Lightbulb Moments On My Way to Motherhood.

Taking the Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) route has been an amazingly interesting journey so far (which is a little like saying we saw some snow this winter in the Northeast!). There were a couple of moments that stand out in my memory in particularly sharp focus. One such occasion was a conversation with my therapist before I had even started trying to conceive and was still trying to chase the elusive child-with-partner dream. We were discussing the guy I was involved with who was not stepping up to the plate (in fact he had left the field altogether but I wasn’t able to acknowledge that yet).  My therapist commented: “He may not be a sure, but but you are”,  and it fell into place that I was everything I was looking for in a partner – reliable, dependable, hard working, responsible, thoughtful, caring – and he was none of these things. That realization made me start to question what he would bring to the family I wanted so desperately, and none of it looked good. I woke up, though it took me a few more months to smell the coffee.

Then my reproductive endocrinologist had me see a counselor who would talk through the assisted reproductive process with me and offer support. It was a lovely appointment and she gave me a lot of useful information. However, early on in the meeting she asked me how I felt about IVF and I said very definitely that that was not for me. When she probed more deeply I burst into tears – much to my surprise. She asked me again if I thought IVF was an option for me and I said that it was for couples who were struggling to have children, not for someone like me. Once she got me to unpack my thoughts and feelings a little more it became clear that I didn’t feel I deserved to go to any lengths to have a child because I wasn’t that perfect thing: a couple. I left the appointment with yet more work to do with my therapist to become able to see myself as deserving of a child, and to value what I could bring into a child’s life as a mother.

In the end I did pursue IVF and have a beautiful son  who is the joy of my life and the delight of my heart.

There were two pieces of advice I received once I was pregnant that I found very helpful . One was to find my tribe to support me during and after the birth. To me this meant that I accept that there are many ways to bring up a child, none of them necessarily right or wrong. The important thing is to find people who have a similar worldview to mine. Our views won’t always be identical but we’ll have common ground to discuss, debate, think and share in a mutually beneficial way.

And finally, my acupuncturist said to me that I would only be able to raise a good man if I believed there were good men out there. I hadn’t thought I was feeling so negative about men that she would need to say that but obviously I was! Processing that statement helped me to put down some of the baggage I’d been carrying from failed relationships and other hurts and to look around the world at the lovely men I knew who could be a part of my son’s life, to help him become the best man he can be.

Wherever anyone is on their journey I hope you experience times of clarity and healing. It really is a rollercoaster ride so right after every dip there is a climb up, up, up to a place of beauty and truth.

Nancy (41 years old) & Stephen (7 months old)


6 thoughts on “Lightbulb Moments On My Way to Motherhood.”

  1. My daughter, conceived through anonymous donor insemination, is now 18. For the first six years of her life I devoted ALL of my energies to raising her. I chose friends who had kids her age, I gave up my career in favor of a job with regular hours, I never considered dating … and it was all good, until I had my ‘aha’ moment. I decided that I could still be a super mom but regain aspects of my life that I started to miss. Very tentatively, I started to date. I put the word out to friends that I wanted to meet someone and I posted an ad on Long story short, I met so many more quality guys at this stage of my life, than I ever did before. Nobody was deterred by me being a single mom. And yes – I ultimately got married! I guess what I’m trying to say is that the pieces of the puzzle can come together, though not necessarily in the order you expect it to, when you’re young!

    1. It is nice to hear that the pieces of the puzzle eventually fit together. I am in the thinking stage and truly feel that I will find a man after I become what I was meant to be a mom. Thank you for your inspiring post. It is always reassuring to hear that things work out at a time in my life when I am making such a big decision. Maria

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