- "I find myself two months after joining SMC with tears in my eyes. The tears are hopeful tears as I read the responses to my laundry list of questions from other SMC’s on the Forum. They are tears of absolute joy and hopefulness that so many other women have pursued this journey. They have these wonderfully rich stories of their journeys and of their children, each unique, none without a few bumps in the road, but that’s parenthood."
- "Being a member of SMC has given me a community of women who "get it". They understand the day to day, and always have great advice and wisdom to offer. In addition, I have made some of my closest friends through this organization!!"
The day after my donor conceived son was born, Abby, my birth partner, or who I called my birth maid, told me, she had had a conversation about marriage with my dad in the car on the way back to the houseboat from the hospital. She had asked him why parents are so obsessed with their children getting married. My dad had said that he suspected that it was really about passing along genes and ensuring that the family continued. Did he care whether I got married now that I had given him a grandchild? she asked.
“Absolutely not,” he said.
My mom stayed with us for the first month after I brought Alexander home, which was a complete blur. The main thing I remember is we got adopted by a seagull that would show up on my dock and literally knock on the door with his beak around the
An SMC is a single mother by choice. As I ventured deeper into this world and joined the SMC organization, I discovered there were many thousands of women like me here in the US and around the world. We share similar stories, similar hopes and dreams, and yet can also be very different in our backgrounds and values. I interact with SMCs every day, and in hearing their stories, realized how unremarkable my own journey is.
Single moms certainly are not unusual, but the basic difference is that most SMCs identify themselves quite strongly as women who have made a decision not to wait for marriage, and who have carefully considered the social, emotional, financial, and legal issues before proceeding to become mothers on their own.
Occasionally I toss out the term SMC in conversation, perhaps because I hope it becomes less of an unusual idea. Sometimes I’m surprised
Unless you are nearing or over 40, single and childless, you cannot imagine how I feel and that’s not your fault – we are just living different experiences. I have not been able to express to my friends how it FEELS to be in my situation, but I am now connected with other women who TRULY understand what it’s like to want a child so much that they will do it on her own – even when deep down they really want the whole family package. Seriously, if we were given more time biologically, we would wait for the right relationship, but we don’t have that luxury.
It means so much to me to have access to people who are going through what I am going through and to share their experiences too. The more I read on the SMC Forum, the more convinced I am that I am making
I am 39 years old. I am single. I have never been in a long term relationship. I am facing the reality that it is just not going to happen for me in time to have a baby.
I have always wanted kids. When I was a kid I wanted to be a mom. I used to love to babysit. I don’t so much love babies, per se, as kids. I am great with children. I have 3 little brothers who I have essentially helped raise. They are now 16, 13 and 8. I am lucky to have them in my life. And now I want my own.
I am now facing the reality of having a baby on my own. By myself.
I am terrified. I have been thinking about this for years but it is starting to form itself into
This brief guide is adapted from a paper by Emily Engel on contingency plans for single mother by choice moms in the UK, which was inspired by the passing of an SMC friend who left a ten-year old daughter. Emily writes, “Mundane things can happen, a sprained ankle, a dose of flu or a stomach bug, or a crisis with another family member may put you in a situation where it’s hard to prioritize the stability and security your child needs. Forward planning may save you a lot of legwork in a crisis, and may defuse some of the underlying anxieties we often push to the back of our mind.”
Start building your family’s “village” before your child is born or comes home.
Make friends with other parents who live nearby and might be able to provide backup or emergency care.
Remember that other single moms might be
Hi Miss C —
I am excited for J to be in your class this year; she’s excited for “school” to start.
I would like to explain a little bit about our family. We are a mom-and-kid family – I am a single mother by choice. There is no father involved in J’s life, nor has there ever been; there was no divorce, separation or death. Of course, J has an extended family, a Nana and many “aunties” and “uncles” (but no father and no brothers or sisters).
J’s understanding of our family structure is evolving. One of her favorite books is “The Family Book,” which explains that families come in all sizes and configurations. We also read an age-appropriate story about her unconventional conception. I bring this to your attention
Editor’s note – Last year, Szuchman reached out to the Single Mothers by Choice group requesting to speak with moms in the group for a story regarding the debate over “opting-out.” Following is her article from “Women in the World” on The Daily Beast.
At 35, Talia Braude left her job at a high-end architecture firm in Manhattan to be her own boss.
At 38, she bought a vial of sperm, via the California Cryobank, from a guy with blue eyes who is an avowed atheist.
At 39, she became a single mom.
Talia and her baby boy, now 10 weeks old, live in a fourth-floor walkup with a cat named Jini, in a Brooklyn brownstone she renovated with her business partner. As her own boss, she doesn’t exactly get paid maternity leave, so she went back to work pretty quickly, her sister helping out with the
I sometimes sense that when the thinkers/planners/tryers in Single Mothers by Choice say they admire those of us who are already moms, there’s perhaps a sense of wonder about how we do it all and whether the aspiring mom is up to the task herself. I know when I was in the thinking phase, I often wondered the same about myself.
I wondered if those SMC moms possessed certain abilities I might lack, since it can be intimidating to see triathlon athletes and all the other high-powered and fabulous women who often frequent SMC’s online forums. Most specifically, on a personal level, I don’t consider myself a very high-energy person. Pre-baby, I loved to sleep in on the weekends and then curl up on the couch indulging in tons of TV watching and book reading. My idea of a good time is dining out and then vegging out. I’m not