To Tell or Not to Tell?

I have recently gone on 4 dates with a guy. It’s probably the slowest relationship I’ve ever had — 4 dates in 2 1/2 months, not incredibly deep conversation, and we haven’t even kissed yet! But, he’s actually growing on me, and he’s a great guy. He’s 48, and has a 12-year-old son who he has full custody of. On his profile, it said “Maybe” for “Do you want kids?” Since there are only 3 options to choose from: Yes, No and Maybe… Maybe can mean a lot of things. Some men say that means “I’m not sure”. Some say it means “If my partner wants kids, I’m a yes. If not, I’m a no.” So, I knew at some point, I’d need to ask him what his “Maybe” means. This is also a particularly hot topic for me, because last year, I ended a relationship with someone who I thought was the love of my life, and I wanted to marry, but his original “maybe” (explained at the time as “yes, if my partner wants kids”) became a “no” after we were completely in love. Ending this relationship was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it was the right one for me. But, obviously I’d rather not get into a situation like that again.

So, the question before our 4th date was… “When should I tell him I’m trying to get pregnant?” (TTC = trying to conceive.). But, now, the question is… “When do I tell him I’m actually pregnant?” And, we haven’t even had the kid conversation at ALL!!  Given that it still feels really early in terms of where we are emotionally, I just don’t feel like it’s time yet. But, I do want to know where he stands in terms of kids. So, last night I asked him. He said, “That’s a good question. When I first got divorced, I definitely wanted kids. Now, I’m not opposed to it, but it’s not a mandatory.” Hmmm, that sounds familiar. And, I do know that men say what you want to hear a lot of times. And, I’m guessing he knew that’s what I wanted to hear, because my profile said “Yes”. He then asked if I wanted kids, and I said “Yes, it’s something I’ve always wanted, and something I know I’ll do at some point.”

Is it time to tell him I’m TTC? Or pregnant? On the one hand, I think “If he can’t accept where I stand now, then he’s not ready for it anyway. I might as well tell him sooner rather than later.” On the other hand, I think, “The more he gets to know me, hearing something as big as this will land much differently than when we don’t know each other that well.” It reminds me of a 1st date I had recently, and the guy shared with me that he can’t have kids because of bad sperm from chemo, that he’s had 2 different types of cancers, and that he pees in a bag. Wow. Hearing all that when I barely knew him, there was just no compelling reason to have to deal with all of that. But, if we were already really connected when he told me all of that, I’d be much more likely to think, “He’s so awesome, I’m willing to go with it.”

There was a discussion in our SMC group today, and some of the women believe you should tell as soon as the 2nd date. Thinking about all of this, for me, It feels right to wait a little bit longer to tell him.  Going with my gut feeling is something I don’t do very well. But I’m trying! :-)


3 thoughts on “To Tell or Not to Tell?”

  1. I’m a man. Was curious about why women choose to be single mothers so I came to this site and this was the first thing I read. Already I’m confused. It’s single mothers by *choice*, right? Since you’ve chosen to have a kid solo, why all the concern about how the guy feels about kids? The guy said “maybe”to kids, right? But why do his wishes matter, whatever he said? You’re chosen single motherhood by choice so what’s the problem? If you are not a single mother by choice then why are you on this site? Also, you are not clear whether you are TTC with this guy or whether you are in fact pregnant. If you are pregnant by this guy, should you tell him? Well, since sperm donors know then I think this guy should know. Why would you not tell him? Once you tell him his maybe will become a yes or a no, then you’ll have your answer. But I really don’t see what your struggle is about, since you’ve already decided to be a single mom.

    If I’m missing something please enlighten me by posting a comment here.

    Now, if this site were called single women looking for a partner to raise a child, then I’d advise you to dump your maybe and find a “yes”. I’m not even sure why you’d risk dating a maybe, if it’s that important to you. Maybe = he has doubts = you have doubts. Or are you counting on convincing him to change to a yes? How much time do you have to find out? And do you want to risk another heartbreak?

  2. I told the guy I’m seeing after the 3rd date (that I’m TTCing…not pregnant yet). He had started to talk about us as a relationship and seemed serious. The look of shock was actually pretty funny, but he took it well and we’ve continued to see each other. I felt like once it seemed like we moved from “dating” to a relationship, he deserved to know.

  3. In contrast to the poster…I dated throughout my pregnancy, but I explained my situation to each man before we met.

    Judaism talks about the ‘sin of omission,’ and for me, not volunteering my status would have been exactly that. Dating a pregnant woman, even casually, is much more of an undertaking than dating a woman who isn’t. You have to be sensitive to her diet and activity limitations. You’re subject to mood swings and discomforts that don’t reflect the person as she normally is. You run the risk -and believe me, this is an issue- of becoming emotionally involved with a child that isn’t yours.

    I believe the men I dated had the -right- to know about my pregnancy ahead of time, so they could decide how much to risk on me. Based on their feedback, they were grateful for my honesty, and for the chance to step away.

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