I’m putting this out there: why not consider that me becoming a mom IS going to happen, rather than always thinking it ISN’T going to happen?
They say that if you think positively, this attracts positivity. I’ve always felt this is nonsense. I have always believed that if I think positively, then that is exactly the way for something bad to happen. You know how Wile E. Coyote is always running around trying to do things, and the Road Runner always seems to drop an anvil on his head? That’s how I view myself in the world– that an anvil is always about to drop and crush me.
Now that I say it out loud, it seems kind of sad.
Also, let’s analyze this critically. Wile E. Coyote always has dastardly intentions: to kill the Road Runner. So really, it makes sense in the Looney Tunes world that his evil would be foiled by a smart-aleck bird. Our sense of right and wrong remains as it should, and the bad guy gets splattered.
On the other hand, Bugs Bunny– who is my hero– never seems to doubt himself. And he always comes out on top, even when he screws up and makes that pesky right turn at Albequerque.
So f— it. I think it’s time to be Bugs, THE KING, and not Wile E. Coyote. Besides, I’m not the bad guy here. I just want to have a kid– which is something people the world over want. Lots of single women in their 40s have done the same thing. So why can’t I let myself off the hook?
Yesterday I got an email from the adoption agency asking if I wanted my profile to be shown for a situation, and I said yes. This has happened a few times before, but this time thought, “this is it. This is the one. This is my kid.” There’s no reason for this. But it felt good to think positively.
As an experiment, I’m going to keep hoping instead of telling myself it isn’t going to happen. Hey, even if she doesn’t pick me, won’t it be nice to feel expectant over the weekend? That I could be the one she picks? I don’t think I’ll be crushed if she doesn’t. Will I? I guess that will just be part of my grand experiment in positive thinking.
Let’s all just say, “f— the anvil.” All together now…
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