A Genetic Tie — Does It Matter?

I was lying in bed this morning in the pre-dawn light, gazing at my son and thinking like a million women have thought before me, “Wow. I made that!” And then I remember that technically I didn’t. I didn’t contribute eggs or womb to the final product. But the final product is so much more than a complex collection of cells. He did not inherit those curls from me, but it is because of my care they hang soft and shiny in ringlets. He did not get that golden skin from me, but it is so golden and plump because of the care I give to his diet. And that’s the physical.

If I were not his mother would he still be obsessed with elephants? Would he laugh so much that in time that will effect the musculature of his face and therefore even how he looks. I have said before on the SMC Forum that I have searched and searched inside me for the missing piece, the regret that we are not biologically related and I can’t find it. It is just not there.

And on a less lyrical note, what helped me is understanding that unless you are going to clone yourself, it is very random what selection of your DNA you might pass on. Beautiful people have ugly kids, and brilliant people dumb ones. So even if I were not offended by the thought that an adopted child is less likely to be smart, there are no guarantees anywhere. The only reason I tried to conceive is because I thought it would be quicker and cheaper, which it would have been, if it had worked. I thank god everyday that it didn’t.


2 thoughts on “A Genetic Tie — Does It Matter?”

  1. My daughter was conceived from my egg & “the special seed given to us by a very nice man” (aka I purchased vials from a cryo bank) and because I was unable to carry her a wonderful woman played the part of the “oven” The husband of this incredible gestational carrier told me “how ever motherhood comes to you it is a blessing” and that is something I’ve held especially close to my heart- especially when I have those moments of guilt about not having a father for her or not having experienced the wonders of carrying her in my womb. At the end of the day she is mine and I am hers and it doesn’t matter at all how that came to be.

    1. This is the very topic I have been grappling with for the last 7-8 months, which route will I choose to take to be a mum.
      I’m 35 and thought that I’d have the husband, cats, dogs, chickens, kids and the picket fence all sorted by now, life hasn’t worked out that way for me. I’ve never been shy about vocalising the fact that being a parent is the most important thing to me even if I had to go it alone. I remember saying it back in my 20’s but I’m not sure I really ever thought i would have to make these choices alone. Anyway fast forward through a broken realationahip, moving back to OZ and a few years of talking and researching about starting a family as a single person but with no real action and here I am ready and decisive about my path.

      My options in Australia are limited because im a single mum by choice, but I do have some options, all with significant financial implications just to get the idea of motherhood up and running.
      Doing IUI or IVF (I have fertility issues, discovered a few years ago when my partner and I tried to start a family) would be the fasted and cheapest option. Of course this is all dependent on how many cycles.
      Option two is adoption. I have always wanted to adopt and have known that I would have a child through this process one day but I wasn’t aware of how difficult the process would be in Australia especially as a single person.
      For the last 7 months I have attended information sessions read ever online article, watch every documentary, talked to as many people as possible and weighed up every possible situation (over thinker here).
      I had decided that biology wasn’t a factor in how much I could love a child as mine, so it came down to other factors. I really want to experience a pregnancy (selfish as that might be) but it’s also the process that has the least Unknown factors, quickest and cheapest and your journey from conception starts together.
      But I really want to adopt too. For a while I thought that because it was such a difficult and lengthy process especially as a single person I would leave it until I had been through the process of having a biological child of my own and then (who knows I might have met a man… Grrrrr my head for always going back to this default) then I could reassess my adoption options.
      This was the most logical decision, financially, emotionally and logistically. Yet for some reason I kept avoiding making the next step. One day It occurred to me why I have been so hesitant on taking the next step on having an IUI baby and it changed everything for me. I am now happily starting my process towards adoption.
      After much soul searching I realised that my children are out there in the world and I just need to put in the hard work to bring them home to me. It was a simple as that, I could not live a content life otherwise. I’m not shutting the book to all other life possibilities but right here and now I know this is how I’m meant to start my family.

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