From a Mom of a Little One Through Anonymous Donor IVF

momkissbabyIn the popular media, single mothering by choice is always about these crazy women who go looking for sperm donors like they’re ordering pizza toppings — Tall? Check. Good SAT scores? Check. Mushrooms? Check.

In reality, it’s not about the sperm. It’s not about the donor. It’s not about the turkey baster or the petri dish. It’s about the milky smell of a newborn, the little fingers that clutch mine when we cross the street, the worries about paying for college and whether the plastics and the scented baby shampoo will poison my toddler. It’s about motherhood, not about men. So that’s why I’m leaping to add my voice to this blog. I want people to understand why so many of us are doing this. I’ve always known I was a mother, I just needed a little help to get there. And I thank God — thank God thank God

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Posted in fertility, IVF, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, trying to conceive, ttc | Leave a comment

It’s Just A Date

40th CakeHow pursuing my dream of having a child made dating more fun.

I had often assumed that some women, unlike me, were able to date lightheartedly. Unconcerned with a hoped-for long-term outcome, these women could treat a date as just a date. They found a way to relax and have a good time. These women, I further suspected, were free to be themselves with their dates and so were the ones finding the right partner.

As these musings might indicate, my single dating life was often riddled with worry. When dating a man, I was rarely fully present. My mind ran the back story. I’d size him up, then rocket mentally into an imagined future. Is he the right fit for me, and I for him? Is he commitment-phobic? Am I? Are we wasting our time?

Of course, sometimes, there was true hope and love. But the stifling “what-ifs” commanded

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Posted in dating, donor insemination, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor, trying to conceive, ttc | 4 Comments

An SMC via IVF

iStock_pregAAXSmallI waited for a long time to find Mr. Right and start a family but that never happened. Finally, I was at an age where I needed to make a choice.  I investigated adoption and hit many barriers.  So, I decided to see a fertility specialist.  I decided against insemination because of my advanced maternal age (I was 45 at the time), but decided to go the IVF route.  I initially wanted to use my own eggs, and according to my test results, I could have tried.  However, after much research of my own, the percentages I was finding for successful term pregnancies using my own eggs vs. a donor egg were about 5% vs. 50%.

I thought and prayed about it and finally decided that if I was willing to adopt a child, a genetic connection wasn’t all that important to me.  However, knowing that the fetus was well

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Posted in donor egg, donor insemination, embryo adoption, infertility, insemination, IVF, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor, trying to conceive, ttc | 1 Comment

Have Another

sisterszooThe only question Single Mothers by Choice seem to debate as much as “Should I become a single mother by choice?” is, two or three years later, “Should I have another?” It’s the same questions, the same concern. Can I handle two by myself? Can I afford another? Will it be too hard? Will I ruin what I’ve already got? What if they baby isn’t healthy? What if my pregnancy or adoption journey has risks? What will happen to my first child when a second comes along? The same questions, but entirely different.

I feel like a bit of an exception. I didn’t debate either question much. I always wanted to be a mother. I had few relationships, none of them long-term. I felt strong and capable of doing it alone. My family and friends were supportive. When I was three months pregnant with my first child, I ordered six

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Posted in family size, motherhood, parenthood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | 5 Comments

If You’re Thinking of Becoming a Single Mom…

 

CT Fertility Doctor _ Fertility Specialist Fairfield County_Dr. RichlinWhy Attend Single Women Pursuing Parenthood Educational Event?

As the founder and one of the leaders of Reproductive Medicine Associates of Connecticut’s (RMACT) SingleMomstoBe program, I want to share with you our vision for how our program can work for you to create your family.

The presentation is specially created to start a conversation, which will include input from you. Because this is a live event, we will have a chance to meet each other in person and answer questions you have in a comprehensive way.  Plan on hearing specifics on medical and technical aspects:

Ooyctye or egg freezing (much in the media these days)

 Intrauterine inseminations

Donor sperm

In vitro fertilization – IVF

You may be very familiar with these terms or they may be brand new. Either way, I will be able to fill-in details about these family building procedures.  Although being online or using a

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Martyrdom?

