Not Thinking About Thinking That I Could Be Pregnant

notthinkingI have now done everything I can to avoid thinking about the possibility that I could be pregnant this time. It’s amazing how the mind works, the barriers, coping mechanisms, whatever you want to call them, how your mind can shut off and block out something that is exciting and hopeful that could potentially be devastating. I wondered why I am thinking about my career 4x as much as I usually do and for no reason aside from the fact that it is safer to think about than thinking about not being pregnant. It’s so weird, I think about if my little egg met the best sperm ever and if it’s happening, if cells are multiplying like crazy down there inside me. It makes me happy to think about….for like 12 seconds and then my mind wanders right on over to my viability in my profession, if I should welcome other offers, climb that ladder higher, make more money so I can be more comfortable and set myself up for childcare one day…. stop it!

I would like to use this time as I have before, to center myself, be hopeful and not stressed and in the here and now. Be calm, happy and together, prepared for either outcome. But this time my brain won’t let me. It feels like an animalistic protective reflex that is happening. Yikes, I am even trailing off writing about it.

It’s funny how I am so in tune with the little pangs in my girl stuff – I can feel teeny pains. Last year, when I started this whole shebang, I really began to pay attention to it. I got good at it, and every time I felt something, anything, I would think “aah, this is it, I think the sperm just found my egg, it’s happened!” or, “oh wait, maybe this is the exact moment that my egg popped out of my ovary, yay, it’s on it’s way down the fallopian tube” or a few days later, “sweet! I feel something, maybe this means that it’s happening and the zygote is making it’s way down to nestle into my uterus!” But then when I got my period I realized that it was nothing, none of those moments were anything, and if they were it didn’t take. And after it didn’t work in April, when this part of my cycle came around again, I gave myself a break.

The amount of time from when you find out you aren’t pregnant to the time that you have to get yourself back up and go for it again is too short for me to deal with back to back. I realized that last year. And so I gave myself a month. I felt all the same pangs as I had before and realized it’s just normal stuff happening that I had just never paid attention to before. So right now as I sit here typing this I am feeling a little cramping and even though I just wrote that it’s just normal stuff, I really am hoping it’s not and that I actually am feeling something exciting begin to happen. What a roller coaster of craziness. I feel like an insane person who is being really cool about it.

Last weekend was a holiday weekend, so of course, timing was everything, but it worked out great, whew. OF COURSE I took it as a sign that “it’s going to work this time!” My doctor’s office was closed all weekend through Monday and I had an appointment scheduled for my IUI on Tuesday afternoon, just in case the timing lined up. Well it did. I peed on an ovulation stick once a day and on Monday I got a smiley face, woowoo.

I picked up the tank of sperm Tuesday morning, left it in my car hoping it didn’t get too hot, but I couldn’t bring it inside my office. Everybody is so curious and I wouldn’t have been able to pull it off. It’s too big. I went to my appointment at 3 but sadly waited just under an hour to be seen. It made me cry. Not because I was nervous or scared, I had done this before, that wasn’t it. But I felt a bit neglected, this was a very big thing for me to be doing and if the doctor was running late, the office should have called me to let me know. It was a work day and I knew being gone too long would stress me out. And I was by myself. It just felt rude.

Turns out the patient before me was very late to arrive and it screwed things up. I know things happen but sitting in the waiting room for 30 minutes alone with my tank of sperm and all the hope in the world, and then in a room wearing a paper gown for another 20 really bummed me out. I was disappointed and upset. I am doing this solo, not with my loving husband holding my hand and it is a very big deal. It made my mind wander to questioning if this is the right month to do it, or do this at all, should I just leave, etc. It was stressful and inappropriate. I let my doctor know how I felt a little bit, but I also didn’t want to piss her off, I am trying to get pregnant and I need her help.

It all went great after she was present, I saw my giant egg follicle on the ultrasound and it looked like it was already in the process of ovulating, there was fluid, blah blah blah, anyways, this was as close as I have come in the timing department. And my cervix was even dilated a centimeter, we joked that it was saying “come to me!! get in here!!” to the sperm. It actually did hurt a little bit this time, which only lasted a minute, if that. And then I laid there giving the sperm some time to not have to fight gravity. The last thing I wanted was to stand up and have the sperm all fall out. At $700/vial that would be terrible. She used 1 vial and I returned the second one with the tank, no need to come the next day. And so I wait.

Natural as possible, even though it feels a little bit like a rigged compass.

Making a Life in LA

One thought on “Not Thinking About Thinking That I Could Be Pregnant”

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I am 8 days into my wait, and I notice each and every little thing. Last month as devastating…5 short days to get positive, get yourself together and try again…the eternal optimist.

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