How I Made the Decision

I joined the Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) online Forum a few months ago and I have been reading every post since then. The first and only time I posted (before now) I shared how I’ve been “thinking” for nearly two years. I was overwhelmed by the support and kind messages everyone wrote in response. But it’s been the posts by everyone else struggling with the same decision, the shared fears and excitement that have truly helped me make the right choice for me. I cannot say thank you enough for letting me, a stranger, into such an important part of your lives.

So this is how I made the decision: I had planned a weekend away with my mother and my goal was to have made a decision – one way or another – by the time we were flying home. We had fun, we enjoyed the vacation and we talked. It was the most wonderful experience of my adult life to share everything I thought and everything I felt with my mother without hesitation and without filtering anything. I’m 35yr old (financially stable, professionally successful, home owner) and although she had initially thought I should wait until I was closer to 40, after really sharing with each other, she is the one who helped me decide to start trying. She is now 100% supportive and excited. And has an opinion about everything!

Last weekend I sat down with the rest of my family (which is no easy feat), my father, my twin brother and my younger brother & sister (twins also) individually and discussed the topic. Everyone knew I had been thinking about this for years, but their initial surprise that I had made the decision quickly turned to joy and happiness about a new baby. It was an unexpectedly amazing and enriching experience to feel the love and support from my family. I chose to talk to everyone separately so no one felt pressured or uncomfortable sharing their own reactions. I’m so glad I did.

The one thing that truly shocked me: once I made the decision, I was no longer anxious or afraid. I didn’t realize how much pressure I’d been feeling just by not knowing what I was going to do. Now, I feel lighter, peaceful and genuinely happy.

Last week, with the help of my mother & sister, I chose the donor from my “final four”. I’ve been back to OB-GYN, had the routine tests, and if all goes as planned, in about two weeks I’ll be a “tryer”!

Thank you again to everyone for their posts on the SMC  forum, and for letting me feel a part of an ever-growing community of single mothers. I wish everyone the best of luck in their decision-making and hope you find the same joy and excitement I’ve found in making my decision.

7 thoughts on “How I Made the Decision”

  1. Great post. I could really identify with everything you said, this paragraph in particular:

    “The one thing that truly shocked me: once I made the decision, I was no longer anxious or afraid. I didn’t realize how much pressure I’d been feeling just by not knowing what I was going to do. Now, I feel lighter, peaceful and genuinely happy.”

    You are about a month ahead of me on the TTC journey, but my gosh! I had no idea how relieving it felt to decide that yes, this was what I was going to do. Especially once I talked it over with my mom this past weekend. I think it probably makes a WORLD of difference to have at least a couple supporters.

    Good luck!

  2. I made the decision a year ago. I had been dating someone, gotten pregnant and lost the pregnancy. When the relationship ended per him, I moved on and immediatly went on with my plans prior to him, which was to go to Greece on a vacation and then proceed to the sperm bank. I wasn’t going to tell my family till I was pregnant, but ended up needing a few fertility procedures that required surgery prior to even trying. So I had to tell my family what I was up to… as I needed a ride too and from surgery. My 80 year old plus grandparents were supportive though they found it a rather interesting thing to do. They love their now great-grandaugher and my parents are in bliss with their first grandaughter. I miss not having a man in my life, and fear that I never will again. But I didn’t want to miss out on being a mom…. and that was one thing I could control.

  3. Congrats! I (at 41 yo) was in the same boat (financially stable & homeowner) and now I have a beautiful, healthy son (my first) who is 2.5 months old today (after three IUI attempts-last attempt with hormone/fertility enhancement drug). My mom lives with me and we have been bonding not only with my newborn but also with each other. I’m am so much happier with my decision to be a single mom by choice. I’m also so blessed to have a mom that is there to support me and my son, not only as his grandma but also as his stay-at-home nanny (today is my first day back at work). I felt completing liberated once I made the decision “to try” as well. I’m so happy that the pressure to find “the one” is off and was able to create a beautiful child. No regrets here. Good luck in your process. Blessings, Cyndi

  4. Great story! And I totally understand what you meant about not being afraid or anxious once you made the decision. I similarly felt that way, too! Now, if I can just get rid of the anxiety and fear I’m feeling during the TTC process after a failed IUI… 🙂

  5. Congratulations on the decision! I can’t wait to go from Thinker to Tryer myself. Good luck with your journey. It’s great that your family is supportive.

  6. I think it’s wonderful that you were able to discuss this topic with your family and that your family is so well-functioning. Your post serves as an example of how family members optimally behave when they are healthy. You and your child will be lucky to have such a supportive extended family.

    I think back to gay coming out stories and the varied reactions people receive when they announce their homosexuality. Most families are embracing while a few are totally rejecting.

    Likewise, the same thing occurs with single parenthood. I remember my first discussion with a female relative about this topic. I thought she’d be the most receptive family member. From her I heard, “What are you trying to do, wreck the family?” I had to deal with two female family members, one who had elected not to have any children and the other who had elected to have an abortion and neither had fully processed their decision. As a result, they were both very rejecting and abandoning of me and my children. The love and care that family members should invest in the next generation was withheld. It took these females several years to apologize for their behavior and one still hasn’t bothered to meet my children, both of whom are teenagers. I hadn’t expected these two snags, but the other snag of dealing with very conservative family members, I had expected. One family member to this day still claims to be so embarrassed that she insists on telling everyone I’m divorced! She tries to keep us hidden from her friends even though I tell her she’s practically the only person in the country who is still living in the 1950’s.

    My children and I live far away from toxic family members and I have really enjoyed the experience of having normal children and living within a healthy, normal family. Friends and strangers have been unwaveringly supportive. In my situation, the most able, loving, caring community members were able to see the void and fill it. I have received one big lesson on compassion, generosity and kindness.

    There are women in my situation who have denied themselves children because they were not able to deal with the issues presented by their family members. Therapy is a great place to deal with these kinds of issues. I hope that women who have supportive family members and as a result well-loved offspring are able to appreciate their situation.

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