Category Archives: donor insemination

Chanukah and Our Little Miracles

Last year I lit the candles before dinner, and she would sit at the table, look over to the menorah, and sign out “ohhhhh”. She thought it was pretty. This year, at 2.5, she selects the candles each night. And while I have tried to get her to help me light the candles, she gets a little frightened when the time comes, maybe because I am trying to tell her to hold the shamos candle at the bottom, not the top. But she is fascinated watching the flames, and watching the candles melt. The first night we waited till all the candles were out to go up to bed, but last night she needed a bath. And one of the first things she said after we came downstairs this morning was “the candles melted, they’re all gone”. This is the first year I’ve done presents each night, and she is

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Posted in Chanukah, donor insemination, insemination, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | 1 Comment

Unsure, Unsettled, Undecided

From Unsure, Unsettled, Undecided:
The pendulum of my SMC decision-making has most recently swung toward NO WAY!! How could anyone ever do this? How could I ever do this? NO, NO, NO!!! I had been more positive about choosing to be an SMC, but I haven’t been able to shake this place I am now in. I could use some feedback about the different stages you have gone through as well as some of your thoughts and feelings about how one can do something seemingly so emotionally, physically, and financially difficult as having and raising a child alone. At the moment, only the model of two parents together works for me, no matter how I turn it around. I would like to get back to a more open place about it.

Dear Unsure:
First of all, you don’t have to do this and that’s okay. Second of all, why

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Posted in baby, decision, donor insemination, mom, motherhood, parenting, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, thinking | Leave a comment

It’s Just A Date

40th CakeHow pursuing my dream of having a child made dating more fun.

I had often assumed that some women, unlike me, were able to date lightheartedly. Unconcerned with a hoped-for long-term outcome, these women could treat a date as just a date. They found a way to relax and have a good time. These women, I further suspected, were free to be themselves with their dates and so were the ones finding the right partner.

As these musings might indicate, my single dating life was often riddled with worry. When dating a man, I was rarely fully present. My mind ran the back story. I’d size him up, then rocket mentally into an imagined future. Is he the right fit for me, and I for him? Is he commitment-phobic? Am I? Are we wasting our time?

Of course, sometimes, there was true hope and love. But the stifling “what-ifs” commanded

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Posted in dating, donor insemination, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor, trying to conceive, ttc | 4 Comments

An SMC via IVF

iStock_pregAAXSmallI waited for a long time to find Mr. Right and start a family but that never happened. Finally, I was at an age where I needed to make a choice.  I investigated adoption and hit many barriers.  So, I decided to see a fertility specialist.  I decided against insemination because of my advanced maternal age (I was 45 at the time), but decided to go the IVF route.  I initially wanted to use my own eggs, and according to my test results, I could have tried.  However, after much research of my own, the percentages I was finding for successful term pregnancies using my own eggs vs. a donor egg were about 5% vs. 50%.

I thought and prayed about it and finally decided that if I was willing to adopt a child, a genetic connection wasn’t all that important to me.  However, knowing that the fetus was well

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Posted in donor egg, donor insemination, embryo adoption, infertility, insemination, IVF, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor, trying to conceive, ttc | 1 Comment

Martyrdom?

I was recently approached about submitting an essay on single motherhood to a magazine. I sent the editor a précis of my motherhood to date: began trying to conceive when I was 36, unexpectedly conceived identical twins, babies contracted twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome in utero. Had experimental surgery. Babies survived. Had tons of help from friends, sister, and Mom. Moved half a country away when my daughters were four. They’re now eleven .

The editor asked some follow-up questions. Could I talk more about my support network? In what ways is it harder to build one versus having a built-in one, i.e., a partner? What do I do when I want to brag to someone about something “awesome” my kids have done? And whom do I talk to when I want to tear my hair out?

I thought about this for a while before I responded. The editor seemed genuinely perplexed.

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Posted in children, donor, donor insemination, family, insemination, parenthood, parenting, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor, women's movement | 1 Comment

My Only Regret is That I Waited So Long

I’ve always wanted to have children, always wanted to mother. I’ve been an au pair to other families, spent time with all of the kids of friends and family. I hoped and assumed, of course, that I would have a family of my own when the time came.

I suppose that’s the tricky part – that time thing. Like many, I’ve been in a series of long relationships that have not withstood the tests of time. A long medical training that I started when I was twenty-eight ended ten years later. And there I was, at thirty-eight, for the first time seriously thinking of having a child on my own.

So many questions came to mind – how could I do it? How could I make it work in time and money and love? And most importantly, would it be, could it be fair to bring in child into the

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Posted in baby, decision, donor insemination, family, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor, thinking, trying to conceive, ttc | Leave a comment

Why I Want to be a Mother

Children Welcoming Tired Mother Returning From WorkI want to share my vision of the world with my child/children; that life is expansive, not restrictive. that life is joyful and involves down time and bad times, but is exhilarating more often than it is draining or exhausting. I have lived in several countries, and cultures, and I want to pass on the knowledge that the world is a large place, and that there is a place and purpose for everyone, even several of each for you in one lifetime. I want to open their hearts to really believing in and pursuing their dreams.

I want to integrate them into my very large, loving family–they have numerous cousins waiting for them!

I want to teach them my native language, and pass on our rich Indian heritage to them. I want them to meet their great-grandmother, one of the greatest ladies I know. I want them to feel the

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Posted in adoption, baby, bonding, donor insemination, family, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | Leave a comment

Open Source Family

DYI MomThe day after my donor conceived son was born, Abby, my birth partner, or who I called my birth maid, told me, she had had a conversation about marriage with my dad in the car on the way back to the houseboat from the hospital. She had asked him why parents are so obsessed with their children getting married. My dad had said that he suspected that it was really about passing along genes and ensuring that the family continued. Did he care whether I got married now that I had given him a grandchild? she asked.

“Absolutely not,” he said.

My mom stayed with us for the first month after I brought Alexander home, which was a complete blur. The main thing I remember is we got adopted by a seagull that would show up on my dock and literally knock on the door with his beak around the

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Posted in donor insemination, donor siblings, DSR, motherhood, parenthood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor | Leave a comment

What is an SMC?

momchildAn SMC is a single mother by choice. As I ventured deeper into this world and joined the SMC organization, I discovered there were many thousands of women like me here in the US and around the world. We share similar stories, similar hopes and dreams, and yet can   also be very different in our backgrounds and values. I interact with SMCs every day, and in hearing their stories, realized how unremarkable my own journey is.

Single moms certainly are not unusual, but the basic difference is that most SMCs identify themselves quite strongly as women who have made a decision not to wait for marriage, and who have carefully considered the social, emotional, financial, and legal issues before proceeding to become mothers on their own.   

Occasionally I toss out the term SMC in conversation, perhaps because I hope it becomes less of an unusual idea. Sometimes I’m surprised

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Posted in donor insemination, motherhood, single, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | Leave a comment

I’m Not Alone!! Oh Great Goddess, I am NOT ALONE!

Unless you are nearing or over 40, single and childless, you cannot imagine how I feel and that’s not your fault – we are just living different experiences. I have not been able to express to my friends how it FEELS to be in my situation, but I am now connected with other women who TRULY understand what it’s like to want a child so much that they will do it on her own – even when deep down they really want the whole family package. Seriously, if we were given more time biologically, we would wait for the right relationship, but we don’t have that luxury.

It means so much to me to have access to people who are going through what I am going through and to share their experiences too. The more I read on the SMC Forum, the more convinced I am that I am making

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Posted in donor insemination, single, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, thinking | 3 Comments