Category Archives: alone

Pregnancy Loneliness

Greetings from the other side of pregnancy! A recent post on the SMC online Forum got me reminiscing about my pregnancy. I found being single and pregnant with twins one of the most difficult and lonely periods of my life. I had planned and budgeted for a singleton and kept my fingers crossed that I wouldn’t have a multiple pregnancy, but lucky me, I got a two-for-one discount from the sperm bank. I’m actually quite happy about it now, but it was not good news for me at first.

At the time I was definitely excited, but the feelings of excitement were so overwhelmed by intense fear, sadness, and guilt. I was so scared about being a single mom to two infants that if I thought about it for too long I would get the shakes and my eyes would well up. I would just take a deep breath and … Continue reading

Posted in alone, baby, decision, donor insemination, hope, insemination, motherhood, parenthood, pregnancy, pregnant, single, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, twins | 3 Comments

We Wanted To Be Moms

When I turned thirty-five the last thing on my mind was becoming a mother. I had spent my late teens, twenties, and early thirties so wrapped up in myself, the thought of having the responsibility of a child was submerged somewhere between marriage and home ownership.  I was content being a perennial student, keeping a day job, and sabotaging potentially long-term relationships.  Then, some time in my thirty-fifth year, an unprecedented urge pierced my thoughts, rattling my body like an alarm clock, only this was purely biological.

My boyfriend at the time did not want children.  I wasn’t asking him to marry me, I remember thinking. In fact it did not matter if we even stayed together.  I just needed him to get me pregnant.  I could handle the rest on my own.  During the next few weeks, it became apparent to me that there were many reasons for me … Continue reading

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How I Handle Single Parenting

“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.” –Jackie Kennedy.

How Do I Handle Single Parenting? I just do. That’s the only way I can answer the question, “How do you do it, with two little children and a full time job?” I don’t have live-in help, I don’t have come-in help. With the exception of my elderly father there is no family help. HOWEVER, I have a community of great friends and neighbors who care about my children, make me laugh and lend a hand. That makes a big difference. On the really bad days, it makes a difference between sheer despair and the determination to go on.

There’s no denying that I brought these children into the world by my own free will, and it’s my responsibility to make their childhoods happy, healthy and safe. Everyday, whether I want Continue reading

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Single Mom By Choice — And By Chance

Since my son was a few months old, the SMC discussion Forum has been an important part of my daily life.  I so value the perspectives of moms like me who are doing this solo and are so wise and warm.  I haven’t yet taken the step of meeting SMCs in my area and I wonder if it is because I feel a teeny bit apprehensive.  I came to SMC-hood differently than many of you, but I hope to share with you here why I feel so fully a part of you now.

Back in 2008 I was a divorced 44 year-old woman, busy, happy, fulfilled.  Had my own business, loved the freedom; I used to say it was no coincidence that I didn’t have a boss or a husband, or that I drove a stick shift car — I liked to be in control!  I was in an on-again-off-again … Continue reading

Posted in alone, baby, family, mom, motherhood, parenthood, pregnancy, single, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | 7 Comments

Against All Odds

On June 23, 2006, I walked out of the hospital with a five pound baby, a couple of monitors, a bag of medicine, a handful of prescriptions, a list of doctor appointments and a portable O2 tank. The day we left Lenox Hill Hospital was bittersweet since many of the nurses and doctors had become like family to me.  Every single picture of the occasion is blurry since even the friend behind the camera was weeping.

On June 23, 2006, Eliza, my Mom, Dad and I strolled 500 yards to my apartment, an apartment from which I could see the NICU every day and night.

That walk on June 23, 2006 was the first time in her 100 days on this earth that Eliza had seen a blue sky, the sun, a tree, smelled a flower or even saw a good old NYC pigeon. We were brave and took an extra lap … Continue reading

Posted in alone, baby, birth, bonding, child, donor insemination, family, fertility, infancy, insemination, mom, motherhood, parenthood, pregnancy, prematurity, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, SMC | 2 Comments

One of the Biggest Cliches of Them All

Let’s confront one of the biggest and baddest cliches about single mothers out there – that we all women with all-consuming, high paying, fulfilling careers that just never made time to focus on relationships.

