Surprisingly Thinking My Family Is Complete

While I’ve talked about having three children for as long as I can remember, and taken action to prepare for my 3rd attempt at trying to conceive, I’ve surprisingly found myself thinking that maybe I’m really done. That thinking doesn’t actually sit well with me because it’s such a radical shift, and that makes me question it, but I keep coming back to the same place.

Maybe it would be nice to stick with two, two who are close enough in age that they will be able to go to the same school until my daughter starts middle school, allowing me, when she starts K and he starts pre-K, to live the life I’ve always dreamed of; working part-time, being the one that gets to pick my children up and take them to their activities, having their friends over after school and really getting to know them, being the primary

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Dreams

Sometimes I reflect on my life over the years.

15 years, probably more, that I have fought for what I want, for what I believe. I guess in a way motherhood and dating go hand in hand, since my whole life I believed that one was the means to another.

My mother tells me that I have always believed that what I wanted, what I desired was out there. She admired my persistence and fight that it could be real for me, that I stood for what I believed steadfast, despite years of unsuccessful relationships.

Mom always taught me the lesson in life, the lessons of relationships – that you learn from them, that you take the lesson and grow, so the next relationship would be even richer.

Have I had hard times over the past few years? Yes.
Realizing Mr. Right was not here in time. Yuck.
Deciding, grieving

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Mother’s Day – My Son Is Grown

 For a good part of my adult life, I wanted to be a mother, but as I got older, I worried that it might not happen for me.  I hadn’t met the right man to marry, so how could I become a mom?  But then, one day, I realized that even though I hadn’t found my life partner, I could be a single mother by choice.  There was even an organization that provided support and information to women like me: Single Mothers by Choice, for women who were mature, ready for motherhood, but single.  It WAS possible.  Many months later, I had made my dream a reality.  I was a mother.

Motherhood was the joyous center of my life for many years.  I had enjoyed my career and had a pretty satisfying life, both before becoming a mom and throughout my mothering years.  But there was something about being

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The Last Five Years

Changes Ahead sign against a blue sky with rainbow and copy space. Concept of situation changing for the better. Vertical orientation.

Recently, I randomly took a few minutes to figure out the number of days I was with my ex-husband. I then counted forward the same number of days from the day we split up . I am now at the point that I will have been apart from him for as long as I was with him. It’s not really a meaningful moment, but it does cause me to reflect on the past five years.

After we split up, I was a mess. I had been battling severe depression and anxiety during most of our relationship, and the breakup caused me to spiral very dangerously. The relationship, in its last 2 years or so, was extremely detrimental to my sense of self-worth and I ended up feeling like a failure for having a hard time finding a place for myself in the workforce. My spouse encouraged me to make as

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The Train is Leaving the Station

It’s 6 am on a Sunday, and I get up to do the obligatory pregnancy test thinking to myself, the sooner I get the bad news, the sooner I can bury myself in my bed for the day and wallow in the fact that my 7th time trying to get pregnant failed. Failed just like I failed to get my promotion, failed just like every dating relationship I have been in. Failed, failed, failed.

It didn’t work. I know it didn’t. I don’t feel any different; I have none of the symptoms that you read about on-line. Just Google “when did you have your first pregnancy symptoms” and all kinds of posts from annoying women come up saying things like, I knew 5 days after I ovulated. I had a twinge in my uterus, I had inexplicable burps, my breasts were incredibly sore” etc. etc. Here I was 14 days

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Contentedness and Complacency

Profound Thoughts on Starting IVF #2

I have this feeling that my life is going to change. I think the start of every IVF brings this feeling. I remember it last time.

Which brings me to profound thoughts about happiness and change. For those of you who have never met me, or never knew me before I was trying to conceive (TTC), I’m generally a happy person. And even as a child, I was a “resilient” child. I have faced obstacles like other humans, but I bounce back faster. I’ve always felt lucky to be blessed with such a personality trait, especially as I have watched friends sometimes be dragged down for years after major events like breakups.

However, TTC for so long has made me face unhappiness and adversity for longer (and deeper) than ever before in my life. I hesitate to call it “unhappiness,” because it’s more like

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Revolutionary Living

We can all name some truly Revolutionary People: Thomas Payne. Or some truly revolutionary acts: Rosa Parks taking a seat on a city bus. But there is some truly revolutionary living going on in the US today. And I don’t think all those who do it, do it intentionally.

My aunt who went to law school in the 1970s was one of about 20 women in her lawschool class. That she knew was mildly revolutionary. She was the first female president of the bar association of her state (when I was a freshman in college). That was a mildly revolutionary thing to do. She knew consciously that she was part of the continuing movement to women’s equality in career settings.

Today, there are African American, out of the closet LGBT persons and others who are still blazing trails in certain professions or career levels. However, I don’t think being both

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“Are You Going to Bite Me?”

These are the words my sweet boy asked me yesterday evening as I sat with him on the floor at his train table.  He was trying to maneuver around me, or rather over me, as he was racing his trains around the track.  He came upon my legs for the first pass and said…

“Are you going to bite me?”

I was a bit appalled and said “No, of course not!”

He clambered over my legs and continued on and when he got back to my offending legs on the next pass, he looked at me in all seriousness and said again…“Are you going to bite me?”

And then I remembered.

I had swatted his hand as we were leaving the zoo this morning.  And it stung.  I know it stung from the way he started crying, not out of anger, but real sadness.I had been trying to
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Freedom Friday: In Praise of the Single Mother

Last week I was almost on a radio show. I was asked to be the voice of the single mother who celebrates that role and finds the joy in it. I was asked to share things I have learned along the way that make it easier: “What I was hoping you could bring to the conversation were the things that you do (or are discovering), to recharge your showbox batteries, and allow you to find enjoyment, satisfaction and perseverance in this sometimes challenging job of Single Mom. Whether it be mantras you repeat to yourself, physical exercise, time with friends, or anything else be that adds enjoyment to your journey as a single mom, please share your perspective on how you are committed to enjoying your time as a single mom.”

Although, as is often the case in the big world, versus the humble world of the blog, things happen,

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