Sitting in my office at work today, I realized that one year ago I was in the midst of trying to decide if I truly could make the leap to begin Trying To Conceive (TTC), as a single mother. This deliberation placed me face to face with all of my fears including:
- What if having this baby prevents me from meeting Mr. Right, down the road?
- What if this baby comes and instead of feeling bliss, I feel resentment that my childfree life is gone?
- What if this baby comes and we don’t gel personality wise?
- And the mega-of-all what-ifs… What if I completely lose my sense of self, as I’ve seen so many mothers do?
These and many other thoughts swirled around in my mind, as I struggled with the concept of facing this momentous life event… alone… Alone – what a hollow word; I was still wrestling with the fact that I was going to parent alone.
However, after many tears, prayers, and helpful dialogue with a supportive therapist, I came to the realization that alone does not have to equate with being lonely. I would be parenting alone but I could choose to not be isolated, in other words, single motherhood would not be a death sentence to being lonesome. This revelatory discovery brought me great peace and provided the answer to what-if #1. But, that still left what-ifs 2, 3, and 4!
To be quite frank, I don’t yet have an answer for what-if #2 or 3. I guess only time will tell how I feel post-baby. I’ve read enough to know that I will likely experience a full range of emotions from shock to maybe even sheer terror. Yet, I’m hopeful that my baby will come and be a wonderful complement to the life I’ve built. And as I reflect on this life I’ve created thus far, I realize that therein is the answer to #4.
I am the one who establishes my sense of self. I am the one who sets boundaries for what I need. I am. Those two simple words remind me that I will always have me, no matter where life takes me or who enters it.
In hindsight, I realize that this past year has been a preparatory one for me. In the midst of being alone, I discovered the greatest gift I could ever receive… ME… and with this intact sense of self, I feel ready to share with another. I guess I’m finally ready to meet my baby.