I have been asked this a handful of times. The immediate things that come to mind are the little flutters, especially when I first started feeling them. Like a little bird’s wing inside me. They gave me pure joy. He’s really in there. But more-so I think my true favorite thing about being pregnant has been the feeling of hope. The unknown, which surprisingly for someone like me who needs to feel in control, isn’t scary at all to me – it’s the kind of unknown that is like a spark, an excitement, an anticipation of getting to know him. My baby. Meeting him, seeing who he is and how our world will be.
I have all the hope in the world. That’s the thing about me – this shameless, undeterred, sometimes naive optimism that has carried me through the last 40 years and unchanged by disappointments and devastations, heartbreaks … Continue reading
“When I grow up I want to have a baby on my own by anonymous sperm donor” was not what I was thinking as a little girl. Like most girls my age I dreamt of meeting someone, falling in love and having a family. But that’s not how my life unfolded, so I decided to have a baby on my own. Once I made the decision it was easy, I was lucky enough to conceive on the first try. What was hard was everything it brought up emotionally and what it would take to feel proud of, and happy about, my life.
The first 5 years of my daughter Lulu’s life were filled with happiness, I loved being a mom and I was getting a lot of attention for having made the choice to do it on my own. My friends were telling me how amazing and brave I was. … Continue reading
I have now done everything I can to avoid thinking about the possibility that I could be pregnant this time. It’s amazing how the mind works, the barriers, coping mechanisms, whatever you want to call them, how your mind can shut off and block out something that is exciting and hopeful that could potentially be devastating. I wondered why I am thinking about my career 4x as much as I usually do and for no reason aside from the fact that it is safer to think about than thinking about not being pregnant. It’s so weird, I think about if my little egg met the best sperm ever and if it’s happening, if cells are multiplying like crazy down there inside me. It makes me happy to think about….for like 12 seconds and then my mind wanders right on over to my viability in my profession, if I should welcome … Continue reading
What is it about my donor that made me pick him? How on earth do you choose a sperm donor?
The weight of this decision can feel very heavy and daunting and overwhelming and and and…. But just know, if you take the time and feel great about the choice you made, whichever donor you choose, it will be the right decision. This is not to say that you should write a handful of donor numbers on little pieces of paper and pick one out of a hat. I mean, you could, but that’s leaving a lot up to the universe, which is a-ok if that’s what you want to do. But I think as you weigh the different factors of what makes each donor who they are as people, a lot of the contenders fall away immediately, while others start to really shine. And once you’ve made the choice, … Continue reading
A few months ago I decided to follow my biggest and scariest dream yet; I decided to follow my dream of being a mother, in my case a single mother.
When I first decided to go for it, I said to myself that I need time to process all the events of the past year that might have clouded my judgement. I had just ended an almost year and a half toxic relationship with a man that I loved at first, but by the end I had fallen out of love with. For some time in this past relationship, I was still willing to be with someone who I knew did not love me, who I did not love, who didn’t make me happy or appreciate me, and most importantly who had a lot of issues that made me acknowledge the fact that he could never be the father I … Continue reading
Happy New Year!
The SMC blog is on vacation, and will return next week. Thanks to all of our SMC members who contributed their posts to this blog, and to our readers for your interest and comments. We’ll see you next week!
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My little one is now 4 months old and the light of my life. He has been such an easy baby. Other than when he was born, I didn’t hear him cry until he was about 5 weeks old (because he was hungry in his car seat. Easy fix.) He has been a good sleeper from the get go. I have never been sleep deprived. I had terrible insomnia during the TTC process and whilst pregnant. The second he was born I felt a weight lift off of me. The stress dissolved and I could finally relax as it was all over. Maybe he picked up on this because he is a chilled out little guy.
I had no idea that infants have a personality. I had always said that I’d be happy to be handed a six month old and go from there… How wrong I was! This kid … Continue reading
Two weeks and 2 days until my official due date! I can’t believe it. In many ways it’s gone so slowly… counting the weeks one by one. But in many ways, it’s gone so fast — a year ago I hadn’t even started trying to get pregnant yet! My life has turned upside down in the past year, and I know this past year is nothing compared to what I’m about to face
Am I feeling nervous? Yes, but it’s mostly focused on handling having a child on my own going forward, as opposed to childbirth or handling a newborn baby. Yes, I’m a bit apprehensive about childbirth itself, only because it’s not even close to anything I’ve ever experienced before. Sure, I haven’t experienced everything in life, but many things are gradual (i.e. aging), or I’ve had similar experiences (I haven’t been to Africa, but I have traveled a … Continue reading
I wanted to share my reasons for deciding not to become a single mother by choice, and give a voice to the women who have seriously considered it, and decided to not move forward with their SMC journey.
I’ve been a member of SMC for a year now, and this was the most difficult year of my life because of the mental torture I went through trying to decide if SMC was the right path for me. My journey even included a failed IVF (total fertilization failure) and an attempted second IVF (stopped after first day of injections after a complete freak out, thinking WTF am I doing?).
I think what was motivating my decision to become a SMC was my fear of regretting it one day, and my fear of growing old alone and not having anyone to take care of me. Of course, I also wanted to experience … Continue reading
This feels weird. I don’t know you yet, I’m not even pregnant, but I want to meet you so badly.
In early September of 2019, a thought that I’d been having for years came bubbling right up and refused to be ignored any longer. That thought was whether to have a baby, even if I wasn’t married yet. It’s now a few months later and I’m sitting in my car as I write this. It’s raining. My answer is, yes, absolutely, unequivocally, yes. I’m 37, closer to 38. I can fall in love with a man anytime, but my window of opportunity to fall in love with you is rapidly closing.
This hasn’t been an easy decision. I’ve weighed some heavy things over the last several months. I love my own Dad so much; it pains me that I might not be able to give you one. I’m not sure … Continue reading