Category Archives: single mother by choice

The Adoption “Gestational Period”?

I’ve spent over a year participating in and listening to the Trying to Conceive (TTC) posts on the SMC Forum. I even had my own failed attempt at TTC  and then work, school, and dating postponed my plans until a year later.  I began to consider adoption, an option I had explored before but ignored once I found Mr. Perfect Anonymous Donor and built up the courage (and money) to TTC. But once I really delved into the adoption choice again, it seemed very feasible and appropriate for where I am in my life. Plus, I thought it might be “easier”than TTC.

On the TTC forum, I had read other women’s journeys through infertility and fertility treatments and miscarriages to finally bringing home a newborn sometimes years later. Well, now that I’m pursuing adoption, I realize the adoption journey isn’t exactly “easier”, just different than TTC. There are many preparations

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Posted in adoption, family, infertility, parenthood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, ttc | Leave a comment

The Magic of Mom’s Bed

sweet dreams I don’t know what it is about mommy’s bed. But apparently, when a child can’t fall asleep, the only place to go is mom’s bed—and like magic, the sandman comes and knocks said child out. What I found out recently is that it doesn’t even have to be your mom. Marshall was having a friend sleep over the other night. Both boys were snoring happily by about 10 p.m. and I blithely went to bed. About 1 a.m., I sensed a presence by bed. It’s Max saying he can’t fall asleep so I groggily tell him to climb in. He’s asleep in seconds. When I awake in the morning, there’s a boy in bed next to me. No big surprise. But it takes me a minute to realize it’s not mine.

I never intended to co-sleep. But Marshall had other plans. From the minute he was born, he liked to

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No One

IMG_5173As I sit here tonight going through pictures of Tate, ‘checking’ Facebook, deleting some emails, I am overwhelmed by the quiet of my home. Tate has been in bed since 7, and Vincent is still not pleased with me over his visit to the vet yesterday.  I looked around and just became insidiously aware of my aloneness. Every. Single. Night.  Once Tate is asleep I do have a myriad of things to accomplish before I can rest and just be. I have to clean up the dirty dinner dishes, clean out his lunch bag and backpack and put all those items into the dishwasher or clean them.  There’s always laundry to be done, picking up after Tate (and the cat), dishwasher to be emptied, bills to pay and showers to take.   But it’s all done alone.  

Just me. 

No one to share the details of my day with.  No one

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Posted in single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | 2 Comments

First Year as an SMC: My Expectations and Realities

mommy n babyI can’t believe Claudette is 10 months and I’m planning her first birthday. Been working on her baby book and I’m already struggling to remember some stuff about the first few months! Seems so long ago in some ways…but also just like yesterday. As my first year of motherhood comes to a close, I’ve been thinking about what it’s been like – what turned out like I expected and what was different. Wondering how it’s been for other moms who are now coming to the end of their first year.

1. I did not expect to have sleep deprivation for this long – that she still would not be sleeping through the night at 10 mos. No one ever says this. All I ever heard was how most babies sleep through the night at 3-4 mos. Liars! LOL The sleep deprivation has been brutal.

2. Did not expect the physical

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Posted in infancy, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | Leave a comment

Do I or Don’t I???

I have just recently made my decision not to become an SMC. I should also preface this by saying that I came to this quandary late. I am 46.

Letting go of the dream of having a traditional family, i.e. a husband and kids, is a very big deal for most women. That’s probably one of the first steps in deciding to become an SMC. And that’s a rough one. I always had this assumption that it would happen, so it was hard to face the fact that it might not just “happen.” What if it doesn’t? How could it not? How long do I wait?

All kinds of people meet their mates and start families. My confidence about myself as an attractive, smart and lovable woman is a bit tangled up in that dream. I never wanted to visit the possibility that it might not happen. It’s negative. It

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Posted in donor insemination, family, motherhood, plan b, single, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor | Leave a comment

This One Next Step

iStock_singlestepI’m 35 (and a half) and single. I am established in my career, financially and emotionally stable, have a great support system of family and friends, and I am mostly content and fulfilled with my life. I was diagnosed with PCOS several years ago, and every year, at my annual appointment, I asked my doctor, “When do I need to be thinking about my options?” And every year he would answer “when you’re 35 we’ll talk about your options.” Well…here I am…35…and still single!

Three days before my 35th birthday I had my first appointment at a fertility clinic to get information about freezing my eggs. I wasn’t certain about freezing my eggs at the time, but thought to myself, “I’m committed enough to take this ONE next step” just to get more information. On a whim, when I was at the consultation I asked what other options there were.

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Posted in motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, trying to conceive, ttc | 6 Comments

My Village

Happy woman at officeJust a few short weeks ago, my aunt died. This was a woman who was among the first to tell me she supported me fully when I told her I wanted to become a Single Mother by Choice (SMC) … the woman who threw me a baby shower, the first person aside of my mom to come visit my newborn son, and the woman who told me she thought it was “awesome” how I was choosing to live my life. To say her loss has been huge to me would be an understatement.

She was clearly beloved in her community, as evidenced by the hundreds of people who came to pay their respects at her wake and funeral. But I had always known that and admired it about her. And this woman, who I so wanted to emulate for many reasons, had me wonder as she lay dying of cancer,

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Posted in donor insemination, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | Leave a comment

Our Last Weeks Alone

During the last few weeks the world around us has changed suddenly. Hot sticky days with harsh bright sunlight have been replaced by cool, crisp dry days that smell of fresh mown grass and distant fires. Many of the 6-foot-high corn fields have been mowed down, and the guy selling 12 ears for $4 out of the back of his truck has sold out for the season. The soybean fields are starting to turn golden, and maples and ash here and there are flaming red and yellow. It isn’t fall yet, but fall is definitely in the air. We leave the windows open at night, and some nights the brisk prairie winds from the west cool the house so much that I have to get up and close the windows. We leave for town every morning just as the sun is coming up, and as we turn east to head

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Posted in dad, family size, grandma, motherhood, parenthood, parenting, pregnant, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC | Leave a comment

Good Lord!

Good lord”, said my therapist when I told her I was trying to have another baby with my husband. “You haven’t even recovered from your other 2 baby losses. And all you do with your husband is fight. You don’t even seem to like him.”

“Good lord”, said my therapist when I told her about all the infertility things I was now going through again, for a third time. The mood changing Clomid, every diet known to increase fertility, 2x a week acupuncture, awful tasting tea made by a Chinese only Chinese pharmacy in Chinatown, and lots of lots of awful, awful timed sex, timed with the very best in $299 ovulation predictor kits. “Are you sure you want to put yourself through this now? I think you should SLOW DOWN you’re not even 35 yet. And you and your husband are not getting along.

”“Good lord”, said my therapist

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Posted in baby, donor insemination, infertility, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor, trying to conceive | Leave a comment

SMC Ambassador

An experience I had this evening left me thinking about how far I’ve come from the scared (okay, terrified) almost-40-year-old woman who started tentatively on the road to single motherhood 4 years ago and I wanted to share it, since many of you may have had similar experiences.

When I decided to move forward with this crazy plan, the thing that scared me most was what on earth I would tell people about my “status” as a single, pregnant woman. I see similar posts on the SMC organization’s “Thinking” section of the online Forum and my heart always goes out to those women. I want to reach out to them and reassure them that in the larger scheme of things it really won’t matter after a few days or weeks or months. At least, it didn’t for me. I embraced my pregnancy with such joy that by the time I

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Posted in donor insemination, parenthood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother | Leave a comment