Revolutionary Living

We can all name some truly Revolutionary People: Thomas Payne. Or some truly revolutionary acts: Rosa Parks taking a seat on a city bus. But there is some truly revolutionary living going on in the US today. And I don’t think all those who do it, do it intentionally.

My aunt who went to law school in the 1970s was one of about 20 women in her lawschool class. That she knew was mildly revolutionary. She was the first female president of the bar association of her state (when I was a freshman in college). That was a mildly revolutionary thing to do. She knew consciously that she was part of the continuing movement to women’s equality in career settings.

Today, there are African American, out of the closet LGBT persons and others who are still blazing trails in certain professions or career levels. However, I don’t think being both a woman and a lawyer makes me that automatically.

When I went to law school, I was in a class that was 51% women. I was not trying to blaze a trail. I was trying to make myself into a woman capable of supporting herself in the event that Prince Charming (PC) never showed up, ran away early or died prematurely.

However, no one sat me down and told me that it would take a revolutionary PC to marry a woman who was a lawyer.

But I believe that is what it would take. As it happens, I went to law school for an extra year and an extra degree (yes, I have 2 law degrees). And I believe non-revolutionary men find that especially intimidating.

Any man who dated me, would have to be comfortable with my education, my career and to an extent, my independence. A part of me would be willing to give up the career for the right guy, but the career comes with debt for which the nice career is helpful in managing, so unless he’s loaded, I’m going to need to continue to work.

In my observation, there are not as many revolutionary men out there as there are educated, successful women. That leaves us with a choice. I could try to demure and humble myself, sabotage my career, lie about my education and try to “land” a guy who would not be comfortable dating a successful version of myself.

Or I could be who I am. I will keep a look out for the “right” revolutionary guy, but I know my chances are slim. Who I am is a really smart woman who has an awesome job and is working on her third professional degree. I am a terrible house keeper, an awesome cook, a cat lover and a liberal. I don’t think any of these things alone is revolutionary.

What is mildly revolutionary, it has become apparent to me, is that I am a woman who wants a child enough that she is willing to do it without the added support of a co-parent. The truth is both my grandfathers were raised by single mothers so they’ve been around a while. The Single Mothers by Choice group has been around 30+ years, so it’s not as revolutionary as one might think. However, I think people still see it as a bit of a courageous step. I am becoming a part of the re-defining of the American family. And that is mildly revolutionary.

There are those who look at this as giving up on the dream of meeting the right guy, getting married and having his babies. In a way, that is what this is, but in a way, it is not.

I am already a woman that it would take a pretty awesome and somewhat revolutionary guy to date. And I am convinced that any guy who I could fall in love with or who could fall in love with me, would be okay with the donor-conceived child I will have. Without the donor-conceived child, he’d have to deal with a terrible house keeping, well educated, liberal professional who was desperate for a child. With the child, he’ll have to deal with a terrible house keeping, well educated, liberal working mother who is not desperate, but is simply looking for love.

I expect my priorities will change (or are changing) in terms of the priority of finding a relationship. Having decided to go it alone, I am not making dating a priority right now. I am now comfortable with the idea that I may never meet my PC. I wonder sometimes if I am too cynical for love or if love is just for the young (or the un-analytical). But, it has been years (more than five) since I have met a guy that I thought had PC potential. And I would prefer to be alone than with a guy I didn’t love. Especially, when I don’t have to have my PC to be a mother.

That doesn’t mean that I’d turn down an invitation for an appealing date. I have no idea how or when I would explain that I am ttc if someone asked me out. But I know I would explain before the relationship got serious (and/or sexual). And I expect that would end the relationship (that is if the liberal, educated & lawyer thing didn’t end it). But, honestly, if the “I am planning on having a donor-conceived child” thing did scare him off, I figure that’s just saving me from wasting time on a guy who can’t handle a girl like me. But if it didn’t, I would be convinced that I had a revolutionary guy on my hands & would take it as a very good sign and believe that he is perhaps, PC material.

Then maybe that PC and I could do some revolutionary living together.

4 thoughts on “Revolutionary Living”

  1. Thanks for writing this. I was laughing when I read “I am a terrible house keeper, an awesome cook, a cat lover and a liberal.” – I am like, that’s me! though not such a good cook so far(I mean, if I have a reason try, I could:) I am trying too and just made a brunch plan w a potential date next week so your story really resonates with me. Great reading for a beautiful spring day. Good luck w everything!

  2. I love this! I don’t have 2 degrees, but I’m a pediatric nurse working full time (and more), I own a home, I set goals for myself and I follow through. I love my independence, but I have for many years been searching for my PC. About a month ago, when I asked my oldest friend to be my KD, he said, “So, you’re giving up.” I said, “No, I’m taking control. I’m not waiting longer to rely on someone else for a child. But, I’m not giving up on the idea that I’m still lovable.”
    And yet, in the last month since I made the decision to have a baby, I’m happier, I’m focused and ready. And I don’t feel pressure–mostly from myself—to find my perfect match. In fact, I don’t even really care about having a boyfriend…and as you mentioned, explaining this plan would most likely derail most men anyway. What you said about the desperation to have a child…that has been me for so long. Every relationship came down to whether that would happen, and I truly believe now that maybe it was meant to go this way. For me to find my child FIRST, and then maybe my partner. Just in the last couple weeks someone I met on a vacation a year ago began to pursue me heavily. We were talking all the time, he said he was thinking about me constantly—and I of him. But he doesn’t want children, so we have no future (he knows my plan)….and we acknowledged this. So, for the first time maybe in my whole life, I nipped it in the bud right away and said I couldn’t go any further. Despite my curiosity, my interest in him, my feelings of flattery and everything deep down that made me want to see “what if”—I am deciding that this is the beginning of ME AND MY CHILD–and we have to come first.
    This site has been so helpful getting me through wondering if I’m crazy. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not!

    1. You’re welcome! And for ongoing discussion, support and information, perhaps you’d like to join Single Mothers by Choice (SMC)? You can find out more by going to our web site, http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org. We have local meetings all over the country and a lively, active online discussion forum.

  3. This is my comment for you. I’m a single parent, I was married but divorced and am a little similar to you. I went to MIT, have two masters degrees, made a decent income. I had to get divorced because that kind of PC you described is few and far between and I’ve never ever seen one (the man always has to be superior in intellect and you sound super smart so the intimidation factor is great). Well I’ve been a single parent since my son was 1 and he’s now 12. I will tell you, it has been the most amazing 11 years of my life. Once you have children, i believe, you will never look for PC, it’s so fulfilling and yes it’s tough, but you can do it on your own. My parents and siblings have all pitched in. If you have a circle of girlfriends they can help too. It also helps if you live in the Northeast like New York, Massachusetts or Pennsylvania because they are used to non-traditional families. I made the mistake of moving my non-traditional family to the midwest and it was a DISASTER! Not my fault, but people who were absolutely not aware that there are millions of families like yours out their. Their ignorance was quite handicapping for me and my son. I’ve never met a mother that regretted having her child and since yours would be by your choice, not your husbands, your clock or a mistake, it will be even more fulfilling than it is for the rest of us.

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