Why I Chose to Use Donor Sperm

iStock_spermXSmallI considered other methods of becoming a Single Mother by Choice (SMC) before I decided to use donor sperm.  My first instinct was international adoption.  Unfortunately, the costs for that begin at $50k and it often costs much more.  It involves extensive time off work for travel and puts the parent (and child) at the mercy of foreign courts.  Additionally, several countries (Russia & China among them) are only willing to allow singles to adopt if the child is over 8 years old or “special needs”, i.e. has AIDS or autism or something else that makes them “less attractive” to “intact” families.

I have volunteered with both CASA and another program that works with children in foster care.  I have heard about the need for good homes for these children and seen it first hand.  I also know how absolutely smart. beautiful and loving these children can be.  So, I attended a foster-to-adopt meeting at the Department of Family and Children Services (DFCS). They were extremely discouraging.  They said that they don’t have many younger children to place. Worse, apparently ALL the children they do have “need more attention” than a single working mother can give (i.e. court mandated therapy several times a week during business hours, mandated visits with their birth parents, etc.).  Foster parents need a designated chauffeur in the family.  Additionally, there are many, many potential emotional and mental health pitfalls in adopting an older child. They essentially said that they aren’t interested in a single parent — especially one who works long hours.  These are special children and I am not suitable to care for them given my marital status and profession.

Years ago, I looked into domestic adoption.  At that time, it cost over $18,000 just to get on the list at the local agency that seemed most open to single parents.  Even then there was no guarantee that a pregnant woman would ever pick me to be the mother of her baby.  Fifty years ago, something like 8% of babies were put up for adoption in the US. Now, that number is less than 1%.  While I do know of several women who have adopted successfully, I have also heard many stories of failed adoptions and years on waiting lists.  I know of at least one woman who has been waiting for FOUR years.  There are not, as people imagine, lots of babies lying around waiting for a loving home.

I have since learned of adoption consultants and met local SMCs who have adopted domestically.  I believe now that if I choose to go the domestic adoption route, I could adopt a child for around $35-40K for the whole process and only pay the bulk of it if/when I actually come home with a child.  But, I would need to be open to a child of any race, any gender, from any state (and willing to travel to adopt), and be flexible about things like in-utero exposure to smoke, alcohol, illegal drugs, psychiatric drugs and more.  I can’t imagine any child I would turn away, but at the same time that’s a lot to be open to.

The reality is that if I had no difficulty conceiving, donor sperm would have been far and away the cheapest way for me to go.  My first three insemination cycles, plus all the testing my doctor required before hand only cost me about $10K.  Much of that would have been covered by insurance had I been “using my husband’s sperm”, but $10K is a bargain compared to adoption – and insurance would kick in for the pregnancy.

But, you never know until you try.  And despite my good fertility numbers, my textbook perfect cycles, my regular ovulation without medication, I eventually completed ten cycles to the tune of $20K total – without getting pregnant.  It has cost me more than I expected, but it was still much cheaper than adoption and gave me the additional bonuses of being able to give my child a genetic connection and allowing me to control in-utero exposure to bad things.

I could have, in theory, tried to “trick” some guy into getting me pregnant, but the legal and “baby-daddy drama” potential, not to mention disease potential and general sleaze factor, aren’t things I want to associate with bringing my child into the world.  There are known donor options with live sperm that are also cheaper, but I don’t know anyone I am comfortable asking and I am not comfortable trolling internet sites with men offering these, um, services.

I’ve come to the point now, having done donor sperm IVF once – which would have been cheaper than adoption – if it had worked the first time – where I might be better off switching to adoption (or even donor eggs).  But that is a really tough decision to make when doctor after doctor keeps telling you that there is no reason to believe that it won’t work.

IVF with my own eggs gives me lots of advantages – and has a “good chance” of giving me a child for whom I can control the in-utero exposures, provide at least a partial family tree and a genetic link, and gives me a decent chance to have “left over” frozen embryos to enable me to have a full blooded sibling if I someday decide to have another baby.  So, I’m  going to try it.

It still seems like the right decision for me, for now. But, each time I get more aggressive or spend more money, I re-evaluate this decision.  I would like to have a genetic child.  I have as much right to have a genetic child as any married person.  My child has as much right to a genetic connection to its mother as any other child has.  However, I am coming close to the time where it will make more sense to switch from donor sperm to donor embryo or the like – which is still cheaper than adoption and gives me the opportunity to control in-utero exposure to toxins.

