Is This Really Happening? – Letting It In

I would love to say that I cried with joy, jumped up and down like crazy and have been elated ever since I found out that I’m pregnant, overcome with excitement and relief. Just reveling in it all. Safely living in a bubble of bliss. I truly wish that has been my experience.

To be completely honest, it took me about a week to believe it, to let the news settle in and comprehend that I am actually pregnant. That it worked this time. It’s happening. I was indeed thrilled at first. You bet I was! And 10 minutes later it was as if it wasn’t real. That it wasn’t happening at all. Like being pregnant was just something my mom and I were talking about. Not really real.

Who could blame me- I had 9 failed IUIs and 1 unsuccessful round of IVF. And a surgery. It’s been rough. But now, after over 2 and a half years into it, I am actually and finally pregnant. Now I get to rejoice.

I am pregnant

I am with child

I am expecting

I have fallen pregnant

I am up the duff


Me! I am! I really am.

I think that for so long I put up incredible defenses to not feel so hurt and crushed, compartmentalizing everything related to pregnancy, that when it actually happened, I didn’t know how to react. Through it all, I never let myself get to the joy part, just in case. I always had hope, but the thinking ahead to what happens when I actually got pregnant was not allowed. I always shut it down. It makes it hurt less when it doesn’t happen.

I gave myself enough allowance to visualize a baby and being a mommy, but only very little. Those things weren’t for me, weren’t allowed. They were too much to take when it didn’t work. Baby books, baby sections of stores, ideas of planning, daydreaming, none of it was for me. Off limits. And now it is all mine!!!! It’s my turn. …but it has been taking me some time to let myself embrace it.

It’s scary to write and announce that I am pregnant when I am scared I might not be anymore. What if something isn’t right. I have been hoping that I am still pregnant. A second blood test a few days after the first, confirmed it, whew. And then an ultrasound, my very first one with a teeny baby in there, a week later confirmed it again. So far so great. I am six weeks pregnant! HOLY SHIT!

Of course I am worried, as I am sure all or most women are when they are this early in their pregnancies. But it is now very real to me and I am letting myself get excited and be happy. It feels really nice. And things like seeing my mom’s face, thrilled at the thought of being a grandmother again and getting little surprises from a friend like a pair of gray chucks and a children’s book, make me giddy as hell. They help me picture the future. It’s physical, tangible, and I stare at these insanely cute gifts and smile til my face hurts. 🙂


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