Serial Monogamy – A Memoir

One day in 1990, the title of a workshop caught my attention: Last Call for Motherhood:  Are you a woman over 35 that has always thought motherhood would be part of your life, but it has yet to come to pass? Are you willing to contemplate becoming a “single mother by choice” despite the potential disapproval of family and friends? If you would like to devote some time and emotional effort into answering these questions for yourself, join us on Saturday, May 15,1990 for a workshop. Bring a notebook and a willingness to share your deepest thoughts.

I immediately signed up. It was just what I needed to help me figure out if, in fact, single motherhood was the right path for me.

In a small room I sat with five other anxious women as we silently awaited the arrival of the instructor. There was an aura of shame … Continue reading

A Letter to J’s Teacher

In a few weeks, J starts “big kid school” and this is the letter I will be giving to her new teacher:

Hi Miss C — I am excited for J to be in your class this year; she’s excited for school to start.

I would like to explain a little bit about our family. We are a mom-and-kid family – I am an SMC –  a single mother by choice. There is no father involved in J’s life, nor has there ever been; there was no divorce, separation or death. Of course, J has an extended family, a Nana and many “aunties” and “uncles” (but no father and no brothers or sisters).

J’s understanding of our family structure is evolving. One of her favorite books is “The Family Book,” which explains that families come in all sizes and configurations.  We also read an age-appropriate story about her unconventional conception.  … Continue reading

Letter To My Embaby – Transfer Day

My little embaby.

It’s finally here, the day I meet you and welcome you to your hopeful home for the next 9 months. I want you to know how precious you already are to me, how much I have longed for you in my life. You will be my first child, my first everything, really. I hope you will stay in the cozy nook I have made for you. And that you will let me provide you with a safe and comfortable place to grow.

And if you choose to stay in your home until next Christmas, I will teach you how to navigate this crazy world with grace. You will have a mother who would go to the ends of the earth for you. A family that will be by your side to protect and support you. Your family might look different than others because you will get bonus … Continue reading

Single Mom by Choice Statistics

You may be surprised to learn just how many Single Moms by Choice are out there. When I started the process, I thought I was one of few. I had a hard time finding stories about SMCs that share their real life experiences. But as I have dived into my research and connected with many other SMCs, I’ve learned that it is becoming a popular path to motherhood for single woman.

We are fortunate that today, a family can look different than the traditional mom, dad, and child make-up. Different family forms are emerging, and the number of single mothers by choice is increasing.

I’ve done some research to learn more about what is happening with Single Moms by Choice in recent years. Cryos’ Sperm and Egg Bank has released these statistics of 300 of Single Moms by Choice.

1. MORE THAN HALF OF THEIR CUSTOMERS ARE SINGLE MOTHERS BY

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First Steps

Recently I’ve made the first move into becoming an SMC. I paid a visit to my doctor-it was as simple as that.  Technically there were many unofficial first steps before that, such as the research, the saving, and of course,  joining the SMC organization.  But this, however, is the first concrete action that I could mark on the calendar as the first day, a tangible act that will propel me closer to my goal.

Such a small act to accomplish, yet it took me forever to muster the courage.  Reaching out to my doctor was the first time I had ever vocalized wanting to be a mother to another person. Everyone who knows me has known me by my no-child-having stance that has stood firm for the last 20 or so years. I haven’t really updated anyone on this yet; for now I like keeping the secret to myself, it … Continue reading

My Only Regret is That I Waited So Long

I’ve always wanted to have children, always wanted to mother. I’ve been an au pair to other families, spent time with all of the kids of friends and family. I hoped and assumed, of course, that I would have a family of my own when the time came.

I suppose that’s the tricky part – that time thing. Like many, I’ve been in a series of long relationships that have not withstood the tests of time. A long medical training that I started when I was twenty-eight ended ten years later. And there I was, at thirty-eight, for the first time seriously thinking of having a child on my own.

So many questions came to mind – how could I do it? How could I make it work in time and money and love? And most importantly, would it be, could it be fair to bring in child into the Continue reading

Happy July 4th!

 

Have a good July 4th! Our blog will return next week.

Questions about deciding to become an SMC, trying to conceive, or single parenting?  Join SMC and get great support and wisdom from our members.

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The Cost of Solo Motherhood – Year One

HOW MUCH DOES A BABY REALLY COST IN THE FIRST YEAR? WHAT I AM PLANNING TO SPEND.

BABY EXPENSES FOR MONTH 0 – $2,500

Before your baby is even born, you will need to buy a lot. We’re talking bassinets, clothes, stroller, etc. The cost of what you choose to spend here can vary drastically. Luckily, if you are an SMBC who is having a baby later in life like me, you’ll have friends who are happy to loan you the old baby necessities that they no longer use. Plus, if you have a baby shower you are sure to get a lot of the gear you need. Costs can span a wide range, I’m trying to budget about $2,500 of my own money to get me set up in a functional way for solo motherhood.

MONTH 1 – THE NEWBORN PHASE – AROUND $300

The birth of my baby … Continue reading

Why I’m Not (Too) Afraid of Father’s Day

As we approach Father’s Day this year, it occurred to me that no one, aside from the social worker whose job it is to broach such tough questions, has asked me about the “daddy issue.” As a single woman hoping to conceive a child with a donor, there will be no father in our family (unless I’m lucky enough to find a husband later in life). I know, despite everyone’s support, at least a few people must have wondered how I feel about raising a child without a dad. The truth? Scared. But also steadfast.

I was raised in a family with two loving parents, a mom and a dad. So were nearly all of my friends. I didn’t even have a friend with divorced parents until high school. So the idea of raising a child in any form of non-traditional family is frightening, but that’s because it’s unknown, not … Continue reading

A Letter to My Donor

Thank You noteDear Donor,

We’ve never met.  In fact, you have no idea of my specific existence, but I think about you a lot.  Sometimes on the subway I’ll see a youngish brown-haired man and wonder if we’re connected.  When an older gentleman or woman passes by, I think about your folks —what they’re like and if they have grandkids.  Other grandkids, that is.

See, I have a son, Isaiah, who’s two and a half, and you, my anonymous sperm donor, made him possible.  For that I thank you with all the gratitude I can summon now and forever.  That sounds like a corny love song lyric, I realize, but the sentiment is true.  I’m so deeply appreciative that something—a little extra cash? some desire to change the life of someone you’ve never met? an inexplicable nudge from the universe?—motivated you to head to a sperm bank some years ago.  With this … Continue reading

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