Why I Am Taking the Leap

1. I am sick of living my life for myself, i.e. clothes, jewelry, facials, massages etc.
2. I love spending time with my niece and nephew, i.e. playground, zoo, reading books, bathing, feeding etc.
3. I am scared of getting old and being alone
4. I have so much love to give, but no child to give it to
5. I want the mother-child bond; I want to feel needed
6. I hate holidays, get-togethers etc. because I am the only one without a child. I feel weird not having my own family and feel like the perpetual child showing up to family gatherings
7. I feel isolated from the world at age 32 because I have no children; people my age have children. I am finding it harder and harder to connect with people since I am childless. I am already feeling more connected with others because my mind-set … Continue reading

Keeping My Future Child Safe

I have just been so sad since the story of the Trayvon Martin case came out.

I’m pregnant but don’t know if I’m having a boy or a girl. I have to admit that one little part of me, deep deep inside, has hoped Honey Badger is a boy. Someone to carry on the family “name,” which is an absolutely archaic conceit that I’m ashamed to admit that I even give any credence. But, there it is. And of course, I would love a girl too — any baby is a blessing.

But I’ve just been feeling so much pressure now of what it means to possibly be bringing up a black boy in this world. And I am so pre-emptively afraid. What if I don’t teach this kid about how to act in front of police officers? How do I help him understand that he needs to be compliant … Continue reading

I Love Mommy

 My baby daughter, now four weeks old,  has several outfits that say, “Mommy rocks” or “I love Mommy.” But, I know that she really doesn’t understand these things and can’t form her own opinion, yet.  At times the challenges of being a new mom are daunting. However, it’s no secret that I love my little baby.

Here are a few of the things about her that I’m enjoying now:

1.      The way she will be crying her little eyes out, I can pick her up, and it’s like suddenly shutting off the water from a gushing spigot. Some would say she’s spoiled. Well, yes, and your point?
2.       The way I can get her to burp.  I bounce Boop a few times, pat her back a few times, and magic: she burps like an old man.
3.      The way she can give 40 different facial expressions in the span of
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Why I Want to be a Mother Part 2

I have so much love I want to share. I want to see my child grow. I want to experience life through his or her eyes and see the world as new and exciting. I want to share the joy of the little things.

I loved taking my nephews to see my alma mater and taking them to museums and zoos and shows and can’t wait to do that with my own child.

I want to share my world view and life philosophies. I want inspire my child to imagine and do great things. I want to hold my child in my arms and stare into his or her face and sing it lullubies (I sing badly and off-key, but he/she won’t complain, I bet). I want to be surprised by the crazy things he or she says.

I want to see the joy on the face of my child … Continue reading

Why I Want to be a Mother

I want to share my vision of the world with my child; that life is expansive, not restrictive. that life is joyful and involves down time and bad times, but is exhilarating more often than it is draining or exhausting. I have lived in several countries, and cultures, and I want to pass on the knowledge that the world is a large place, and that there is a place and purpose for everyone, even several of each for you in one lifetime. I want to open their hearts to really believing in and pursuing their dreams.

I want to integrate them into my very large, loving family–they have numerous cousins waiting for them!

I want to teach them my native language, and pass on our rich Indian heritage to them. I want them to meet their great-grandmother, one of the greatest ladies I know. I want them to feel the … Continue reading

Choosing My Donor

How does one choose the other half of their child’s genetics? On what do you base that kind of decision? In a typical nuclear family, the other half of a child is chosen by love. You fall in love and want to produce a child that is half of each of you. Well…I didn’t fall in love. I didn’t get married. I just want a child. So what do I use to pick that genetic “other half”?

I can tell you it’s a stressful process. I “know”, in my mind, that no matter what sperm I choose, I will have the child I was meant to have. I “know” that whatever choice I make will be the perfect one. But I can’t convince my emotional side. I really thought I could take the emotion out of it. My rational side wins out a fair amount of the time, so why … Continue reading

Martyrdom?

I was recently approached about submitting an essay on single motherhood to a magazine. I sent the editor a précis of my motherhood to date: began trying to conceive when I was 36, unexpectedly conceived identical twins, babies contracted twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome in utero. Had experimental surgery. Babies survived. Had tons of help from friends, sister, and Mom. Moved half a country away when my daughters were four. They’re now almost nine.

The editor asked some follow-up questions. Could I talk more about my support network? In what ways is it harder to build one versus having a built-in one, i.e., a partner? What do I do when I want to brag to someone about something “awesome” my kids have done? And whom do I talk to when I want to tear my hair out?

I thought about this for a while before I responded. The editor seemed genuinely perplexed. … Continue reading

Money, Money, Money!!

I stumbled into trying to be a being a single mother by choice. A friend of mine was close to 40 and decided she was going to make the leap to be a mother. She enlisted me to do all the necessary research. Research is my thing so I was happy to get the ball rolling. I couldn’t believe all the information I found.

I discovered Single Mothers by Choice (SMC). We went to a meeting and filled in the blanks to many lingering questions.  We met thinkers, tryers and mothers.  What I noticed was these women came from many walks of life.  The common factor was no husband and the desire to have children before the option was taken off the table.

I continued my research and realized I desired the same thing.  I wanted to be a mother. The next question is how to go about it?

What … Continue reading

Is Single Parenthood Fair?

The question often comes up—or is brought up by others with strong opinions—about whether it’s fair to start a family as a single parent. About whether knowingly bringing a child into this world who won’t have a father is fair to the child.

I’ve thought about this a lot, both before beginning the Trying to Conceive stage and many times over the course of being a mother. And to me the answer just brings up many more questions.

Is it fair to bring a child into a love-less marriage? Is it fair to bring a child into a relationship hoping that child will heal an ailing love? Is it fair to bring a child into a world full of violence and terror? Is it fair to bring a child into family that struggles with alcoholism or drug addiction? Is it fair to bring a child into the “perfect” partnership and … Continue reading

The Politics of SMCs

When I first joined the national Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) organization and my local group, I assumed the other women I would meet – virtually and in person – would be fairly similar to me.  I thought that making such an “unconventional” life choice would be a decision only left-leaning, primarily urban/coastal women would make.  I could not have been more wrong.

What I’ve found instead is an amazingly diverse community of women.  Our political affiliations are all across the spectrum.  We are gay and straight, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, and atheist.  We are urban and rural, in the U.S. and Canada and Europe and Southeast Asia, and everywhere in-between.  We are black, white, Asian, Hispanic, and of every possible ethnic mix.  We are creative types and scientists who work from home and travel the world and are unemployed.  We are biological and adoptive moms and waiting-to-be-moms and still-thinking-about-becoming-moms.  … Continue reading