Here is what I’ve learned in the first six months of mothering:
1. There are a million toys out there to buy babies, but your kid will probably just want to play with the box it came in. Or with the toy you fished out of the garbage.
2. Your baby will like the dumbest book on the shelf, and you will be forced to read it every night. Do not even try to get her to like classics such as “Eloise” or “Amos and Boris.” She just wants the stupid one about finding her bellybutton.
3. She will always pee on the changing table if you roll the dice and leave her undiapered for 15 seconds.
4. Babysitters who have been doing this for a long time know way more than you do about raising your kid. They are pros. Pick their brains and hope they don’t charge you extra.
5. You will buy your baby a really cute Christmas dress and take her to the family Christmas Eve party in it. Then she will throw a giant tantrum and refuse to do anything but cry so you have to take her home before you get a photo of her with Santa.
6. When you start feeding your baby solid foods, she will have the runs like nobody’s business. Then there will be a bad diaper rash that you will buy ten creams for. These creams will not work. The rash will only be cured when you remove her diaper and let her go ass-to-the-wind for several shit-encrusted days.