Comments for Single Mothers by Choice http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org Tue, 21 Feb 2012 02:13:40 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Comment on Money, Money, Money!! by Being Sick is no fun! « Yeah, I am on My Soapbox http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2012/02/19/money-money-money/#comment-1938 Being Sick is no fun! « Yeah, I am on My Soapbox Tue, 21 Feb 2012 02:13:40 +0000 http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/?p=2682#comment-1938 [...] It deals with Money issues. [...] [...] It deals with Money issues. [...]

]]> Comment on Money, Money, Money!! by Laura http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2012/02/19/money-money-money/#comment-1936 Laura Mon, 20 Feb 2012 19:28:01 +0000 http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/?p=2682#comment-1936 I feel you. Just today I got another announcement from a friend who is pregnant and it pretty much sent me into a tailspin. I've put down bit of money at a fertility clinic, have a donor etc but one round of IVF is very expensive. All of that would come out of savings, and my job would not afford me any extras with a child. I hate feeling bitter, sad, etc. but emails from SMC friends help remind me that there are other options. I feel you. Just today I got another announcement from a friend who is pregnant and it pretty much sent me into a tailspin. I’ve put down bit of money at a fertility clinic, have a donor etc but one round of IVF is very expensive. All of that would come out of savings, and my job would not afford me any extras with a child.
I hate feeling bitter, sad, etc. but emails from SMC friends help remind me that there are other options.

]]> Comment on Money, Money, Money!! by Anne-Marie http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2012/02/19/money-money-money/#comment-1931 Anne-Marie Mon, 20 Feb 2012 01:39:59 +0000 http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/?p=2682#comment-1931 Money is a big limit for me as well; my career isn't going "as planned" (does anything, ever?) and I'm faced with having to find a new job, when I wasn't exactly doing great in my old one. So what am I supposed to do? If I go with my dreams, there's no way I can afford the child care. If I go with what I used to do, I'm going to be miserable and probably won't be able to afford it, anyway. At any rate, I feel horrid that my future child isn't going to have the advantages in education that were given to me by my parents, unless I find a cheap private school.... So what do I do? Go headlong into disaster and believe in myself? Believing in myself has gotten me into trouble before. Money is a big limit for me as well; my career isn’t going “as planned” (does anything, ever?) and I’m faced with having to find a new job, when I wasn’t exactly doing great in my old one. So what am I supposed to do? If I go with my dreams, there’s no way I can afford the child care. If I go with what I used to do, I’m going to be miserable and probably won’t be able to afford it, anyway. At any rate, I feel horrid that my future child isn’t going to have the advantages in education that were given to me by my parents, unless I find a cheap private school…. So what do I do? Go headlong into disaster and believe in myself? Believing in myself has gotten me into trouble before.

]]> Comment on Money, Money, Money!! by Lori http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2012/02/19/money-money-money/#comment-1930 Lori Sun, 19 Feb 2012 17:23:36 +0000 http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/?p=2682#comment-1930 You might think about adopting through foster care. My son came into my life at 11 days old as a foster child. Two years later, I was able to adopt him. It "cost" a lot emotionally, but the state paid for his daycare while he was in foster care, he gets medicaid until he is 18, I still get a small subsidy for him each month (every little bit helps), and he will have his college paid for if he goes to a public state university, and I still received the adoption tax credit. He isn't perfect - he has ADHD, but other than that he is extremely intelligent, loving, beautiful, and a great kid. I'm sure there are lots of other children like him through the foster care system. True, that part is no fun, but it allows you to overcome the financial aspect, and become the mother you dream of being. You might think about adopting through foster care. My son came into my life at 11 days old as a foster child. Two years later, I was able to adopt him. It “cost” a lot emotionally, but the state paid for his daycare while he was in foster care, he gets medicaid until he is 18, I still get a small subsidy for him each month (every little bit helps), and he will have his college paid for if he goes to a public state university, and I still received the adoption tax credit. He isn’t perfect – he has ADHD, but other than that he is extremely intelligent, loving, beautiful, and a great kid. I’m sure there are lots of other children like him through the foster care system. True, that part is no fun, but it allows you to overcome the financial aspect, and become the mother you dream of being.

]]> Comment on Is Single Parenthood Fair? by smc http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2012/02/12/is-single-parenthood-fair/#comment-1919 smc Sat, 18 Feb 2012 01:36:28 +0000 http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/?p=2783#comment-1919 Michele, many of our members feel the way you do in the early "thinking" stage (as we call it). It often can be important to grieve the dream of having a traditional family in order to be able to move on. Michele, many of our members feel the way you do in the early “thinking” stage (as we call it). It often can be important to grieve the dream of having a traditional family in order to be able to move on.

]]> Comment on Is Single Parenthood Fair? by Michele http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2012/02/12/is-single-parenthood-fair/#comment-1918 Michele Sat, 18 Feb 2012 01:24:39 +0000 http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/?p=2783#comment-1918 I struggle with this myself as I am in the thinking stage. I know that there are many other situations that are not fair to children, but to consciously make this decision that I know may hurt my child someday is something I worry a bit about. I applaud all of you who have made the decision and aren't looking back, I'm just not at that point yet. I agree with Mona that I still am in the mourning stage of not having the whole package. I too made choices that I know were best for me but nonetheless I am having a hard time giving up the dream of a mom, dad, and baby makes 3! I struggle with this myself as I am in the thinking stage. I know that there are many other situations that are not fair to children, but to consciously make this decision that I know may hurt my child someday is something I worry a bit about. I applaud all of you who have made the decision and aren’t looking back, I’m just not at that point yet. I agree with Mona that I still am in the mourning stage of not having the whole package. I too made choices that I know were best for me but nonetheless I am having a hard time giving up the dream of a mom, dad, and baby makes 3!

