A few months ago I decided to follow my biggest and scariest dream yet; I decided to follow my dream of being a mother, in my case a single mother.
When I first decided to go for it, I said to myself that I need time to process all the events of the past year that might have clouded my judgement. I had just ended an almost year and a half toxic relationship with a man that I loved at first, but by the end I had fallen out of love with. For some time in this past relationship, I was still willing to be with someone who I knew did not love me, who I did not love, who didn’t make me happy or appreciate me, and most importantly who had a lot of issues that made me acknowledge the fact that he could never be the father I wanted for my child, but who would provide me with a way to have a family. Now that I look back at that time, I find myself realizing that I don’t have to sacrifice my happiness nor my beliefs in order to be a mom. I can be a single mother by choice. I have the right to live in peace, and dedicate my life to raise a child in a loving, peaceful home.
Another past event that made me question my decision was the recent loss of my loving grandmother, Bubi. She was the most amazing grandmother/mother/angel that ever lived on this earth. She loved her family unconditionally, and even though we knew she wanted to rest, and got to enjoy her for quite a long time, I still felt a huge void in my heart when she passed away. A close friend told me I should give myself a few months to grieve my Bubi and if I still felt the desire to be a mom that I should go for it. A wise friend also said that I should grieve the fact that I was quitting on a life partner, at least for the near future (you never know what life and love brings you) in order to have the family I dreamed about.
So after a few months of thinking, grieving and most importantly dreaming, I have decided to be a single mother by choice. First I told my family (everyone except my dad), then I told only my very closest friends. It was no surprise to me their huge amount of support and approval. I’ve always known how amazingly understanding they can be. My closest girlfriends are the sisters I never had, even when the tears of overwhelming emotions came in, they held my hand and one of them actually went to my first doctor’s appointment with me when I said I didn’t want to go by myself. The support that I got gave me the courage to tell my dad which by this time was the only really important person I needed to tell. My dad is not one to share his feelings, so when I wrote him a letter filled with my emotions, all the hope, happiness, fears and expectations of chasing my dream, he responded with the same emotion, acknowledging his love, support and trust in my decision and in the fact that I’m going to be a great mom.
I come from a conservative culture, giving the fact that I’m a born and raised Dominican woman, living in the Dominican Republic, so don’t judge me for being so surprised that every time I tell someone of my decision I only get supportive responses. This support system makes me want to share my story of my quest to become a mother in this year, because if my story helps another woman, then I can consider myself paid. I think life gives back what you give to it, so if I give support and hope to others, life will pay me back with the same things, as it has so far.
While I was browsing through the internet I found an awesome organization called “Single Mothers by Choice”, that is the greatest place for support and information on being a single mom that I could ever find. I read a blog post they had on their site titled “This one next step”, which gave me a sense of validation that my biggest dream wasn’t a crazy dream. Why should I put all the power of finding my ultimate happiness in a someone who I haven’t met, why do I have to wait to find a man so I can have a child, why, if have the home, job, family and friends can’t I make the decision by myself to have and raise a child that I’m a hundred percent certain that is going to get all the love in the world he or she needs.
I will admit I’m scared, very scared, I know being a single mother is harder than having a child with a life partner. I still haven’t decided how and what I’m going to tell him or her when he or she asks about the fact dad doesn’t exist. I have also have yet to decide what I’m going to say in my workplace. Living in a conservative culture can be a strain from time to time. Even though I have some doubts, of one thing I am certain, this is my biggest dream, and even though it’s my scariest one, I know I have all that I need to be an excellent mom, and life has blessed me with the most wonderful family and friends, who are now and forever the best support system in the planet.