Forty sucks for me right now. I was looking forward to it; now I feel like a fool for having been excited. I am sad that I have not done all I wanted to at this point. I am trying not to focus on the negative, but right now I am not feeling very positive.
I joined Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) and now I am reading posts on the private online discussion Forum. I purposely signed up for this because I wanted to learn from women who are in similar situations to mine and who have been through the journey I am undertaking.
They have several awesome sub-forums you can participate in, including “Thinking/Planning”, “Community”, “Trying to Conceive”, “Pregnancy”, and groups for women with children in different age groups. I guess I should have waited to read the Trying to Conceive forum, though, because I am hearing about women who have been through more procedures than I will ever be able to afford who haven’t yet had successful pregnancies. I am learning that this may be more complicated than I initially thought.
For years people have told me, “you have time”. What a lie! We don’t have time. Time, at some point, is no longer on our side when it comes to fertility. I am reading stories of single women who start trying to conceive in their early 30s. I should have started back then…I was just waiting for “the right man” and “the right time”. Gods, I want to go back and do this all again!
I had a major freak out/meltdown on Sunday night. I was a complete and utter mess. I SOBBED for a hour or more – venting about how terrible I felt. God/dess bless my friends and one of the women from SMC for helping me through it.
I know I am “pre-worrying” about something that I don’t even know will be a problem for me, but I am SCARED!!! I am scared that I “waited” too long. I am scared that I won’t get pregnant. I am scared I won’t be able to carry to term. I am scared of all possible complications. I am scared I will make the wrong choice of donors (I am SO going to have to order photos!). I am scared I won’t be able to afford additional procedures if I need them. I am scared that I will be single for the rest of my life.
I am trying to pull myself together and be proactive. Today I am calling to make an appointment with my primary care doctor to see about a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. I am going to call my insurance to find what benefits (if any) I have in terms of fertility treatments/procedures, and do more research on cryobanks. I have GOT to get over being scared!
Tracie, 40, Thinker