Motherhood – Part 1

34…single…female…The age keeps changing, but the relationship status does not. It’s been quite a while since I’ve been in a long-term relationship. While I desire a partner in life, a best friend to spend my days with, what I yearn for even more is motherhood. It’s not just a yearning from the heart, but I feel it from my ovaries…from the center of my being.

Throughout college and adult life, I have gone back and forth on what type of career I want to have and whether I even want to have a career at all. The one constant has always been that I want to have children. I want to bear at least one child and then possibly adopt. A mother is what I feel I was meant to be above all else..

At some point in my mid to late 20’s I decided that if I hadn’t met … Continue reading

A New Year

iStock_fireworksI gave up making New Year’s resolutions a long time ago. I always aimed too high and set myself up for failure. What’s more, I’m making resolutions all year ‘round, so there doesn’t seem to be much point in forcing myself to come up with new ones just because I’m hanging up a new calendar. (Oops, there’s a resolution: upload the new photo calendar to the Costco website before February!)

So, how did I spend New Year’s Eve? We were newly home from having spent Christmas in Phoenix with family, the girls were in bed, and I was enjoying a quiet, cozy evening with a book and a glass of wine. What once would have been considered a New Year’s Eve FAIL —sitting home alone— now felt like bliss.

And I remembered that, several years before I had my kids, I had improvised my own New Year’s Eve ritual. I … Continue reading

Happy Holidays from SMC

Happy Holidays from SMC!

Thanks to your support and participation, this has been a wonderful year for SMC.  

 I hope that the coming year brings you all of the good things you’re wishing for – – and even more.  

Best Regards, Jane Mattes,  LCSW. 

SMC Founder & Director

If you’re a single woman who is thinking about choosing single motherhood, trying to adopt or conceive, or already a mom. we’d love to have you join us!

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Choosing My Donor

 How does one choose the other half of their child’s genetics? On what do you base that kind of decision? In a typical nuclear family, the other half of a child is chosen by love. You fall in love and want to produce a child that is half of each of you. Well…I didn’t fall in love yet. I didn’t get married yet. I just want a child. So what do I use to pick that genetic “other half”?

I can tell you it’s a stressful process. I “know”, in my mind, that no matter what sperm I choose, I will have the child I was meant to have. I “know” that whatever choice I make will be the perfect one. But I can’t convince my emotional side. I really thought I could take the emotion out of it. My rational side wins out a fair amount of the time, … Continue reading

First Christmas

My little one is now 4 months old and the light of my life. He has been such an easy baby.  Other than when he was born, I didn’t hear him cry until he was about 5 weeks old (because he was hungry in his car seat. Easy fix.) He has been a good sleeper from the get go. I have never been sleep deprived. I had terrible insomnia during the TTC process and whilst pregnant. The second he was born I felt a weight lift off of me. The stress dissolved and I could finally relax as it was all over. Maybe he picked up on this because he is a chilled out little guy.

I had no idea that infants have a personality. I had always said that I’d be happy to be handed a six month old and go from there… How wrong I was! This kid … Continue reading

Boy, oh Boy!

“You’re having a … boy!” I remember the moment I got this shocking news as if it were yesterday. The autumn sun blithely filtered through the patio window, as I sat at the edge of my bed and took the call from the genetic counselor. As soon as she said the words “boy,” my heart sank to the pit of my stomach and I almost fell of the bed. Thump.

That queasy, uneasy feeling stayed with me all during my pregnancy. It’s called gender disappointment and it’s real. At first though, I was really ashamed to admit it. After all, it had taken me ten tries to have this miracle! And it was a miracle indeed – after 2 failed IVFs, I had conceived… on a last unmedicated Hail Mary insemination. My baby was genetically normal and healthy! How dare I feel anything but unadulterated joy?!

Luckily, I was part … Continue reading

Serial Monogamy – A Memoir

One day in 1990, the title of a workshop caught my attention: Last Call for Motherhood:  Are you a woman over 35 that has always thought motherhood would be part of your life, but it has yet to come to pass? Are you willing to contemplate becoming a “single mother by choice” despite the potential disapproval of family and friends? If you would like to devote some time and emotional effort into answering these questions for yourself, join us on Saturday, May 15,1990 for an all day workshop. Bring a lunch and a notebook and a willingness to share your deepest thoughts.

I immediately signed up. It was just what I needed to help me figure out if, in fact, single motherhood was the right path for me.

In a small room I sat with five other anxious women as we silently awaited the arrival of the instructor. There … Continue reading

Happy Thanksgiving

Wishing You a Wonderful Thanksgiving!

 

The SMC Blog Will Return Next Week

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Meditations on Choosing Single Motherhood

I was interviewing a parenting expert who has written over 23 books on parenting and appears on shows like Dr. Phil and The Today Show about disciplining the preverbal toddler, when I decided to just go ahead and ask her, the expert, what she thought about women who intentionally choose to have a child on their own, a child who would be brought into the world without a biological father.

I did this, I thought, because I want to write about how children of SMC moms fair compared to the conventional mom-dad household (which is actually pretty non-existent today anyway), but after hearing her response, I was surprised by the way I felt. Basically she iterated what many SMC moms who have written on the subject say. I’m paraphrasing here but she said women who plan to have a child are committed to parenting and any kid with a parent … Continue reading

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