I was recently approached about submitting an essay on single motherhood to a magazine. I sent the editor a précis of my motherhood to date: began trying to conceive when I was 36, unexpectedly conceived identical twins, babies contracted twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome in utero. Had experimental surgery. Babies survived. Had tons of help from friends, sister, and Mom. Moved half a country away when my daughters were four. They’re now eleven .

The editor asked some follow-up questions. Could I talk more about my support network? In what ways is it harder to build one versus having a built-in one, i.e., a partner? What do I do when I want to brag to someone about something “awesome” my kids have done? And whom do I talk to when I want to tear my hair out?

I thought about this for a while before I responded. The editor seemed genuinely perplexed.

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Posted in children, donor, donor insemination, family, insemination, parenthood, parenting, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor, women's movement | 1 Comment

My Only Regret is That I Waited So Long

I’ve always wanted to have children, always wanted to mother. I’ve been an au pair to other families, spent time with all of the kids of friends and family. I hoped and assumed, of course, that I would have a family of my own when the time came.

I suppose that’s the tricky part – that time thing. Like many, I’ve been in a series of long relationships that have not withstood the tests of time. A long medical training that I started when I was twenty-eight ended ten years later. And there I was, at thirty-eight, for the first time seriously thinking of having a child on my own.

So many questions came to mind – how could I do it? How could I make it work in time and money and love? And most importantly, would it be, could it be fair to bring in child into the

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Posted in baby, decision, donor insemination, family, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor, thinking, trying to conceive, ttc | Leave a comment

Child of My Dreams

To the Child of My Dreams:

Since I was a very young child I’ve dreamed of holding you in my arms…. looking into your face and seeing some of myself in you…watching you grow and develop some of my characteristics (good ones, hopefully). It seems now that that will not be the case, and I am extremely sad about that.

I’ve tried so hard to create you, but my body will not cooperate. Each of the nine times that I’ve tried, I could sense your presence with me…your little soul ready to come into being. I’ll never understand why it could not happen for me. Each time I was devastated and cried because I felt I had really lost you…even if you were only in my dreams.

Now it seems that I will say goodbye, but only to part of my dream. I need to mourn the loss of a

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Posted in adoption, embryo adoption, emryo donation, infertility, motherhood, parenthood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, trying to conceive, ttc | Leave a comment

The Adoption Gestational Period

I’ve spent over a year participating in and listening to the SMC-Trying to Conceive (TTC) forum. I even had my own failed attempt at TTC  and then work, school, and dating postponed my plans until a year later.  I began to consider adoption, an option I had explored before but ignored once I found Mr. Perfect Anonymous Donor and built up the courage (and money) to TTC. But once I really delved into the adoption choice again, it seemed very feasible and appropriate for where I am in my life. Plus, I thought it might be “easier”than TTC.

On the SMC-TTC board, I had read other women’s journeys through infertility and fertility treatments and miscarriages to finally bringing home a newborn sometimes years later. Well, now that I’m pursuing adoption, I realize the adoption journey isn’t exactly “easier”, just different than TTC. There are many preparations and hurdles along the

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Posted in adoption, family, infertility, motherhood, parenthood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, trying to conceive, ttc | Leave a comment

Why I Want to be a Mother

Children Welcoming Tired Mother Returning From WorkI want to share my vision of the world with my child/children; that life is expansive, not restrictive. that life is joyful and involves down time and bad times, but is exhilarating more often than it is draining or exhausting. I have lived in several countries, and cultures, and I want to pass on the knowledge that the world is a large place, and that there is a place and purpose for everyone, even several of each for you in one lifetime. I want to open their hearts to really believing in and pursuing their dreams.

I want to integrate them into my very large, loving family–they have numerous cousins waiting for them!

I want to teach them my native language, and pass on our rich Indian heritage to them. I want them to meet their great-grandmother, one of the greatest ladies I know. I want them to feel the

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Posted in adoption, baby, bonding, donor insemination, family, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | Leave a comment