What is it about my donor that made me pick him? How on earth do you choose a sperm donor?
The weight of this decision can feel very heavy and daunting and overwhelming and and and…. But just know, if you take the time and feel great about the choice you made, whichever donor you choose, it will be the right decision. This is not to say that you should write a handful of donor numbers on little pieces of paper and pick one out of a hat. I mean, you could, but that’s leaving a lot up to the universe, which is a-ok if that’s what you want to do. But I think as you weigh the different factors of what makes each donor who they are as people, a lot of the contenders fall away immediately, while others start to really shine. And once you’ve made the choice, … Continue reading
A few months ago I decided to follow my biggest and scariest dream yet; I decided to follow my dream of being a mother, in my case a single mother.
When I first decided to go for it, I said to myself that I need time to process all the events of the past year that might have clouded my judgement. I had just ended an almost year and a half toxic relationship with a man that I loved at first, but by the end I had fallen out of love with. For some time in this past relationship, I was still willing to be with someone who I knew did not love me, who I did not love, who didn’t make me happy or appreciate me, and most importantly who had a lot of issues that made me acknowledge the fact that he could never be the father I … Continue reading
My little one is now 4 months old and the light of my life. He has been such an easy baby. Other than when he was born, I didn’t hear him cry until he was about 5 weeks old (because he was hungry in his car seat. Easy fix.) He has been a good sleeper from the get go. I have never been sleep deprived. I had terrible insomnia during the TTC process and whilst pregnant. The second he was born I felt a weight lift off of me. The stress dissolved and I could finally relax as it was all over. Maybe he picked up on this because he is a chilled out little guy.
I had no idea that infants have a personality. I had always said that I’d be happy to be handed a six month old and go from there… How wrong I was! This kid … Continue reading
Two weeks and 2 days until my official due date! I can’t believe it. In many ways it’s gone so slowly… counting the weeks one by one. But in many ways, it’s gone so fast — a year ago I hadn’t even started trying to get pregnant yet! My life has turned upside down in the past year, and I know this past year is nothing compared to what I’m about to face
Am I feeling nervous? Yes, but it’s mostly focused on handling having a child on my own going forward, as opposed to childbirth or handling a newborn baby. Yes, I’m a bit apprehensive about childbirth itself, only because it’s not even close to anything I’ve ever experienced before. Sure, I haven’t experienced everything in life, but many things are gradual (i.e. aging), or I’ve had similar experiences (I haven’t been to Africa, but I have traveled a … Continue reading
I wanted to share my reasons for deciding not to become a single mother by choice, and give a voice to the women who have seriously considered it, and decided to not move forward with their SMC journey.
I’ve been a member of SMC for a year now, and this was the most difficult year of my life because of the mental torture I went through trying to decide if SMC was the right path for me. My journey even included a failed IVF (total fertilization failure) and an attempted second IVF (stopped after first day of injections after a complete freak out, thinking WTF am I doing?).
I think what was motivating my decision to become a SMC was my fear of regretting it one day, and my fear of growing old alone and not having anyone to take care of me. Of course, I also wanted to experience … Continue reading
This feels weird. I don’t know you yet, I’m not even pregnant, but I want to meet you so badly.
In early September of 2019, a thought that I’d been having for years came bubbling right up and refused to be ignored any longer. That thought was whether to have a baby, even if I wasn’t married yet. It’s now a few months later and I’m sitting in my car as I write this. It’s raining. My answer is, yes, absolutely, unequivocally, yes. I’m 37, closer to 38. I can fall in love with a man anytime, but my window of opportunity to fall in love with you is rapidly closing.
This hasn’t been an easy decision. I’ve weighed some heavy things over the last several months. I love my own Dad so much; it pains me that I might not be able to give you one. I’m not sure … Continue reading
Last month at youth group, when my son was asked what he was thankful for, he said, “everything.” And I’ve been thinking a lot about that … how he knows at nine to be grateful for the rain and the sun, for pain and joy.
This year isn’t ending like I thought it would, but that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful beyond belief. For closed doors and new beginnings so good that I didn’t dare dream of them myself. And for God’s grace to sustain me between the two.
For friends who are present and friends that teach me lessons. For family that’s got my back and the ones who drive me crazy (sometimes the same ones).
For doctors and medicine and treatment and access to them.
For youth group kids who teach me something new every time I’m around them. A church family of kindred spirits.
For companies that … Continue reading
I have to admit – five years into this game, I’ve gotten pretty blasé about the whole “no father” thing. So have my kids. Claire announces it as needed, but in a very “whatevah” way. “I told her you couldn’t find a dad,” she told me, as an aside, at a recent church lunch. Evidently the topic had come up with her friend seated on the other side of her. Or not. It’s possible she just volunteered it. We’ve known this girl’s family for years, and I’ve never seen their father, either. Church is a mom-and-kids thing in their family, as is swimming lessons, evidently – the other place we see them. Not a big deal, just chatter between the five-year-olds.
We’re busy, we’re happy, life is good. Gymnastics, skating, swimming, soccer, kindergarten, cardboard-box inventions, baking projects, vacation planning. It’s all good. The big conversations have been had, and repeated. … Continue reading
Ok, so I got a peek into the meaning of life…. .
Yes, that’s a big statement…..on a Monday. But hey. It comes in drips….to me….every now and then.
I spent the weekend in NJ – assessing things that need to be done to prepare a house my family owns there for sale. The house – the house I grew up in – is vacant now. It has been rented for a number of years. I spent a few hours cleaning the kitchen cabinets and replacing all the knobs (31 to be exact). I got on my hands and knees and looked into drawers and under stairs and in the nooks and crannies… I saw my father’s handy work…here and there. I flicked light switches that I used to touch every day. I criticized elements of the house that I always accepted before. I slept on an air mattress in … Continue reading
I don’t know what it is about mommy’s bed. But apparently, when a child can’t fall asleep, the only place to go is mom’s bed—and like magic, the sandman comes and knocks said child out. What I found out recently is that it doesn’t even have to be your mom. Marshall was having a friend sleep over the other night. Both boys were snoring happily by about 10 p.m. and I blithely went to bed. About 1 a.m., I sensed a presence by bed. It’s Max saying he can’t fall asleep so I groggily tell him to climb in. He’s asleep in seconds. When I awake in the morning, there’s a boy in bed next to me. No big surprise. But it takes me a minute to realize it’s not mine.
I never intended to co-sleep. But Marshall had other plans. From the minute he was born, he liked to … Continue reading