A Shift in the Tears

Soon after I joined Single Mothers by Choice (SMC), the “Welcome” email arrived and I was excited to receive it. I was clicking through the various links in the email, reading absolutely everything. Then, from somewhere in the depths of my soul came this horribly painful, primal and unrecognizable half gasp, half cry. I immediately covered my mouth with my hand almost in disbelief that the sound had come from inside of me, and the tears started to flow.

I was shocked at how hard these feelings had hit me, so deeply that I, without thought and warning had cried out. This said to me yes, if I wanted to become a parent, I better get moving as I may not ever have a partner to start a family with. The route of becoming a SMC may be my last call for motherhood. How ironic that just a few years ago ‘last call’ meant something very different than this last call.

I now find myself two months after receiving the Welcome email from SMC with tears in my eyes again. But the tears are definitely different than the ones that came just a short while ago when I saw ‘last call for motherhood’ for the first time. The tears are different because they are not tears of sadness, now the tears are hopeful tears as I read the responses to my laundry list of questions from other SMC members on the adoption section of the SMC online Forum They are tears of absolute joy and hopefulness that so many other women have pursued this journey. These women have pursued adoption both domestically and internationally and they have these wonderfully rich stories of their journeys and of their children, each unique, none without a few bumps in the road, but that’s parenthood.

I believe that I have always known in my heart that I couldn’t imagine myself not being a mom, but now I’m starting to believe that I will be a mom, that I can make this happen if I want it to.

Yes there will be sacrifices and compromises and lots of changes in order to make this happen, but if I find I really do want to do this, I can. I realize that becoming a part of this community, taking the time to read as much as I can about this process means that this may in fact be my “last call for motherhood’ but the emphasis in my mind is no longer on the sudden sadness I felt relating to the words ‘last call’ but instead I can now relate to the joy and invitation of the ‘call to motherhood’ that I now believe is possible.