Revolutionary Living

We can all name some truly Revolutionary People: Thomas Payne. Or some truly revolutionary acts: Rosa Parks taking a seat on a city bus. But there is some truly revolutionary living going on in the US today. And I don’t think all those who do it, do it intentionally.

My aunt who went to law school in the 1970s was one of about 20 women in her lawschool class. That she knew was mildly revolutionary. She was the first female president of the bar association of her state (when I was a freshman in college). That was a mildly revolutionary thing to do. She knew consciously that she was part of the continuing movement to women’s equality in career settings.

Today, there are African American, out of the closet LGBT persons and others who are still blazing trails in certain professions or career levels. However, I don’t think being both a woman and a lawyer makes me that automatically.

When I went to law school, I was in a class that was 51% women. I was not trying to blaze a trail. I was trying to make myself into a woman capable of supporting herself in the event that Prince Charming (PC) never showed up, ran away early or died prematurely.

However, no one sat me down and told me that it would take a revolutionary PC to marry a woman who was a lawyer.

But I believe that is what it would take. As it happens, I went to law school for an extra year and an extra degree (yes, I have 2 law degrees). And I believe non-revolutionary men find that especially intimidating.

Any man who dated me, would have to be comfortable with my education, my career and to an extent, my independence. A part of me would be willing to give up the career for the right guy, but the career comes with debt for which the nice career is helpful in managing, so unless he’s loaded, I’m going to need to continue to work.

In my observation, there are not as many revolutionary men out there as there are educated, successful women. That leaves us with a choice. I could try to demure and humble myself, sabotage my career, lie about my education and try to “land” a guy who would not be comfortable dating a successful version of myself.

Or I could be who I am. I will keep a look out for the “right” revolutionary guy, but I know my chances are slim. Who I am is a really smart woman who has an awesome job and is working on her third professional degree. I am a terrible house keeper, an awesome cook, a cat lover and a liberal. I don’t think any of these things alone is revolutionary.

What is mildly revolutionary, it has become apparent to me, is that I am a woman who wants a child enough that she is willing to do it without the added support of a co-parent. The truth is both my grandfathers were raised by single mothers so they’ve been around a while. The Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) group has been around 30+ years, so it’s not as revolutionary as one might think. However, I think people still see it as a bit of a courageous step. I am becoming a part of the re-defining of the American family. And that is mildly revolutionary.

There are those who look at this as giving up on the dream of meeting the right guy, getting married and having his babies. In a way, that is what this is, but in a way, it is not.

I am already a woman that it would take a pretty awesome and somewhat revolutionary guy to date. And I am convinced that any guy who I could fall in love with or who could fall in love with me, would be okay with the donor-conceived child I will have. Without the donor-conceived child, he’d have to deal with a terrible house keeping, well educated, liberal professional who was desperate for a child. With the child, he’ll have to deal with a terrible house keeping, well educated, liberal working mother who is not desperate, but is simply looking for love.

I expect my priorities will change (or are changing) in terms of the priority of finding a relationship. Having decided to go it alone, I am not making dating a priority right now. I am now comfortable with the idea that I may never meet my PC. I wonder sometimes if I am too cynical for love or if love is just for the young (or the un-analytical). But, it has been years (more than five) since I have met a guy that I thought had PC potential. And I would prefer to be alone than with a guy I didn’t love. Especially, when I don’t have to have my PC to be a mother.

That doesn’t mean that I’d turn down an invitation for an appealing date. I have no idea how or when I would explain that I am ttc if someone asked me out. But I know I would explain before the relationship got serious (and/or sexual). And I expect that would end the relationship (that is if the liberal, educated & lawyer thing didn’t end it). But, honestly, if the “I am planning on having a donor-conceived child” thing did scare him off, I figure that’s just saving me from wasting time on a guy who can’t handle a girl like me. But if it didn’t, I would be convinced that I had a revolutionary guy on my hands & would take it as a very good sign and believe that he is perhaps, PC material.

Then maybe that PC and I could do some revolutionary living together.


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“I used to think that becoming an SMC was my plan B, but it was the best decision I ever made. My son is my pride and joy. I can't imagine life without him. I am thankful that I had support along the way through the SMC community. I no longer consider it my plan B.”

– Anonymous