Decision: I am NOT Doing This.

I wanted to share my reasons for deciding not to become a single mother by choice, and give a voice to the women who have  seriously considered it, and decided to not move forward with their SMC  journey.

I’ve been a member of SMC for a year now, and this was the most difficult year of my life because of the mental torture I went through trying to decide if SMC was the right path for me. My journey even included a failed IVF (total fertilization failure) and an attempted second IVF (stopped after first day of injections after a complete freak out, thinking WTF am I doing?).

I think what was motivating my decision to become a SMC was my fear of regretting it one day, and my fear of growing old alone and not having anyone to take care of me. Of course, I also wanted to experience having a cuddly baby! Who doesn’t, right?

However, with time and endless sessions of introspection, I slowly came to accept that this is not the right journey for me. I decided to share my thought process and the reasons why I will not move forward with this. This is a brutally honest list:

1) I am over 40 now, and I am not prepared to deal with the disappointments of TTC. Had I wanted this bad enough, maybe I would have been prepared to go through all that. I got a taste of a failed IVF, and I am not prepared to go through that (alone) again (not to mention the risk of miscarriage, pregnancy and labor  complications).

2) I am not fond of kids. Babies are cute, but they grow out of it and become annoying. Not to everyone, but to me.

3) Parenting is incredibly difficult. I don’t want to put up with it alone (temper tantrums, school problems, behavioral issues, personality conflicts, making decisions, being both a mom and a dad..). My age may have something to do with this. I don’t feel that I have the energy and the patience to deal with it alone. I know that it’s very rewarding to be a parent and the love is immeasurable, but the hard work scares me. Had I been in a relationship, I would have been more open to the idea.

4) Daddy questions. As much as I tried to convince myself that I would be able to manage this question, I realized that bringing a child into this world knowing that they would not have a father bothers me more than I thought it would.

5) A family of two, with no siblings. The idea of having a child without a dad and without siblings saddens me.

6) I came to realize, through several real-life examples, that having a child does not necessarily mean having someone to take care of you one day. This is not a healthy way of looking at life, and this mindset could cause serious codependency issues over the years. Besides, I know several seniors in nursing home whose kids never visit them.

7) I want my freedom. I love to travel, I love being spontaneous, I love having no responsibilities after work.

Will I regret one day that I did not do this? Maybe, maybe not.

This does not mean that I am ruling out motherhood. If I meet Mr. Right tomorrow and get pregnant in 3 months, I’d be happy. I’m just not pursuing SMC.

For those of you who did pursue SMC, that was the RIGHT path for YOU. There really is no right or wrong answer here, it’s a very personal choice and there are many variables. This is the decision that feels right to me.

(See last week’s blog post for a different decision.)

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“After I joined SMC, I learned so much! One of the best things was not feeling alone. So many had gone before me, and if they could do it, then so could I! My local group was a great source of support and becoming an SMC was the best decision I've ever made.”

– Joyce Gabbert