From http://formerlymmm.blogspot.com/

13 thoughts on “Why I Chose to Use Donor Sperm”

  1. Happy to read this. I also really want to try this option. I felt like I was reading my own thoughts.
    Thanks for sharing

  2. Hi there!

    My friend, single mother by choice, after many years of trials and attempts, got a sperm donor and finally had a beautiful baby girl. Up until the holidays of 2016, she was almost 3 years peaceful and happy in love with her little girl.

    The sperm donor, known sperm donor, is fighting for custody and there seems to be no support group or attorney’s that specialize in this in San Diego, CA. After all of our research and 2 attorney’s later, it turns out it’s so specialized, no help is out there for these single superwomen mothers.

    She’s trying to savvy herself up, but it’s very hard.

  3. Single mother by choice, I feel it is a sad and complicated predicament, but also so exciting to have full control of everything and not deal with another person. I’m seeing some nasty divorces where I think the worst part is having to share a child and communicate with someone week in and week out who has cheated/lied/whatever else and this situation looks great in comparison.

    My situation is a little different as I am using a known donor who I’ve been dating on and off for two years. He has a lot of heartbreaking issues that I hope he resolves over time and a job that doesn’t give him any certainty (moves a lot) so for us it hasn’t been easy to just get on with a normal relationship.

    But from day 1 he has always told me that no matter what happens with us, he would be a donor whenever I wanted. After two years of this uncertainty with him I’ve decided I just need to get on with my life (40 this year) and get on with the one thing I have always wanted – a child and a family. He is incredibly intelligent and good looking and I like that I know him and I’ve met his mother who I think has a great personality and very intelligent too. We’ve done all the mandatory counselling and got a contract drawn up – which can easily be thrown out in court but at least it’s something that clearly demonstrates our agreement at this point in time.

    Unfortunately, he has really bad quality sperm so I am doing IVF, spending a lot of money because of it while having no idea how his sperm will perform in the end.

    They will be doing fertilisation in 1 weeks time so let’s hope all goes well. I am going through excitement and sadness at the same time. Excited that I am going to (hopefully) get what I’ve always wanted but sad that I couldn’t give my child the circumstances I’ve tried so hard to find for the last 20 years! Sad and worried about how exhausted I am going to be in that first year! Worried about having to pay for everything myself etc.

    In terms of future and dating, who knows. Maybe this guy will get his crap together, maybe I’ll meet another single dad. Like my acupuncture lady says, there’s the rest of my life to find ‘the one’, but there’s only a short window of time to have a child.

    I hope everyone follows their heart, don’t worry about what people think, don’t worry about how the child will be treated once they’re in school etc – so many things will be different in our society by the time they are 10+ anyway. So many children will be in similar situations, single parents, gay parents, donor parents, adopted parents etc.

    Anyway, best wishes to all 😀

  4. I am thinking about having a baby with a donor as I haven’t found the right partner yet.I would be glad if someone who already had the donor experience could share her thoughts with me.In my country (Greece) these things are tabus and I am afraid if my child will become a victim of bullying or discriminatio. Also I can’t imagine what should i tell to my child about how it was conceived. If the child would blame me for my choice when it in adolescence. Sorry for my english.

  5. Just curious about the cost – I’m divorced, and have three (teenage) children by my ex husband. I would love the possibility of another baby, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be in the situation to have one in a relationship in time (I’m 39). I’m looking into donor sperm websites, and the samples are $700-$900 apiece. My imagination is full of turkey basters and a quickly positive test (I had zero problems the first three times), so I’m wondering what I’m missing.

    1. I guess I’m really lucky. I bought sperm from CryosInternational I did an at home semenation did not use hormones and didn’t get my doctor involved. The total cost for me to get pregnant was 300 bucks 250 for sperm and 50 bucks for an ovulation kit from target.

  6. I hope you have a healthy baby. You will make a wonderful SMC.
    I feel the same way you do about having a child.

  7. I just wanted to wish you the best an offer my support and encouragement. I could have written this blog myself, as I went through nearly the exact same sequence of events and considerations. After several attempts at artificial insemination, I found out through a test that my Fallopians were blocked, and nothing was every going to get through that way. Devastated by the news, I was then disillusioned again at the reaction of many of my friends. “Well, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be” they said. Only one friend, who new me best said. Well, so that wont work, what next? The next was IVF. I had only enough money left to try it one time, and fortunately it worked! My son will turn 10 at the end of this month. An amazing decade! I love him so much. He was the best decision I have ever made. I wish this same joy to you, whatever it is you need to do to get him/her, it is worth it. Your child is waiting for you!

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