Honesty Over Ease: Why I Won’t Avoid the Daddy Question

As a single mother by choice I expected the “Who’s the daddy?” question to come up. I’ve actually been surprised at the restraint people have shown when I’ve told them I’m expecting while not wearing a ring and still going by Miss. Sure, in some ways it’s none of people’s business, but as someone who is at times overly inquisitive herself, I understand it’s also natural to wonder.

Since I’ve been so open throughout my journey to single motherhood, I didn’t mind the not-so-subtle fishing of some acquaintances. (Saying, “Oh, you and your husband must be so happy!” or “Are you Miss or Mrs.?” when these topics have never previously come up, is not exactly subtle, but I appreciate the attempt at politeness.) And while some single mothers by choice are sensitive to it, I’d never be upset or angry with a stranger for assuming there’s a daddy in the … Continue reading

A New Beginning??

Here’s what I want. I want a baby.

I am 39 years old. I am single. I have never been in a long term relationship. I am facing the reality that it is just not going to happen for me in time to have a baby.

I have always wanted kids. When I was a kid I wanted to be a mom. I used to love to babysit. I don’t so much love babies, per se, as kids. I am great with children. I have 3 little brothers who I have essentially helped raise. They are now 16, 13 and 8. I am lucky to have them in my life. And now I want my own.

I am now facing the reality of having a baby on my own. By myself.

I am terrified. I have been thinking about this for years but it is starting to form itself into … Continue reading

To Be or Not to Be a Single Mother by Choice (SMC)

There are many reasons TO become a Single Mother by Choice (SMC) and many reasons NOT TO. It’s such an individual decision to make. It is difficult to be a single mom, very difficult, but I think it’s also difficult to be a married mom. This decision isn’t one to be taken lightly, and it helps to really look at your whole life while you decide whether being a SMC will fit into it. When I was thinking I worried endlessly about what might happen. What will I say to people when I can’t hide my pregnancy anymore?” How will I tell my family? What if people judge me? What if I meet “the one” right after I get pregnant or after I have the baby?.

What I found out (much to my surprise) was that all those worries disappeared pretty quickly once I became pregnant. I had one or Continue reading

My Only Regret is That I Waited So Long

I’ve always wanted to have children, always wanted to mother. I’ve been an au pair to other families, spent time with all of the kids of friends and family. I hoped and assumed, of course, that I would have a family of my own when the time came.

I suppose that’s the tricky part – that time thing. Like many, I’ve been in a series of long relationships that have not withstood the tests of time. A long medical training that I started when I was twenty-eight ended ten years later. And there I was, at thirty-eight, for the first time seriously thinking of having a child on my own.

So many questions came to mind – how could I do it? How could I make it work in time and money and love? And most importantly, would it be, could it be fair to bring in child into the Continue reading

Dreams

Sometimes I reflect on my life over the years.

15 years, probably more, that I have fought for what I want, for what I believe. I guess in a way motherhood and dating go hand in hand, since my whole life I believed that one was the means to another.

My mother tells me that I have always believed that what I wanted, what I desired was out there. She admired my persistence and fight that it could be real for me, that I stood for what I believed steadfast, despite years of unsuccessful relationships.

Mom always taught me the lesson in life, the lessons of relationships – that you learn from them, that you take the lesson and grow, so the next relationship would be even richer.

Have I had hard times over the past few years? Yes.
Realizing Mr. Right was not here in time. Yuck.
Deciding, grieving … Continue reading

Why I Am Taking the Leap

iStock_momchild1. I am sick of living my life for myself, i.e. clothes, jewelry, facials, massages etc.

2. I love spending time with my niece and nephew, i.e. playground, zoo, reading books, bathing, feeding etc.

3. I am scared of getting old and being alone.

4. I have so much love to give, but no child to give it to.

5. I want the mother-child bond; I want to feel needed.

6. I hate holidays, get-togethers etc. because I am the only one without a child. I feel weird not having my own family and feel like the perpetual child showing up to family gatherings.

7. I feel isolated from the world at age 32 because I have no children; people my age have children. I am finding it harder and harder to connect with people since I am childless. I am already feeling more connected with others because my mind-set … Continue reading

Contentedness and Complacency

Profound Thoughts on Starting IVF #2

I have this feeling that my life is going to change. I think the start of every IVF brings this feeling. I remember it last time.

Which brings me to profound thoughts about happiness and change. For those of you who have never met me, or never knew me before I was trying to conceive (TTC), I’m generally a happy person. And even as a child, I was a “resilient” child. I have faced obstacles like other humans, but I bounce back faster. I’ve always felt lucky to be blessed with such a personality trait, especially as I have watched friends sometimes be dragged down for years after major events like breakups.

However, TTC for so long has made me face unhappiness and adversity for longer (and deeper) than ever before in my life. I hesitate to call it “unhappiness,” because it’s more like … Continue reading

What is “Single Mothers by Choice”?

I met my friend Rhonda through a local chapter of the national organization Single Mothers by Choice (SMC). She and I both joined around the same time. The first time we met in person I got out of my car, and I was greeted by a tiny woman in a shimmering magenta jogging suit, her eyes hidden behind big round black sunglasses. We nervously shook hands and began talking about who we were and where we came from and how far along we were in our journey as we walked a 3-mile loop that winds along the Mississippi River and back downtown.

The second time we met we sat in a crowded coffee bar, and I drank a decaf latte a week after my second insemination. I played with the lid on my drink and told her that I didn’t want to sound terribly shallow but I was afraid of … Continue reading

Girls Can Drive Dumptrucks and Boys Can Dance

“I wish our family had two moms,” Sam says, and I am caught by surprise. I am loading the dishes into the dishwasher while Sam puts the head on his new Lego alien minifigure and Eva pulls at my pants leg begging for her bedtime cup of milk.

“Why is that?” I ask. Our family has one parent. One mom. And it’s never going to have two moms.

“Because moms are great, and if there were two moms one could play with me while the other mom puts Eva to bed.”

I’ve recently been talking to Sam about how all families are different. We have books that talk about big families and small families, families that adopt, families with two moms or two dads, families with just one parent. We have books that explain IVF and how a child can come in to the world without a dad.

“That would … Continue reading

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