Today I realized I should work on deciding to have one baby or more (oh if it only were as easy as playing one potato, two potatoes, three potatoes, four.)
It just so happens I recently visited my gynecologist, accompanying my mom on her routine checkup, and what seemed to be a regular morning of errands suddenly turned into an existential debate whether to possibly stay with one child or use my third vial left in attempt to get pregnant again. This turn of events happened because my doctor reminded me of the fact that I’m 37 years old and the sooner I have a baby, the better chance I have to get pregnant and having a healthy, complicated free pregnancy.
I’m not scared of the being a preggo again, I just loved being pregnant! Yes I got bloated, I was super tired all the time, I got really heavy so I had to do things really slowly and don’t get me started on how I suffered from acid reflux during the whole nine months. But all in all, having life inside me, knowing that I was everyday closer to meeting my little bundle of joy and that I finally was going to make my biggest dream come true (I wanted to be a mom ever since I can remember), made me the happiest preggo ever.
The money for the process of insemination is also not an issue. Giving birth in a good clinic and all the prenatal attention is covered by my health insurance. My doctor is the most wonderful and competent professional I could ask for. So if all of this doesn’t seem to be a problem, then what’s the deal?
Being a single mom is hard, very hard, probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done, the most rewarding yes, but still the hardest. Despite it being hard, I manage to give my one year old Marco a pretty happy life. I live with my mom, who gives me a hand. I can afford a nanny that takes care of him while I work, who is a loving, responsible and honest woman. My dad and his wife come and visit him at least twice a week. I was able to afford a good preschool, which he starts in August. So one might say I we have a super privileged life. But still I’m exhausted! Yes I know, most single moms have no help, but still let me admit I’m always tired, I feel I’m always working, taking care of Marco or attempting to sleep. Besides the feeling that a truck just ran over me, money scares me. After digging in to our savings when we had to fly all the way to the US in order to treat Marco´s severe plagiocephally (thank God it was something super simple to treat and we are all done with it now), just barely making it with my monthly expenses, asking my mom for help in order to pay the preschool tuition, basically all that goes into raising a child on my own, makes me doubt if I can afford a second child.
True, I have some extra ways of making money that until now I haven’t done. To me being able to spend the afternoons with Marco during his first year was a priority. Now that I can focus on getting a side business project started, I’m not so sure how much time I can dedicate to working full days if I have a second child. However, I’m awesome in multitasking so if I have to juggle around stuff in order to be a good mom, I know I’ll get by. A good friend told me that she doesn’t let money dictate her family; she is a believer that things will fall into place. That last part is how I have lived my life, but for some reason this being a single mom thing has gotten me really scared of not having enough money to be able to give two kids a good life. When I say two kids, I say it praying to God I don’t have twins! Yes I would love them to death but let’s face it, twins; triplets (just typing that word make anxious) are scary, beautiful but scary!
I know I can always meet a good man, that loves my Marco and that wants more children, but that is totally left to destiny. I’m currently no looking to date. I have too many things on my plate. I´m at a place that if I randomly meet a nice guy and it works out then lucky me, but if I don’t, I´m perfectly content with my life as a single mom. My friends say I should be more active in finding a guy because children, especially boys, grow up and sometimes maintain distance from their family, which at the same time is a reason I should try and have more kinds. To me, the fear of being alone is not a reason to have another child, so I can scratch that from my list of pros on baby number two. There is also the myth that single children are selfish and spoiled, meaning I should give Marco a sibling so he can learn to share and care for other people´s needs as well as his. I use the word myth, because as an educator I’m a firm believer that you can perfectly teach a child to be kind, have empathy for others and be well behaved even if he or she is an only child.
There is a place in my heart that would love to give Marco a sibling that he can have a deep bond with, however, despite the fact I love my brother, we have never shared a deep bond, and I actually have never missed having one. Even though my relationship with my brother was not that close, in my dreams I would love to see my little one play with his younger brother or sister, becoming the best of friends. So I question myself, if money were no issue and I had the help and support I need in order to take care of two children, would I still want another child or would I just want Marco to have a sibling?
That is a question I’m going to ask myself, and until I’m certain of the answer it will be one baby for now. I´ll also remind me that having my own super hero at home makes me the luckiest woman in the planet and know that everything will eventually fall into place.