Setting a Date

Calendar fragment perspective shot with partial blurred areas
Calendar fragment perspective shot with partial blurred areas

I just turned 29. All the time I hear “you’re so young”, “wait for Mr. Right”, “you’ve got plenty of time”, from people I talk to about my choice to become a single mother. I’m not exactly shouting it from the rooftops, but I’m not shy about it either. People think I have plenty of time, but I don’t feel like I have plenty of time. And ultimately, its my choice. So the term “thinker” doesn’t seem to fit me anymore. I consider myself a “planner”. I’m making plans, getting things ready.

I want to have an awesome 30th birthday party. I have my girlfriends all ready to do something big. It’s going to be my bachelorette. I think that’s reasonable. I’m going to go from single girl to mother. That’s way more of a commitment of time, energy, and freedom than getting married. I’m settling down, just not with a man. So before I dive into the world of basal body temp, OPKs, and cervical mucus, let’s party! Then its down to business.

I have gone over all my finances (several times now). I want x amount of money in the bank; x amount for the actual trying to conceive cost. I want to have my will, estate plan, guardianship, insurance and all of that in order. There are things I want to do to the house (like add stairs on to my deck so I don’t have to walk down to the basement while I’m pregnant to let the dog out). I feel like I can have everything ready in a year. I feel like 30 is a good age to do this. If I thought I could just throw all caution to the wind, I would start trying tomorrow. I’m just not that type of person. I do have some time, so I want to be as prepared as I can. (prepared…for parenthood? Is anyone really?) So…I’m waiting. Waiting to try. Waiting to wait to ovulate…to wait to test…to wait to try again…to wait to have the baby. I’m not the best at waiting…

So I felt like I should set a date. Somehow it felt really important to me so say “this” is when I’m going to start. Not, sometime next year, but a real date. I’m still on the pill (isn’t it strange how much of our lives we go to really great lengths NOT to get pregnant?) so I counted my weeks. I will have a period February 1st 2012. So that will be my first charting cycle. I talked to my OBGYN and she said I need a clean cycle without the birth control pills and to be on the prenatal vitamins before I start trying. So assuming it all works out… I’ll have my period on the first of February; chart the month of February; have another period somewhere around March 1st; and, assuming my cycles are even kind of normal, be ready to have my first insemination around mid March. Woah! A date! Something I can actually count down to! Even though I’m not doing any more to work toward becoming a mother than I was before…somehow it feels like I am. Each day is a day closer.

I feel better having a date. Will it all go according to plan? Probably not. A year can be a long time for something to go wrong. But, for now, I have a plan. I have a date and a time when I really begin my journey to become a mother. I hope this year goes by quickly, and uneventfully. 354 days to go!

6 thoughts on “Setting a Date”

  1. Reading this makes me feel so much better about this being a thought in my mind at the age of 28, going on 29 at the end of this year. I just got out of a 3 year relationship. We were very serious, lived together for 5 months and before that, we spent day in and out together – we were even talking about marriage. After moving in with him, I learned that he had been lying to me the entire time we had been dating about things. Things that I felt completely necessary for me to know being that we lived together or before I moved in and especially talking of marriage and children in the future. Well, I ended the relationship 3 months ago.. I now realize it was very toxic emotionally for me because a lot of bad things started to happen in the end. Before I met him, I was single for 8 yrs. Dated A LOT in my early 20s but, always disappointed in the types I met, and continued to meet, not feeling they were on my level whether they were 2yrs younger or 7yrs older than myself. So I never committed myself to a boyfriend until this guy and only 1 prior in high school. Moving forward, I am going to be 29 in december. I am currently moving full speed ahead on catching up on my career. Last year all my closest girl friends 4 of them got married last year. The weddings made me excited and gave me something to look forward to with my other half at the time. That made the breakup harder. Now 3 months out from the end of the relationship, I have done so much thinking. I have had hypothyroidism, Hashimotos disease and symptoms that did not but could have if not treated on time caused me to have cervical cancer. Pre cancer cells have been gone for a yr now. The Dr says I should be able to conceive with no problem but with family and my own parents have fertility difficulties, I fear that if I wait too long, it may never happen for me and I really want children. Even if I have to be active in making this decision and plan alone. Although I won’t be, I have lots of very close friends and my parents would be greatly supportive. I would have no clue where to start. I am so happy knowing this could be an option and that I’m not ridiculous for for thinking about this so soon. Time goes by so fast. Feels just like yesterday I was 25 and celebrating my life after so many obstacles. I don’t want to wait for mr right because it has already been too long. And I feel that I don’t have another 8 years to wait. Thank you for this post it helped me put so much into perspective. Just praying I have the continued support from friends and family with whatever decision I make.

  2. I’m 35, single, and want to become a single mother by choice. I have one dilemma: I am asexual and a virgin. I have had relationships with men, but due to childhood emotional trauma (which took 4 years of psychological therapy and life coaching, I am happy to declare that I have been free of antidepressants for 9 years now as I have come to accept and love myself), I have an aversion to sex and had put it off to the point where I face this situation where anything done transvaginally would be a definite no no. I would like to know where to begin and am so confused on how to get started. I know I have a long way ahead of me and so many challenges to face, but I am up for it. I personally feel that there is no age limit as to when you want to decide to have a child, it’s just that when you think its time, then its time.

    1. Sorry to hear of your trauma, and congratulations on getting therapy and life coaching. Perhaps you might try therapy again to help specifically with this decision. Such a big decision seems worth discussing with a professional therapist. Best of luck to you as you grapple with this.

      1. Thank you for understanding where I stand. You are right for me to have some life coaching advice as I embark on this journey. I plan to set an appointment with my doctor soon. I have been looking for these options and realize that I am not alone in this situation and there have been ways for people like me to enjoy being a mother as well. I have also come across some blogs of someone younger than me in the same situation and the comments and judgemental critisms about her viriginity where hurtful. I agree wholeheartedly that there should be counseling before taking this step and I truly appreciate your support. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you!

  3. I’m looking into the IUI procedure and your article has given me just an insurance that i’m not crazy for being a 29 year old(30 this coming May ’16) and waiting to do this on my own. I’m starting my process this March as well!! I have all the family backing and trust I need. I currently live with my parents to save money and help with baby while I’m at work and can get a house in the next yearish. They’ve been a great support team for me! I get a lot of funny looks and comments. “are you a lesbian?” No, “just wait a few years more for the right guy.” By the time I actually find someone to I want to spend the rest of my life with, date him a few years, get pregnant, I could be 35 by the time this all happens. I don’t necessarily want to be that age to have a child. Not like you can’t be 35 to have a child. It’s just not the path I want. My biggest fear is cost in all of this. The procedure isn’t covered by my insurance and the cost of the donor. What if it doesn’t work in the first 1-4 tries?

    1. Good question! We invite you to join the Single Mothers by Choice organization, and post all of your questions on our online discussion Forum for our members. It’s private, just for members, and we discuss everything and anything related to becoming and being a single mother by choice on there. To join, go to our website, http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org.

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