Last year at this time I was about to undergo my second round of donor insemination, and little did I know that my life was about to change forever. Deciding to be an SMC (Single Mother by Choice) was the scariest and most gratifying choice I could ever make. A friend once asked me if could live a happy life without a man in it. I said at that moment that I didn’t know but I was willing to try. However, when it came down to answering if could live my life without ever becoming a Mom, my answer with no hesitation whatsoever was NO.
So when I got the results back with a positive, I knew that my ultimate happiness was soon to come, and 40 weeks later when I held my beautiful baby boy in my arms, my life right there and then was complete. He completes me (sorry, Jerry Maguire for stealing your line). My baby completes me. I stare at him in the mornings, tired from waking up to feed him, and my life has meaning. He smiles at me with this sense of happiness, of feeling loved, and at that moment my heart melts, making the idea of embarking on raising a child on my own seem actually doable. It is that smile, that tells me “Look at me mommy, I’m happy, I’m loved, you didn’t do a selfish thing, you made me from love”.
I sometimes fear when he is older he will resent the fact I didn’t give him a Dad, but it’s at those moments when I tell myself that, true, I didn’t wait to see if life gave me a Dad for him; instead I promised him a life filled with my unconditional love and support, loving grandparents, amazing godparents, and a ton of non-blood-related aunts and uncles that are going to be there for him day or night.
This May will be my first Mother´s Day, and I never actually believed I’d get to celebrate it being a mom, being Marco´s mom. He is the most happy, peaceful, loved, cheerful, healthy little baby. I can’t believe we have survived these two and half months. The waking up two or sometimes three times in the night, the pain of recuperating from the C-section, the sore nipples from not knowing how to breastfeed, the anxiety of not knowing basic needs that other mothers find so simple, and the fear of not doing a good job, are all emotions that just do not compare to the overwhelming happiness that being a mom gives me, and of knowing I have managed to do good by him, given my inexperience in the mommy department. This month I get to celebrate the fact that thanks to an immense amount of people who supported my decision and have been there for us since day one, I have lived the most wonderful two and a half months of my life.
To those women who want to be mom but fear to do so on your own, I have this to say, just organize your finances a bit, find a support system, and follow your dream. Having your baby in your arms will automatically make the fear go away.
For those who struggle getting pregnant, I sincerely wish you the best of luck and baby dust in the world, I know how much a desired baby is longed for.
And to my Marco, I love it when you hold my finger while I feed you, I love it when you look into my eyes while I put you to sleep, I love how you like to sleep in my chest just to hear my heartbeat. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person, to make a better world for you, thank you for making me complete, thank you for choosing me to be your mom. It took me the whole afternoon to post this, because you keep calling me, but know that every time you call I will come to you no matter what. So thank you, thank you oh so much, for letting me celebrate Mother`s Day for the very first time.