Who Is My Daddy?

I am a single  mother by choice. I have thought about what to tell my child about his father from the time I started planning my pregnancy. Everything I read said that I child may start asking, “What is a Daddy?” or “Where is my Daddy?” around the age of three. I felt  semi-prepared for his first question. When Bryan was nursing, I practiced. I talked to him about who his father was and why I decided to have a baby by myself. Sometimes I didn’t like the way it sounded so I reworded it.

During the first year of my baby’s life I continued these monologues abut how everyone has a father but not everyone has a Daddy; some fathers live with their children and some don’t.; it takes a lot of work to be a parent and my son’s father, although he is honest, thoughtful and kind, didn’t want the responsibilities of being a Daddy; that I wanted a baby so much that I decided to have him by myself.

I also wrote a journal — letters to my son. In these letters I told him about my feelings, how much I love him, that I am happy with my life, that I have the greatest gift in the world – a beautiful child.

Bryan was just two years old when he asked about daddy. It started one day when he was singing, “Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy”. I ignored it the first day but he continued it for several days. He looked up at me in the middle of singing it one day and said, “Where’s my Daddy?” I was surprised he put the words together but the answer to his question smoothly flowed from my mouth: “You don’t have a Daddy. Some of your friends have Daddies; Michael has a Daddy, Josh has a Daddy. But some kids don’t have Daddies, like Chloe and Robin.” He seemed to understand. About a week later he said, “Daddy allgone.” I agreed. “Yes, that’s right. We don’t have a daddy that lives with us.” For now he is satisfied with that answer, but I know I’ll have to expand a little each time he asks.

My son is only 2 1/2 and I really don’t know exactly what his next question will be. However, I’m comfortable with my choice, and imagine that my attitude will be passed on to Bryan. I have no regrets, and I know that I am willing and able to help him process his questions.


7 thoughts on “Who Is My Daddy?”

  1. This is a timely post for me. My son is 2 yrs + 5 mths and I feel like the question is going to come soon. He hears everything and is a real thinker. I have told him our story as an infant, less so recently. I like where you said “everyone has a father, but not everyone has a Daddy”. It’s hard to have these emotional conversations. Well done on making it a positive one for your child.

  2. I have read your comments with tears rolling down my face. I have been with my partner for 12 years (I am now 33 and he is 57). Yes there’s an age gap, but we have proved the test of time and we work. And we work so well together. We totally adore each other but hidden away has been this topic which we have both been frightened to bring up. I am desperate to be a mum. He already has two grown up children, married with children themselves. He says that he cannot have a child with me for a few reasons. He says that he only has about 10 years left. This isn’t true at all, but he just feels he’s too old. He says who will support the child when Im gone. I’ve explained that I will, and that I have a huge family with love and support for me. I myself grew up without my father. My mother did an amazing job, and my partner knows that and knows all about my childhood.
    I know he doesn’t want any children with me, but he wont actually say “I cant do this”. He says he’s too frightened to make a decision as he thinks it will me I will leave him. We are completely and madly in love and always have been. I am completely torn apart. Leaving him doesn’t automatically give me a child, it just leaves me broken hearted and separated from the man I love. Staying with him gives me the man I love, but this awful pain inside my heart longing to be a mum lives on.
    I am so so so sad, I cant believe it. I’m still trying to convince myself that he will change his mind. He knows my time is running out biologically too. I just want to go into a corner and just cry and cry.

    1. My heart aches for you and hopefully you will find the answer in your heart of what is best for you. I ended up choosing to have a child on my own as most of the women on this blog did. Let me tell you, it isn’t easy by no means. Each year the emotions and questions get harder, but every moment that I look at her I know that it’s worth it! I have people who support my decision and others who absolutely disagree and I knew that going in so I really had to make the decision by myself and only for myself. Hopefully whichever decision you decide to make you will be happy with in the end. Take care!

  3. I think the next question is ” why daddy leave us”. When I was child I have faced this problem. I asked my mom but she couldn’t answer. Why and when I have lost my daddy I don’t know. When I am adult at that time I decided when my child born I gave her best as a mom. Reading your blog my memories get live again.

    1. Thank you for the comment. Our children don’t usually ask why daddy left because our members conceived via donor insemination, and so there is/was no “daddy” who left.

      We suggest to our members that they tell their children from the earliest days of their lives (before they can understand words) the story of their conception. It’s a topic that often throws people for a loop at first, but with practice, it becomes pretty matter-of-fact.

      We discuss this kind of thing, and much more, on our online members’ Forum.

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