If I Could Turn Back Time…

clockjpg40 sucks for me right now. I was looking forward to it; now I feel like a fool for having been excited. I am sad that I have not done all I wanted to at this point. I am trying not to focus on the negative, but right now I am not feeling very positive.

I joined Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) and now I am reading posts on the private online discussion Forum. I purposely signed up for this because I wanted to learn from women who are in similar situations to mine and who have been through the journey I am undertaking.

They have several awesome sub-forums you can participate in, including “Thinking/Planning”, “Community”, “Trying to Conceive”, “Pregnancy”,  and groups for women with children in different age groups. I guess I should have waited to read the Trying to Conceive forum, though, because I am hearing about women who have been through more procedures than I will ever be able to afford who haven’t yet had successful pregnancies. I am learning that this may be more complicated than I initially thought.

For years people have told me, “you have time”. What a lie! We don’t have time. Time, at some point, is no longer on our side when it comes to fertility. I am reading stories of single women who start trying to conceive in their early 30s. I should have started back then…I was just waiting for “the right man” and “the right time”. Gods, I want to go back and do this all again!

I had a major freak out/meltdown on Sunday night. I was a complete and utter mess. I SOBBED for a hour or more – venting about how terrible I felt. God/dess bless my friends and one of the women from SMC for helping me through it.

I know I am “pre-worrying” about something that I don’t even know will be a problem for me, but I am SCARED!!! I am scared that I “waited” too long. I am scared that I won’t get pregnant. I am scared I won’t be able to carry to term. I am scared of all possible complications. I am scared I will make the wrong choice of donors (I am SO going to have to order photos!). I am scared I won’t be able to afford additional procedures if I need them. I am scared that I will be single for the rest of my life.

I am trying to pull myself together and be proactive. Today I am calling to make an appointment with my primary care doctor to see about a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. I am going to call my insurance to find what benefits (if any) I have in terms of fertility treatments/procedures, and do more research on cryobanks. I have GOT to get over being scared!

Tracie, 40, Thinker


4 thoughts on “If I Could Turn Back Time…”

  1. One other bit of advice…try not to worry too much about choosing your donor. Spend a day and narrow it down to 6 profiles. What I did then was send the profiles to 3 of my closet friends and my close family….I sort of thought of it like…if I was introducing them to a partner or boyfriend they would offer an opinion so I included them in the process of choosing my donor. For me it helped and the majority chose the one that I was leaning towards which gave me confidence in my choice.
    Good Luck and best wishes!

  2. Tracie just keep jumping through the hoops and "play ball"! I'm in the very same situation as you 40 and scared but I just try to keep moving. It's all we can do….and don't beat yourself up. You are doing the very best you can!
    Best wishes

  3. I believe in the same urgency when it comes to adoption – so many unpredicable delays are possible, rules change, more paperwork, it's like being pregnant without a due date. Of the many dozens of adoptive parents I know, none of us has ever said, "I wish I'd waited longer to adopt."

    Best of luck in TTC!

  4. Tracie, along with you, I am so frustrated with the media that makes it seem as if having a child after 40 is no big deal. I was lucky and conceived at 39, but other friends were not so lucky. We only read about X, Y, or Z who conceived in her late 40's. No one writes about A, B, or C who wasn't able to conceive at 40. I have a "soapbox", and when I hear women who are 35 or older thinking that they have time to wait, I feel compelled to tell them that time may betray them, and don't wait if that is what they want. Good luck to you Tracie, and from my soapbox, I want to say, don't want to find the "perfect" donor. Most people don't put as much effort into finding a husband with the right genetic characteristics as we SMCs do in seeking the perfect donor. If being a mother is what you want, try to hasten the process, rather than seeking perfection. Best of luck.


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