If I Could Turn Back Time…

Forty sucks for me right now. I was looking forward to it; now I feel like a fool for having been excited. I am sad that I have not done all I wanted to at this point. I am trying not to focus on the negative, but right now I am not feeling very positive.

I joined Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) and now I am reading posts on the private online discussion Forum. I purposely signed up for this because I wanted to learn from women who are in similar situations to mine and who have been through the journey I am undertaking.

They have several awesome sub-forums you can participate in, including “Thinking/Planning”, “Community”, “Trying to Conceive”, “Pregnancy”,  and groups for women with children in different age groups. I guess I should have waited to read the Trying to Conceive forum, though, because I am hearing about women who have been through more procedures than I will ever be able to afford who haven’t yet had successful pregnancies. I am learning that this may be more complicated than I initially thought.

For years people have told me, “you have time”. What a lie! We don’t have time. Time, at some point, is no longer on our side when it comes to fertility. I am reading stories of single women who start trying to conceive in their early 30s. I should have started back then…I was just waiting for “the right man” and “the right time”. Gods, I want to go back and do this all again!

I had a major freak out/meltdown on Sunday night. I was a complete and utter mess. I SOBBED for a hour or more – venting about how terrible I felt. God/dess bless my friends and one of the women from SMC for helping me through it.

I know I am “pre-worrying” about something that I don’t even know will be a problem for me, but I am SCARED!!! I am scared that I “waited” too long. I am scared that I won’t get pregnant. I am scared I won’t be able to carry to term. I am scared of all possible complications. I am scared I will make the wrong choice of donors (I am SO going to have to order photos!). I am scared I won’t be able to afford additional procedures if I need them. I am scared that I will be single for the rest of my life.

I am trying to pull myself together and be proactive. Today I am calling to make an appointment with my primary care doctor to see about a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. I am going to call my insurance to find what benefits (if any) I have in terms of fertility treatments/procedures, and do more research on cryobanks. I have GOT to get over being scared!

Tracie, 40, Thinker

4 thoughts on “If I Could Turn Back Time…”

  1. Tracie, I’m sorry that you’re going through this tough time and experiencing such a range of worries. I know the SMC forum is a supportive place where you will find guidance and understanding. Fear and worry can be so paralysing. It’s fantastic that you are taking steps. Keep going. The only one of your worries that I can comment on is your concern about being single for the rest of your life. I am a SMC in my 30s and I share the same worry… but then I see many people, in a variety of circumstances, who meet someone later down the track. A SMC I know met someone when her child was four – this gave me a lot of hope that I will meet someone one day. Other SMCs I know are dating and some have no time and / or desire to date. It’s a cliche, but life is not black and white, and committing to the SMC path does not forever exclude you from finding a partner. Take care xx

  2. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The beginning of trying is scary and overwhelming. I finally got pregnant at 40 after nearly two years of trying. The first 7 IUIs, I didn’t know that I had polyps in my uterus that prevented implantation. I had them removed, then had a failed IVF and finally got pregnant on a medicated IUI. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. Assemble a team of people you trust and just move forward. I wish you a smooth journey and a happy ending.

  3. Thank you for your post. I really related to it and to your anguish that you didn’t start trying earlier. I definitely understand being scared, but it seems like reading the stories of others was maybe a catalyst for expressing your grief, self reflecting and taking action. Sending care and wishing good things for you.

  4. Oy. Some of my experience, if it helps: I have Aetna – not widely known for their comprehensive coverage – and a lot of my treatments/procedures were partially covered. Buying the samples from the cryobank will be a pretty big shell-out TBH, but was my largest single expense. As far as donors go, I first picked a cryobank to help narrow things down (cause good gods there are so many donors!!). I liked Seattle because most of their donors are willing to meet their offspring once they turn 18, if the offspring wishes. From there, yes, pictures were a factor… but the audio interviews were what gave me a really good idea of who I was selecting. I bounced things off my best friend, my mother.. we finally settled on someone I hadn’t expected to like, but whose outlook on the world I was happy for my child to have a part of. I am now 11 weeks pregnant with my first child. I can’t say I don’t share your fear of never meeting a partner, but so many people I know met the love of their life after they had kids, and many after 40. I can’t speak to the rest of your fears, especially not knowing your journey, but those were my experiences and I hope they bring some comfort.

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