A New Beginning??

womanthinkingHere’s what I want. I want a baby.

I am 39 years old. I am single. I have never been in a long term relationship. I am facing the reality that it is just not going to happen for me in time to have a baby.

I have always wanted kids. When I was a kid I wanted to be a mom. I used to love to babysit. I don’t so much love babies, per se, as kids. I am great with children. I have 3 little brothers who I have essentially helped raise. They are now 16, 13 and 8. I am lucky to have them in my life. And now I want my own.

I am now facing the reality of having a baby on my own. By myself.

I am terrified. I have been thinking about this for years but it is starting to form itself into

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Contingency Planning for SMCs

iStock_sickwomanThis brief guide is adapted from a paper by Emily Engel on contingency plans for single mother by choice moms in the UK, which was inspired by the passing of an SMC friend who left a ten-year old daughter. Emily writes, “Mundane things can happen, a sprained ankle, a dose of flu or a stomach bug, or a crisis with another family member may put you in a situation where it’s hard to prioritize the stability and security your child needs. Forward planning may save you a lot of legwork in a crisis, and may defuse some of the underlying anxieties we often push to the back of our mind.”

The Basics:

Start building your family’s “village” before your child is born or comes home.
Make friends with other parents who live nearby and might be able to provide backup or emergency care.
Remember that other single moms might be

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Posted in single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | 2 Comments

A Letter to J’s Teacher

Girl eating lunch at kindergartenNext week J starts “big kid school” and this is the letter I will be giving her new teacher:

Hi Miss C —

I am excited for J to be in your class this year; she’s excited for “school” to start.

I would like to explain a little bit about our family. We are a mom-and-kid family – I am a single mother by choice. There is no father involved in J’s life, nor has there ever been; there was no divorce, separation or death. Of course, J has an extended family, a Nana and many “aunties” and “uncles” (but no father and no brothers or sisters).

J’s understanding of our family structure is evolving. One of her favorite books is “The Family Book,” which explains that families come in all sizes and configurations.  We also read an age-appropriate story about her unconventional conception.  I bring this to your attention

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Posted in adoption, daddy question, donor insemination, family, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | 1 Comment

No Dad? No Problem. Meet The Moms Who Opt In Forever And Aren’t Complaining.

By Paula Szuchman

IMG_3907Editor’s note – Last year, Szuchman reached out to the Single Mothers by Choice group requesting to speak with moms in the group for a story regarding the debate over “opting-out.” Following is her article from “Women in the World” on The Daily Beast.

At 35, Talia Braude left her job at a high-end architecture firm in Manhattan to be her own boss.

At 38, she bought a vial of sperm, via the California Cryobank, from a guy with blue eyes who is an avowed atheist.

At 39, she became a single mom.

Talia and her baby boy, now 10 weeks old, live in a fourth-floor walkup with a cat named Jini, in a Brooklyn brownstone she renovated with her business partner. As her own boss, she doesn’t exactly get paid maternity leave, so she went back to work pretty quickly, her sister helping out with the

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Do I Have What It Takes To Go It Alone?

Mature woman dreaming

I sometimes sense that when the thinkers/planners/tryers in Single Mothers by Choice say they admire those of us who are already moms, there’s perhaps a sense of wonder about how we do it all and whether the aspiring mom is up to the task herself.  I know when I was in the thinking phase, I often wondered the same about myself.

I wondered if those SMC moms possessed certain abilities I might lack, since it can be intimidating to see triathlon athletes and all the other high-powered and fabulous women who often frequent SMC’s online forums.  Most specifically, on a personal level, I don’t consider myself a very high-energy person.  Pre-baby, I loved to sleep in on the weekends and then curl up on the couch indulging in tons of TV watching and book reading.  My idea of a good time is dining out and then vegging out.  I’m not

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Posted in motherhood, parenthood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | 5 Comments

Getting Started: Questions to Ask Yourself

Thinking woman looking up on many question signs above head isolatedYou’ve had that incredible moment — the zing of excitement that comes when you realize the child (or children!) you’ve wanted can still be yours, even if you are single. But how do you know that single motherhood is right for you? And what path to motherhood should you take? There are a lot of things to consider before you decide to begin your journey. Here are some to get you started:

What are my options for becoming a mom? How much does each option cost? What options are financially feasible for me?
If you have good health insurance, doing donor insemination via IUI or IVF could be very inexpensive; if not, it can get pretty expensive. Adoption can be very pricey depending on the route you take. If you are open to DCFS adoption, it’s much less expensive, but private adoption generally runs $30K – $40K; international adoption can

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Posted in adoption, adoption agency, decision, donor insemination, emryo donation, IVF, motherhood, parenthood, single, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, thinking, trying to conceive, ttc | Leave a comment

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

The SMC Blog Will Return Next Week

Have a Great Holiday Weekend!

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The Politics of SMCs

When I first joined the national SMC organization and my local group, I assumed the other women I would meet – virtually and in person – would be fairly similar to me.  I thought that making such an “unconventional” life choice would be a decision only left-leaning, primarily urban/coastal women would make.  I could not have been more wrong.

What I’ve found instead is an amazingly diverse community of women.  Our political affiliations are all across the spectrum.  We are gay and straight, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, and atheist.  We are urban and rural, in the U.S. and Canada and Europe and Southeast Asia, and everywhere in-between.  We are black, white, Asian, Hispanic, and of every possible ethnic mix.  We are creative types and scientists who work from home and travel the world and are unemployed.  We are biological and adoptive moms and waiting-to-be-moms and still-thinking-about-becoming-moms.  About the only way

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Posted in adoption, donor insemination, insemination, single, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm, sperm donor, trying to conceive | 2 Comments

Deciding Whether Or Not To Become an SMC

questions or decision making conceptChoosing whether or not to become an SMC is a very personal decision. And no one can make this decision for you. Only you can figure out which path is right for you and which will make you happiest and most fulfilled.

That said, of course there are hundreds of ways of living child-free, just as there are hundreds of ways of living with children. Each person has to decide what parts of her/his life she/he wants to explore or expand. Everyone’s going to find fulfillment in a different way. Some will travel. Some will study and learn. Some will explore their own creativity.

For everyone who had a difficult road to parenthood, there’s another who became pregnant on the first try. For everyone who felt that the first few months were impossibly difficult and exhausting, there’s another who felt that everything was smooth sailing. For everyone whose child was

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I Miss My Daddy; I Am My Daddy

My father was not a perfect man, but he was a wonderful Daddy.

He died 12:05am, January 2, 1998.

Like so many things in my life, this whole SMC journey would be very different if he were still with me.  I know for a fact that he would struggle with it — that he would be afraid that I was saying the role he played in my life was not important because of my saying that I could raise a child without a father.  (We actually had a piece of that discussion before he died.  I wish we had finished it.)

On the flip side, I believe he would be proud of me and support me and tell me I will be a good mother.  And I know he’d be a wonderful father figure to have in my child’s life.

See, my parents had reverse roles in a lot of

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Posted in daddy question, donor insemination, father, Father's Day, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | Leave a comment