Motherhood — Part 2

Thinking woman looking up on many question signs above head isolated(This is the second half of Motherhood. The first half appeared in this space earlier this month.)

If I decide to become a single mother, I would probably also be deciding that my child would be an only child. Not only would s/he not have a father, but also it would be just the two of us. Going it alone would be hard enough financially and mentally, so thinking about a second on my own is probably not in the cards. Some of my best memories growing up involve my brothers: chasing after each other, inventing games, and having a buffer or distraction when we were stuck with our parents for too long in a confined car on road trips. As adults we’ve bonded in a completely different way and I can’t imagine not having these relationships in my life. Who am I to knowingly deprive my child of that experience?

I live in a community where this isn’t the norm. Perhaps if I lived in another area it would be a different story, but I live in a very closed minded community. That’s obviously a huge generalization, but the reality is that the majority gets married by their mid-20’s, most of the women don’t work full time, and gossip circulates like crazy. If you are getting divorced, within 24 hours everyone is talking about what happened, who cheated, and how they saw it coming. The truth is that anyone who doesn’t live their life in a traditional way has moved away; it’s just easier that way I guess.

In all honesty I don’t care about what they think of me and my decisions. I know they already think I’m a lesbian because I am not married and went to Smith. What other reason would there be for not having a revolving door of boyfriends or a husband by now?

So I am not too concerned for myself about what they would all say if I show up  pregnant and single,  but I am more concerned for my family. I know it would hurt my mom to have all these people talking about me and I know that in the end it would be hard for my child growing up as the fatherless child in this community.

But if I throw all of that out the window, why shouldn’t I be a mother? So what if I knowingly choose single motherhood? The one thing I’ve seen from family and friends is that you can attempt to plan out how you expect to raise your children, but then having them is a completely different story. Nothing goes exactly as you planned. I could do it alone and make it work for me…for my family unit. It wouldn’t be easy and I would need the support of my family, but I could do it and do it well.

The last part of me thinks about tradition. I am not a very religious person, but this part of me contemplates the whole idea that if G-d wanted me to have children, then it would be when I am married and the “natural” order of things occurs. Should I be taking this into my own hands and going ahead with insemination or freezing my eggs? Or should I just wait and see if I meet that right guy and hopefully get pregnant? Maybe at the end of the day I am not meant to have my own kids. Maybe I am meant to be the awesome aunt and take care of other people’s kids. Everyone has a purpose and perhaps mine is not motherhood in the sense I’ve always thought.

Whatever my path may be, I still don’t know. I hate that as a woman I have to make a decision fairly soon and can’t let too much time pass to see what happens. I tend to overanalyze many decisions, but the best ones, the ones that have significantly impacted my course in life, have been more gut reactions. I think I’ll patiently wait to see where life takes me between now and 35 and then I might just go with my gut.

Sharon Minski (

5 thoughts on “Motherhood — Part 2”

  1. Hi,
    I am a single mother who adopted a daughter. She is nine years old. I would like to connect with others experiencing being a single mother through adoption. I live in Mahwah, NJ, the northern part of NJ.
    Eileen Head

  2. I wanted to be a mother so badly that I chose the wrong man as a father and it has been one of the hardest lessons I ever learned. I gave into social pressure and pressure from my parents to get married to have a family because it was “better for the child”. Now I resent my parents and myself for doing something that didn’t feel right.

    I am still a single mother. My daughters father has never helped physically or financially. He was extremely dishonest and emotionally abusive. He disappears and reappears when it’s convenient for him. But I’ve still had to fight for custody because fathers have rights legally and he’s a controlling person. I have found being a single mother easy compared to being a mother and involving the wrong man.

    My daughter is the biggest blessing of my life. I have learned more from her in her short life than I had in the last 34 years. I truly feel like my reason for being here is to be a single mother. I just wish I had trusted myself to begin with and done it on my own from the start! It would have saved me money in the long run and lots of pain for me and my daughter. I don’t believe it’s true that you need a father for a child to grow up happy and stable. If the mother can be committed and provide enough emotional presence and love, then everything will be ok. I’m planning on having another child soon through artificial insemination.

    If being a single mother feels right to you, don’t give into social pressure to do otherwise. “Be the change you want to see in the world” and all that stuff :). Of course, only you know what is right for you. That’s just my 2 cents.

    1. Hi MG!

      I’m from Mx and let me tell you that it’s a little bit difficult to find web sites like this, even books with this topics are difficult to find. So digging and digging I find this place and read your post. I had a similar situation like yours but my experience told me something: perro que ladra no muerde, which means: dog who barks, didn’t bite. In my case, this motherf****r starts bragging himself telling everybody that he can easily take off my baby girl because for the judge, the fact that I’m from divorce parents isn’t good to raise a kid and a lot of bulls**t like that. But, I start to search between my friends a lawyer and between my family a lot of support and last monday I won the custody of my baby. So, they think we’re “el sexo débil” (weak gender) but the simple fact that we are able to form a human being inside us, it’s enough to have all the power to do what we think is the best for our children.

      Don’t worry girls, this times are different, remove from your mind the idea of what a family is: dad, mom and son. A family can also be mom, son and grandma/mom, son and grandpa/mom and sons/dad, son and grandma/moms and son, etc. etc.

      We just need love, values, respect, confidence and love again to raise our kids. Hugs from Mexico to all the single mothers.

      We’re not alone 😉

  3. Go with your gut!

    I was always the awesome aunt and godmother! Now I’m lucky to be a SMC.

    Your child’s experiences will always be different from your own. Only child or a child w siblings.

    It does seem better for me and my child to be someplace with a diverse population….

    Wishing you all the best.

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