Waiting and Planning

When I started this journey I had no idea there was even a term for having a baby solo. The phrase “Single Mother by Choice” came into my line of vision in a Google search.

My neighbor started this baby party. She was hitting forty in months with no man on the horizon; she was ready to be a mother. I was 36, soon to be 37, and thought I had a whole bunch of time to find the husband and have the babies.

I attended three painful seminars at the local Reproductive Endocrinologist’s. My age was plastered in every presentation as presenting a big dilemma to my dreams of children. A review of my situation made it clear that I had many dilemmas not just one.

A bad economy, underpaid at work, a house underwater. I am living in the south when my entire family living in the north was not going to help me. It seemed hopeless. How was I going to do this by myself? I spent a few dark months believing that my dream of being a mother would be crushed just as my dream of being a wife had been.

How did I get to waiting and planning? I had to turn my life upside down. I did a short sale of my house where I lost money and my credit took a major hit. Now I am moving my life to the north and back to my mother’s house. My mom is my biggest supporter. I am her only child and she will do anything to have grandchildren. Her offer of free child care sealed the deal for this to really happen.

Now I can see the forest through the trees, and I’m looking at the sperm banks to make my number one choice. I’m making calls to see what will be needed for my first insemination. My plan is mapped out. I’m living with friends and saving money to start my journey to Boston, then to find a job, obtain health insurance and get this party started.

So many unknowns have me scared to death. Everything happens for a reason and I know if I don’t work on this goal to be a mother I will regret it the rest of my life.

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