]]> Comment on Is Single Parenthood Fair? by mona http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2012/02/12/is-single-parenthood-fair/#comment-1878 mona Wed, 15 Feb 2012 14:16:22 +0000 http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/?p=2783#comment-1878 I have recently decided to go ahead with my plans to become a single mom using donor sperm. I have been thinking a great deal lately about the need to be comfortable with my decision for my child's sake. That its important that I don't feel anything is missing so that neither will he/she. With so many family's ending in divorce, there are definate advantages to being a single parent family which does not have to split holidays or weekends. My child will never feel like a pawn in some game of revenge/or tug of war... at least I didn't marry the wrong guy and go that route. But it would be a lie if i didn't admit that I'm still a little sad that I didn't end up with the fairy tale ending. Looking back I had chances I didn't take to go the traditional route. Chances I didn't take because I wanted better. Was I selfish? Unrealistic? Or simply wise enough to recoginze a relationship that wouldn't last? How do I get from "oh well, I guess I'm old and no longer have a choice." to "my family is perfect and whole just as it is." ? For my sake and my child's. Sounds like you've already traveled that road. I have recently decided to go ahead with my plans to become a single mom using donor sperm. I have been thinking a great deal lately about the need to be comfortable with my decision for my child’s sake. That its important that I don’t feel anything is missing so that neither will he/she.
With so many family’s ending in divorce, there are definate advantages to being a single parent family which does not have to split holidays or weekends. My child will never feel like a pawn in some game of revenge/or tug of war… at least I didn’t marry the wrong guy and go that route.
But it would be a lie if i didn’t admit that I’m still a little sad that I didn’t end up with the fairy tale ending. Looking back I had chances I didn’t take to go the traditional route. Chances I didn’t take because I wanted better. Was I selfish? Unrealistic? Or simply wise enough to recoginze a relationship that wouldn’t last?
How do I get from “oh well, I guess I’m old and no longer have a choice.” to “my family is perfect and whole just as it is.” ? For my sake and my child’s.
Sounds like you’ve already traveled that road.

]]> Comment on Is Single Parenthood Fair? by Susan http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2012/02/12/is-single-parenthood-fair/#comment-1834 Susan Mon, 13 Feb 2012 03:48:42 +0000 http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/?p=2783#comment-1834 I remember telling my neighbor that I was expecting (as a single parent) and she said that she didn't support that. Her husband went to inpatient rehab and she went to outpatient rehab. So, much for her opinion! Now that my children are almost grown and I have the benefit of experience, I'd suggest that confident decision-making is important. That way you can convey your thoughts regarding single parenthood to your child, without conveying that he or she has been shortchanged. What's great about single parenthood is that children are raised in a stable family environment with a strong role-model. I remember telling my neighbor that I was expecting (as a single parent) and she said that she didn’t support that. Her husband went to inpatient rehab and she went to outpatient rehab. So, much for her opinion!

Now that my children are almost grown and I have the benefit of experience, I’d suggest that confident decision-making is important. That way you can convey your thoughts regarding single parenthood to your child, without conveying that he or she has been shortchanged. What’s great about single parenthood is that children are raised in a stable family environment with a strong role-model.

]]> Comment on Setting a date by Rebecca http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2011/03/13/setting-a-date/#comment-1655 Rebecca Sun, 05 Feb 2012 00:20:25 +0000 http://www2.singlemothersbychoice.com/?p=380#comment-1655 I am glad to see there are so many other women who have experienced or are about to experience single motherhood by choice. I will be 35 in three months and have been trying to make a decision for the past 6-8 months on when I should try my first insementation. I am glad to see there are so many other women who have experienced or are about to experience single motherhood by choice. I will be 35 in three months and have been trying to make a decision for the past 6-8 months on when I should try my first insementation.

]]> Comment on Judging Mothering by Emily http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2012/01/15/judging-mothering/#comment-1628 Emily Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:48:48 +0000 http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/?p=2552#comment-1628 Fear of feeling judged is such a common thing, and it stops us being honest & getting the support we need when the going is rough... I think the way you turn it around to being 'guilt' about our shortcomings (i.e. our mere humanity) is positive and helpful, although I'm not so sure about the term 'guilt'... It's so linked to blame, it comes straight back to being judged. Maybe we can just call it feeling sensitive - it is value-free and more open to change more than guilt. The bottom line is that we have to model for our children that people can be critical, or unintentionally hurtful, and we dont have to be floored by it. Fear of feeling judged is such a common thing, and it stops us being honest & getting the support we need when the going is rough…
I think the way you turn it around to being ‘guilt’ about our shortcomings (i.e. our mere humanity) is positive and helpful, although I’m not so sure about the term ‘guilt’… It’s so linked to blame, it comes straight back to being judged. Maybe we can just call it feeling sensitive – it is value-free and more open to change more than guilt.
The bottom line is that we have to model for our children that people can be critical, or unintentionally hurtful, and we dont have to be floored by it.

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