I wanted to share my reasons for deciding not to become a single mother by choice, and give a voice to the women who have seriously considered it, and decided to not move forward with their SMC journey.
I’ve been a member of SMC for a year now, and this was the most difficult year of my life because of the mental torture I went through trying to decide if SMC was the right path for me. My journey even included a failed IVF (total fertilization failure) and an attempted second IVF (stopped after first day of injections after a complete freak out, thinking WTF am I doing?).
I think what was motivating my decision to become a SMC was my fear of regretting it one day, and my fear of growing old alone and not having anyone to take care of me. Of course, I also wanted to experience having a cuddly baby! Who doesn’t, right?
However, with time and endless sessions of introspection, I slowly came to accept that this is not the right journey for me. I decided to share my thought process and the reasons why I will not move forward with this. This is a brutally honest list:
1) I am over 40 now, and I am not prepared to deal with the disappointments of TTC. Had I wanted this bad enough, maybe I would have been prepared to go through all that. I got a taste of a failed IVF, and I am not prepared to go through that (alone) again (not to mention the risk of miscarriage, pregnancy and labor complications).
2) I am not fond of kids. Babies are cute, but they grow out of it and become annoying. Not to everyone, but to me.
3) Parenting is incredibly difficult. I don’t want to put up with it alone (temper tantrums, school problems, behavioral issues, personality conflicts, making decisions, being both a mom and a dad..). My age may have something to do with this. I don’t feel that I have the energy and the patience to deal with it alone. I know that it’s very rewarding to be a parent and the love is immeasurable, but the hard work scares me. Had I been in a relationship, I would have been more open to the idea.
4) Daddy questions. As much as I tried to convince myself that I would be able to manage this question, I realized that bringing a child into this world knowing that they would not have a father bothers me more than I thought it would.
5) A family of two, with no siblings. The idea of having a child without a dad and without siblings saddens me.
6) I came to realize, through several real-life examples, that having a child does not necessarily mean having someone to take care of you one day. This is not a healthy way of looking at life, and this mindset could cause serious codependency issues over the years. Besides, I know several seniors in nursing home whose kids never visit them.
7) I want my freedom. I love to travel, I love being spontaneous, I love having no responsibilities after work.
Will I regret one day that I did not do this? Maybe, maybe not.
This does not mean that I am ruling out motherhood. If I meet Mr. Right tomorrow and get pregnant in 3 months, I’d be happy. I’m just not pursuing SMC.
For those of you who did pursue SMC, that was the RIGHT path for YOU. There really is no right or wrong answer here, it’s a very personal choice and there are many variables. This is the decision that feels right to me.
(See last week’s blog post for a different decision.)
appreciating your bold, clear truth. so glad you landed on what’s right for you… and gave it voice for others to read!
I think it is brave of you to be so transparent. It will help other women. I went through that arduous “dark night of the soul” myself 13 years ago. I chose to go ahead. It has been joyful but also tremendously difficult emotionally. Very isolating. But for me it was worth it; my daughter is happy. I worry constantly that I wont’ be around to take care of her forever. I worry that she has no siblings. I became pregnant with a known donor, so she knows who her father and has context. She sees him once a year. She has lots of aunts, uncles and cousins but yes, I went through all of the things you talk about and I think it’s very valuable to see it laid out in black and white upon the screen.
I remember chatting to my OBGYN years after I’d taken the leap; I told her, please tell your ladies who are “thinkers”, be kind to yourself, just because you have a uterus doesn’t mean you have to use it. It doesn’t mean you are less of a “woman” for not using it. As someone who has taken the journey, being a mother is not about carrying a child. My pregnancy has been the least significant part of my journey as a parent. For me, it’s the part that comes afterward that matters more. You can be a mother through adoption, blended family, fostering….Thank you for being honest. Good luck on your journey, wherever it takes you 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing that. It really helps to hear the other side.
Thank you – glad it was helpful!