Category Archives: single mother by choice

Crabby

momchildI noticed this morning, rushing to meet friends and go to a new play space, that I was feeling crabby. I was rushing my two-year-old, Sage, along, and being abrupt with my SMC friend’s five year old (who I had offered to watch for the morning.)

And I was watching myself, as if from a distance, thinking, “What do I have to be snappy about?”

I had almost no plans this weekend, and I got up Saturday morning and put away the laundry and went grocery shopping. And Saturday afternoon I did a big cooking project, so I wouldn’t have to cook for a few days.

So what do I have to feel stressed out about?

My parents were awfully short tempered, and it wasn’t a nice way to grow up.

And I notice that I am quick to correct Sage, quick to instill consequences. I don’t know how much … Continue reading

Posted in donor insemination, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, toddler | 2 Comments

On Being a Single Mother by Choice

mombabyToday I went to a local SMC meeting—the first I’ve attended since my son’s birth 3 months ago. It was at a local playground on a beautiful day. And there were so many beautiful women with their beautiful children. There were actually quite a few of us with infants under a year of age. It’s always empowering and inspiring for me to attend these meetings. And as my son grows up, I hope it will be for him too — to see other families like his, and feel it is completely “normal.”

Interestingly, I was discussing with another SMC who has a 6 month old how life is so different “on this side.” No more dating, late nights at bars or dancing. No more wondering if “he”will ever call you back. Totally liberating and sweet. That other life I had— it was good for a while, but I knew I … Continue reading

Posted in donor insemination, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | 1 Comment

Pregnancy Loneliness

Greetings from the other side of pregnancy! A recent post on the SMC online Forum got me reminiscing about my pregnancy. I found being single and pregnant with twins one of the most difficult and lonely periods of my life. I had planned and budgeted for a singleton and kept my fingers crossed that I wouldn’t have a multiple pregnancy, but lucky me, I got a two-for-one discount from the sperm bank. I’m actually quite happy about it now, but it was not good news for me at first.

At the time I was definitely excited, but the feelings of excitement were so overwhelmed by intense fear, sadness, and guilt. I was so scared about being a single mom to two infants that if I thought about it for too long I would get the shakes and my eyes would well up. I would just take a deep breath and … Continue reading

Posted in alone, baby, decision, donor insemination, hope, insemination, motherhood, parenthood, pregnancy, pregnant, single, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, twins | 1 Comment

We Wanted To Be Moms

When I turned thirty-five the last thing on my mind was becoming a mother. I had spent my late teens, twenties, and early thirties so wrapped up in myself, the thought of having the responsibility of a child was submerged somewhere between marriage and home ownership.  I was content being a perennial student, keeping a day job, and sabotaging potentially long-term relationships.  Then, some time in my thirty-fifth year, an unprecedented urge pierced my thoughts, rattling my body like an alarm clock, only this was purely biological.

My boyfriend at the time did not want children.  I wasn’t asking him to marry me, I remember thinking. In fact it did not matter if we even stayed together.  I just needed him to get me pregnant.  I could handle the rest on my own.  During the next few weeks, it became apparent to me that there were many reasons for me … Continue reading

Posted in alone, baby, birth, child, children, daddy question, donor, donor insemination, family, fertility, hope, infertility, insemination, motherhood, parent, parenthood, pregnancy, pregnant, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, single women, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, trying to conceive, ttc | Leave a comment

To Be or Not to Be an SMC

There are many reasons TO become a SMC and many reasons NOT TO. It’s such an individual decision to make. It is difficult to be a single mom, very difficult, but I think it’s also difficult to be a married mom. This decision isn’t one to be taken lightly, and it helps to really look at your whole life while you decide whether being a SMC will fit into it. When I was thinking I worried endlessly about what might happen: “What will I say to people when I can’t hide my pregnancy anymore?” “How will I tell my family?” What if people judge me?” “What if I meet “the one” right after I get pregnant or after I have the baby?”.

What I found out (much to my surprise) was that all those worries disappeared pretty quickly once I became pregnant. I had one or two people show disapproval Continue reading

Posted in baby, decision, donor insemination, family, insemination, motherhood, Mr. Right, parenthood, plan b, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor, thinking, trying to conceive, ttc | Leave a comment

I Don’t Know How You Do It

Children Welcoming Tired Mother Returning From WorkA phrase that my fellow single moms and I are quite familiar with is, “I don’t know how you do it.”

