Frequently Asked Questions

I’m not a Single Mother by Choice and am not yet sure if I want to be one — but I’m thinking about it. Should I join now or wait?
How do I contact a Single Mothers by Choice chapter or members near me?
Who are the members of Single Mothers by Choice ?
Are divorced mothers eligible to become members of Single Mothers by Choice?
I am not sure if I can become comfortable with donor insemination or adoption. Can you help me with this?
Is it possible for a single woman to adopt a baby?
What will I say when my child asks about “daddy” if I conceive by anonymous donor insemination?
Do Single Mothers by Choice ever find a husband or partner after having a child?

I’m not a Single Mother by Choice and am not yet sure if I want to be one — but I’m thinking about it. Should I join now or wait?

Being a member of Single Mothers by Choice is very helpful if you are thinking about whether or not to become a single mother. This is such a big decision — and one that is often not easy to discuss with family or friends. Our members often tell us that they wish they had joined Single Mothers by Choice early on, while they were thinking about whether or not to become an SMC.

Our members will be glad to share their experiences and lend their support to you while you are deciding whether or not being an SMC will be a good choice for you. We even have a section of our online Forum for the question, “Should I Become An SMC?” And yes, anonymity is possible if you want privacy while making this decision.

How do I contact a Single Mothers by Choice chapter or members near me?

We are very protective of our members’ privacy, and so we only give the names of our members to other members. To contact local chapters and members of Single Mothers by Choice in your area, you need to first become a member of the SMC organization, and you will then be given access to local contact information. You can join online. If you have any questions, just send us an email at office@singlemothersbychoice.org.

Who are the members of Single Mothers by Choice?

A Single Mother by Choice is a single woman who decides to become a mother knowing, at least at the outset, that she will be the sole parent of her child.

We are a diverse group of women, including teachers, lawyers, doctors, bankers, nurses, business owners, and more. We are of all races, religions, ethnic groups, and lifestyles, are from all over the United States and abroad. The main thing that we have in common is our belief that a woman can successfully raise a child on her own.

The average age of our members is 35, and nearly all have completed college or more. Almost half of our members are “thinkers” (as we call those who have not yet decided whether or not they want to become single mothers), and the rest are in the process of trying to conceive or adopt, or are mothers of children whose ages range from infancy through adulthood.

About 70 percent of our mothers conceived a child by donor insemination, and approximately 10 percent have adopted.  Around 20 percent have become pregnant with either a “known donor” or sex partner, although they are raising their child alone, at least at the outset.

Are divorced mothers eligible to become members of Single Mothers by Choice?

Many of our members are women who became single mothers AFTER their divorce. Since we define a Single Mother by Choice as a single woman who CHOSE to be the sole parent of their child (at least at the outset), if you are divorced and have had or adopted a child after the divorce, or are considering having an additional child as a single mother, you would be welcome to join SMC.  (There are many other groups for divorced or co-parenting moms that can offer better support than we can on typical divorce issues, such as child support and visitation, as we are don’t have experience with these kinds of issues.)

I am not sure if I can become comfortable with donor insemination or adoption. Can you help me with this?

The decision to become a Single Mother by Choice is one with lifelong consequences and which should be given a great deal of thought. When a woman is in her early thirties, often her most pressing concerns are how long she should wait to find “Mr. Right” and how and when she should give up on the dream of conceiving a child within a loving relationship. Should she become a Single Mother by Choice— or risk possibly never having a child?

It is indeed a leap of faith to move from the dream of having a child within a loving relationship to becoming a Single Mother by Choice, whether you conceive or adopt, but it is a leap that an increasing number of women are making every year.

Some of us had no difficulty with the idea of using medical technology to conceive a much-wanted child, while others of us needed time and conversation with other SMC members in order to become comfortable with the idea.

The thinking process, and issues such as donor insemination, are topics that engender lively discussions on our private online 24/7 discussion Forum, as well as at local SMC meetings. We talk about the various sperm banks, the technology, the terminology, when/if to move from conception to adoption, and much more.

Is it possible for a single woman to adopt a baby?

The simple answer is yes. About 10 percent of our members have adopted a baby either domestically or from abroad. We have lively discussions about all aspects of adoption on our online Forum and at local Single Mothers by Choice meetings.

The adoption world is a very complex one, but it can be navigated, particularly if you have others to guide you. It’s not necessary to reinvent the wheel — many of our members have been there, done that, and are willing to help you sort through it and help you to reach your goal of adopting a child.

What will I say when my child asks about “daddy” if I conceive by donor insemination?

We all want our children to be happy and well-adjusted, and one of our primary concerns has always been how the children will feel about being conceived in this nontraditional way. Discussions and anecdotes about this topic abound on our private online Forum, and at our local meetings, along with other more universal parenting questions. Our members share how they address this topic with their children and give one another greatly needed support.

Interestingly, now that the children of our original members are adults, we are seeing that the children seem to be much more comfortable with having grown up in nontraditional families than most of us would have expected. Research is showing that a good relationship with a loving parent, and the lack of parental conflict in the family, is a benefit to our children.

We have also seen that the more comfortable we are about not having a “daddy” in the family, the easier it seems to be for the child and the better the child’s adjustment is. If you’re uncomfortable about it, often attending a local meeting, talking with others who have done this, and/or counseling can be very helpful.

Do Single Mothers by Choice ever find a husband or partner after having a child?

Yes, some of us do get married after having one, or even two children. In fact most of our members find that dating and relationships become more relaxed once they have a child. It’s no longer necessary to rush things, the pressure to be a mother is off, we are less lonely, and a relationship can be looked at more objectively.

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