Sometimes I reflect on my life over the years.

15 years, probably more, that I have fought for what I want, for what I believe. I guess in a way motherhood and dating go hand in hand, since my whole life I believed that one was the means to another.

My mother tells me that I have always believed that what I wanted, what I desired was out there. She admired my persistence and fight that it could be real for me, that I stood for what I believed steadfast, despite years of unsuccessful relationships.

Mom always taught me the lesson in life, the lessons of relationships – that you learn from them, that you take the lesson and grow, so the next relationship would be even richer.

Have I had hard times over the past few years? Yes.
Realizing Mr. Right was not here in time. Yuck.
Deciding, grieving the fact that I had to take matters in my own hand and become a single mother by choice. Not easy.
Deciding to do it, and losing a pregnancy, and my infertility in one moment. The most difficult thing that has ever happened to me.
IVF, then my miracle – Aidan.
Made it all worth it.

I remember the first time I sat in the doctor’s office, and meeting the IVF staff. They were celebrating a staff birthday as I waited for my first consultation. I looked up and said to them “hopefully I won’t see you guys anytime soon” knowing deep down I probably would. (I was right.)

My dream – motherhood, was met after that terrible loss of normal baby making without spending 15K. Of course it did not matter once Aidan was born.

I lost a babysitter after 5 weeks, and found Elba. She was a miracle, and she loved my son.

I was ready for him to go to preschool, and she found out she was pregnant, and would have to take care of her own little one.

I squashed my need for companionship, for love and sex and all that made me who i was, and dove into parenthood. I was happy, and my dreams were met. Then almost by accident, I “meet” my boyfriend, my old friend for the past 12 years.
Completely unexpected.

I am still so blown away by his heart, his honesty, and how safe he makes me feel. He has a soul that makes me feel fulfilled and a sense of humor that entertains me.

He has the one thing that I have always dreamed of, what I have fought for for so long-pushing forward and believing that it *could* be possible: he communicates with me. We talk through things – he speaks my belief that “It is all about communication.” I cannot believe it, but alas – it is real.

Is it true that my struggles over the years to follow my dreams, and what I knew to be true, despite what people said – could have lead me to what I have always desired?


4 thoughts on “Dreams”

  1. It is encouraging to read this. I am turning 40 in a couple months and have had zero luck finding a partner with whom I want to build a life; it has been very trying, sad, and lonely. I have been “thinking” for a year now, and all preparations are in place for me to get AI, but I’m quite nervous — fear of being a single mom and being overwhelmed (which I know will happen), but also letting go of my dream to have a partner, marriage, then child. It’s hard to let that go. But I’m afraid times run out for that dream. Thank you for sharing your story, and reminding me that love and a good partnership is still a possibility if I am a single mom by choice.

  2. Thank you for sharing. I am a thinker, and very excited about the possibility of being a mother sooner rather than later. One of my fears is that taking this leap on my own will negate any type of love life. Thanks for reminding me that not everything has to follow the logical order. Happy to hear you followed your heart and you are better for it!

  3. Lovely. I am so happy for you. Thanks for sharing — it gives me hope. I am a SCM to 6-month-old boy — his name is Aidan too. 🙂

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