Early in my parenting journey, I used to get extremely irritated by this phrase, and spent some time navel-gazing, trying to figure out why it bothered me so much.  I never really came up with a satisfactory explanation.  Was it because I was insecure in my abilities and that insecurity was exacerbated by having someone else point out how difficult single parenting is?  Was it because people who say they don’t know how I do “it” don’t really understand what “it” is, so the statement is meaningless — because it merely exposes a lack of critical thinking on their part?  Was it because I was uncomfortable being made out to be some kind of superwoman?  Was it because making a big deal of my situation seemed to devalue the … Continue reading

Posted in donor insemination, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor | 2 Comments

Why I Chose to Use Donor Sperm

iStock_spermXSmallI considered other methods of becoming a single mother by choice (SMC) before I decided to use donor sperm.  My first instinct was international adoption.  Unfortunately, the costs for that begin at $50k and it often costs much more.  It involves extensive time off work for travel and puts the parent (and child) at the mercy of foreign courts.  Additionally, several countries (Russia & China among them) are only willing to allow singles to adopt if the child is over 8 years old or “special needs”, i.e. has AIDS or autism or something else that makes them “less attractive” to “intact” families.

I have volunteered with both CASA and another program that works with children in foster care.  I have heard about the need for good homes for these children and seen it first hand.  I also know how absolutely smart. beautiful and loving these children can be.  So, I attended a foster-to-adopt meeting at the … Continue reading

Posted in adoption, donor insemination, insemination, IVF, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, single parent, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, sperm donor, trying to conceive, ttc | 1 Comment

On Selfishness

iStock_momchildWomen who are thinking of becoming an SMC sometimes are told, or worry, that they are being selfish. Here are my thoughts on selfishness.

I am trying to conceive (ttc) and this is how I explain it to my friends when they ask.

My life as a single person is selfish.  My money, time and energy go to things that please me and to do things I enjoy.  Just one year ago I hopped on a plane and went to Nicaragua to learn to surf.  Everything I do every single day is for me.  Every single day is selfish and self centered.

I am not a selfish or self centered person in my heart, and this life is uncomfortable.  I don’t like doing things to merely entertain myself, but since I have no one in my life (husband or kid) to focus on, and as I was approaching my 40s, … Continue reading

Posted in donor insemination, motherhood, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting, Uncategorized | 8 Comments

I Want Daddy

iStock_000003068445teddy“I WANT DADDY!” Cara woke up from a late nap crying and fussing and then started screaming whaling “I WANT DADDY!” She has never expressed any desire for a dad or concern about not having a dad but there’s been a couple of threads on the Forum recently about other four-year-olds wanting dads who never really had seemed to care before. Still, she’s really shown zero interest so I thought maybe I misunderstood. Do you mean Papa? My dad. You want Papa? “NO! DADDY DADDY!” Still thinking she must be saying something else. Dani? (A good friend and babysitter.) Do you want Dani? “Nooooo! Daddy!” Getting desperate, I start throwing other ideas out: Grammy? Blankie? She gets more ticked off. “NOOOOO! DADDDY! I WANT MY DADDY!”

I give up on translating and start the talk. Ya know the one. Cara, you know we don’t have a dad in our family. … Continue reading

Posted in daddy question, donor insemination, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | 2 Comments

Changes

When I decided to become a single mother, I had to deal with society’s notions of the perfect family, and the fact that I was choosing to have a child in a way that was not ‘ideal’ or ‘normal’ by today’s standards.  I had to grieve that I did not have the white picket fence and the husband rubbing my belly while it grew with our child inside, a child we got to make the fun way.  I got mad and sad that this ideal was not for me and that I had to do it differently because somehow I was not good enough for the norm.

I was in a documentary years ago which followed women like myself who chose to have kids on their own.  I have watched that movie so many times, and each time there is something else that stands out.  This time I realized that … Continue reading

Posted in dad, father, single mom, single mother by choice, single motherhood, single mothers, SMC, solo mother, solo parenting | 2 Comments