WRONG.

We’re not all straight out of an ’80s movie, wearing boxy suits and one-inch pumps and trying to get ahead at the expense of the evil male coworker who wants to put us in our place. We are regular, ordinary girls who just didn’t find “the one” in time.

As for me – yes, I did become a lawyer in my mid-20s and yes, I had the high paying job at a big law firm. But even then, I knew I wanted the whole package of marriage and children. I was ALWAYS ambivalent about being a lawyer – although I really and truly enjoyed law school, I never wanted to practice law and frankly, once … Continue reading

Posted in alone, baby, career, child, donor insemination, family, mom, motherhood, parenthood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo parenting | 7 Comments

Care Costs

I think that the “cost of care” is not fully comprehended when ttcing.  Every “single” mother knows that in order to provide for her family, she needs to work.  So, she will need to pay for someone else to care for her child while she works.  When I was ttcing, I know I spent many hours comparing the cost of a center vs. home care vs. nannies vs. au pairs.  (I actually had a spreadsheet.)  I considered the commuting miles involved, the extra fees, whether lunch was included, and so on.  I did my homework and I figured out – at least in my mind – which way I intended to go (i.e. what made the most sense for my lifestyle).  Of course, things changed a bit for me (and many other SMCs) when I realized that I was expecting twins….that extra blessing on the ultrasound…changed my calculations significantly.

But … Continue reading

Posted in alone, baby, budget, career, child, childcare, children, donor insemination, family, family size, money, motherhood, parenthood, parenting, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, trying to conceive, ttc | 10 Comments

We Wanted To Be Moms

When I turned thirty-five the last thing on my mind was becoming a mother. I had spent my late teens, twenties, and early thirties so wrapped up in myself, the thought of having the responsibility of a child was submerged somewhere between marriage and home ownership.  I was content being a perennial student, keeping a day job, and sabotaging potentially long-term relationships.  Then, some time in my thirty-fifth year, an unprecedented urge pierced my thoughts, rattling my body like an alarm clock, only this was purely biological.

My boyfriend at the time did not want children.  I wasn’t asking him to marry me, I remember thinking. In fact it did not matter if we even stayed together.  I just needed him to get me pregnant.  I could handle the rest on my own.  During the next few weeks, it became apparent to me that there were many reasons for me … Continue reading

Posted in alone, baby, birth, child, children, daddy question, donor, donor insemination, family, fertility, hope, infertility, insemination, motherhood, parent, parenthood, pregnancy, pregnant, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, trying to conceive, ttc | 6 Comments

Coping with the Growing Up

Pre-kids, I predicted that I would enjoy parenting an infant a lot, and would really love the years from two to five. I expected I might lose interest after that, based on my experience with other kids. I found it easy to talk to toddlers and preschoolers, but found the fads of grade school tough to follow, and always felt like I reverted back to that shy, awkward kid I’d once been, when I tried to engage friends’ school-aged kids.

I wasn’t as much of a “baby person” as I’d expected to be. Maybe that was having two infants at once, but I was exhausted for the whole first year of my daughters’ lives and while I do still sometimes long to do it again (with a singleton!), a large part of me experiences a mild version of PTSD when I see really little babies. It’s fading, but it’s there … Continue reading

Posted in alone, baby, child, children, family, insemination, mom, motherhood, parent, parenthood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | Leave a comment

Pregnancy Loneliness

Greetings from the other side of pregnancy! A post on the SMC Forum today got me reminiscing about my pregnancy. I found being single and pregnant with twins one of the most difficult and lonely periods of my life. I had planned and budgeted for a singleton and kept my fingers crossed that I wouldn’t have a multiple pregnancy, but lucky me, I got a two-for-one discount from the sperm bank. I’m actually quite happy about it now, but it was not good news for me at first.

At the time I was definitely excited, but the feelings of excitement were so overwhelmed by intense fear, sadness, and guilt. I was so scared about being a single mom to two infants that if I thought about it for too long I would get the shakes and my eyes would well up. I would just take a deep breath and think … Continue reading

Posted in alone, baby, decision, donor insemination, hope, insemination, motherhood, parenthood, pregnancy, pregnant, single, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC | 9 Comments