getting married in time to beat my bio clock; is a slim one. Reading this article made me feel alright about being selfish. In fact, I don’t care about being selfish. The majority of people are or where at ONE time selfish. I guess I won’t be alone. I’ve decided that I’m going to make an appointment tmrw and proceed with artificial insemination.

  6. Thank You ♡ Reading this was like replaying the tape that’s been running in my mind for 6 years. When I was 35 I started saving money to freeze my eggs incase this guy, the next one or the other didn’t work out yet again. Now, I’m almost 41 and started the process of committing to the IVF journey 6 months ago. If this is what you want, don’t delay — it takes time, even once you have decided and already have the money.

    1. I couldn’t agree with you more, Jodi. I always knew my path would include motherhood, I got comfortable with the decision to be a single mother by choice at 35, if I wasn’t on my way to motherhood by 40. After 5 IUIs and 1 failed IVF, lo and behold, at 39, after 9 months of trying by myself, I became pregnancy with my gift, Sadie, now 7 months old!
      I know the timing was right for me, however, I would encourage those who are thinking about it to start the process early, you most likely are more ready then you think!

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