I was fifteen. From the window of the doctor’s office, I could see the shapes of buildings on Manhattan’s east side, beyond which lay the East River and a sky that, I remember, was bright with sunshine. It was so long ago, twenty-three years, but I remember the day as a sunny one, autumn and brisk. My endocrinologist was a tiny woman with a rich Scottish brogue, and I had enjoyed, during our many visits, learning about the inner workings of my endocrine system, the complex interplay of hormones and their various failings which had led me to her office. On this day–after weeks of tests involving two sonograms, an ACTH test, endless vials of blood–I would receive my diagnosis: polycystic ovary syndrome. She explained the factors involved, that it was the likely cause of the visible symptoms I’d been experiencing since I hit puberty, that there are various effects… Continue reading
When I turned thirty-five the last thing on my mind was becoming a mother. I had spent my late teens, twenties, and early thirties so wrapped up in myself; the thought of having the responsibility of a child was submerged somewhere between marriage and home ownership. I was content being a perennial student, keeping a day job, and sabotaging potentially long-term relationships. Then, some time in my thirty-fifth year, an unprecedented urge pierced my thoughts, rattling my body like an alarm clock, only this was purely biological.
I thought there must be other women like me. There were. Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) was founded in 1981.
I pulled the top down to my Jeep Wrangler, wearing my skinny jeans, and drove to my first SMC meeting. I walked into a room of tired-looking moms whose kids were all around the same age. They undoubtedly drove safe cars with secure… Continue reading
I want to share my vision of the world with my child or children; that life is expansive, not restrictive. that life is joyful and involves down time and bad times, but is exhilarating more often than it is draining or exhausting. I have lived in several countries, and cultures, and I want to pass on the knowledge that the world is a large place, and that there is a place and purpose for everyone, even several of each for you in one lifetime. I want to open their hearts to really believing in and pursuing their dreams.
I want to integrate them into my very large, loving family–they have numerous cousins waiting for them!
I want to teach them my native language, and pass on our rich Indian heritage to them. I want them to meet their great-grandmother, one of the greatest ladies I know. I want them to… Continue reading
Happy Easter from Single Mothers by Choice!… Continue reading
Happy Passover from Single Mothers by Choice!
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Mine. All mine.
Now that Elliot and I are out and about town, we often meet strangers who like to have a look inside the bassinet and see who’s in there. I like to watch them smile when they meet him. He makes me smile and so when he makes randoms smile too, I think how happy the world would be if I could bottle his smile and give it away. Pretty sappy, I know. Also, I can’t wait for the days when he is big enough to have on my hip. I have always had a nice image of that in my mind. Though he weighs a ton, he’s just too little for that. If he’s out of the stroller, he is up against my shoulder, where he likes to snuggle in, look at the world and be adorable. Thankfully nobody has tried to touch him, I would bite… Continue reading
I was a divorced 44 year old woman, busy, happy, fulfilled. Had my own business, loved the freedom, I used to say it was no coincidence that I didn’t have a boss or a husband, or that I drove a stick shift car — I liked to be in control! I was in an on-again-off-again relationship with a great guy who (ironically) I thought was too busy with his sons from a previous marriage to devote enough time to ME (!), and we were in an “off” period. I got on Match.com, and met and briefly dated another guy, it was honestly just a 6 week fling, he was not someone I was interested in long-term, he was really just to get my mind off the OTHER guy! As I said, I was 44, I knew the facts of life. But given my age, and the fact that many friends… Continue reading
I wonder, do they know I love them, even when I am screaming at them from the top of my lungs? These little beings that know Mommy’s every button (except her secret ticklish spot which I will die before revealing*).
It’s so much worse when I am sick, and my defenses are down. They seem to know, and act doubly bad. It’s as if, “We just want to really, really want to make sure you still love us, Mommy. Do you love us always and forever Mommy? Even when we insist on cosleeping and then run over the top of your face at 2 a.m.? Or yank hard on a clump of your hair at midnight? Even when we find cherished mementos of your teen years and systematically destroy them? Even when we take the new loaf of bread, one of three foods you are allowed to eat while sick… Continue reading
Besides making the little people running around my house safe from monsters nightly, there have been some definite changes in my life since I became a Mom. So many aspects of my life today would be unrecognizable to my former self. Here are some big ones:
My workouts. Before kids, I went to the gym at least four, usually five or six times a week. I had memberships in three different gyms, for the different convenient locations and variety. I kept an “emergency” gym bag ready to go in my trunk in case I had an unexpected chunk of time and could fit in an extra workout. I had such “emergencies” frequently.
Post kids, I try to take a walk if I get a chance at lunch at work. I have a gym membership and I went last month. Once. Or was it the month before? There is a new… Continue reading
I worked from home yesterday, which I do strategically to cloak my suspicious number of appointments. At 9:45 am, while peeing on mute during a conference call, I suddenly remembered that I hadn’t called the sperm thaw hotline before 8:30am as instructed. Dropped off the conference call, called the sperm thaw hotline begging them to call me back with confirmation, called Olga hoping she’d put in a good word with the lab. Slight panic. Can you imagine how ridiculous it would be to miss a cycle because of forgetting this easy step? But, now that I’ve missed the deadline twice, I see that it’s ultimately negotiable and probably more of a guideline. A nice lady in the lab called me back within 5 minutes and called me “dear”. Olga also called back and said, “You’re all good!”
Phew. Sigh. Gratitude. Thank you.
Half an hour before… Continue reading