I am a single mother of 4 (almost 5) year old boy girl twins. My mother is 71 and she lives with us in the summer and in Arizona for the winter. My mother thinks that kids today have too many organized activities and need to spend more time with nothing to do. To further this theory, my mother bought us a 16 foot house trailer (the kind you pull behind a car). So, we just got back from our first camping trip. We left on Saturday and got home on Wednesday.
The back story is that when we went to pick up the trailer from the guy who sold it to us he spent about 2 hours explaining to me how to work everything. He told me that once I was familiar with everything the set up would take about 1.5 hrs. I took copious notes and promptly came … Continue reading
As Mother’s Day comes and goes once again, I’m left with a strange mixture of longing and apprehension. Since finding out about Single Mothers by Choice (SMC), the supposition I could be a mother, albeit on my own, is a new development I’ve let take root. Stronger than ever, it’s now an eventuality I’ve accepted is going to happen. A radical departure from the trajectory I thought I wanted to follow, from the figment of my life I held in my mind’s eye. After the warm balmy vision of having children fades, however, I’m reminded of the reality of my situation — my non-existent relationship with my own mother, and how it complicates the matter.
I wasn’t surprised that when I started my journey toward SMC-hood, I found myself with the familiar affliction of ignoring the influence of my own mother. I’ve endeavoured over a lifetime to not end up … Continue reading
Sitting here in the hospital room, as my newly adopted daughter recovers from her first of what will be several open heart surgeries, I have almost forgotten that this Sunday is Mother’s Day. In the past, Mother’s Day had always been a painful reminder of what I wasn’t yet — a mom. On Facebook, friends would post about spending Mother’s Day with their kids and I tried to focus on the fact that I was lucky I still have a mom at my age, when so many of my friends have already lost theirs. But it was hard.
So you’d think that this Mother’s Day would be foremost in my mind—my first Mother’s Day!!! But it honestly hasn’t been—I’m too busy being a mom and trying to comprehend and digest what I’ve gotten myself into. And I’m tired. So damn tired. I didn’t know a person could be this tired … Continue reading
I called my mother last night. Something I generally do a few times a week, but have done less often in the last month or two. I just don’t feel like talking once I get the kids to bed. But I called her.
My mother was a good mom. I never ever ever doubted her love for me. Even when she told me, in so many words, that “she didn’t really like me right now”. As the oldest of 3, I think I carried a lot of responsibility. Some of it placed on me (mommy’s little helper, type things), and some of it just my internalization of my role in the family. My parents were somewhat free-range, pretty normal for the 70s. I had no actual needs that went unmet, but there also wasn’t lots of extra money, until I was in the middle of high school.
But my mom … Continue reading
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom. I started babysitting when I was just 9 years old and continued to do so through college. I have always loved children and “borrowed” my friends’ children on a regular basis. When I was in my mid-20s, I would often say that if I got to be 35, wasn’t married, and had no prospects for marriage, I was going to go to a sperm bank and use a turkey baster. Fast forward 10 years: Me, at age 35, not married and not involved with anyone. And so my journey to a child began.
Fast forward another 2 years. I had moved back to my hometown so I could be near my family, bought a house, lost weight, and was on the brink of my first donor insemination. I was beyond excited!! The morning of my insemination, … Continue reading
With the help of the members of SMC, I have just recently made my decision not to become an SMC. I should also preface this by saying that I came to this quandary late. I am 46.
Letting go of the dream of having a traditional family, i.e. a husband and kids, is a very big deal for most women. That’s probably one of the first steps in deciding to become an SMC. And that’s a rough one. I always had this assumption that it would happen, so it was hard to face the fact that it might not just “happen.” What if it doesn’t? How could it not? How long do I wait?
All kinds of people meet their mates and start families. My confidence about myself as an attractive, smart and lovable woman is a bit tangled up in that dream. I never wanted to visit the possibility … Continue reading
Infertility is defined as “not being able to get pregnant after one year of unprotected sex”. But what about the women who are single and ready to be an SMC? We don’t take the conventional path to become pregnant, so we must rely on fertility treatments.
Deciding that you want to pursue single motherhood is only the beginning of a long journey towards getting pregnant. Since many of these women are in their mid-30’s to early 40’s, they are finding out that getting pregnant later in life is not that easy.
It’s been 6 months since I decided to become a single mom by choice, and I haven’t even attempted to get pregnant yet. That’s not because I haven’t wanted to, but because of all of the hoops I’ve had to jump through as a single woman. We don’t have the romantic trying to conceive nights with cuddles and a … Continue reading
It’s been a tough week. Two huge projects at work have left me stressed out and exhausted. And it’s my son’s first week back to school as a newly minted first grader. He seems to be doing ok, but it’s a major adjustment nonetheless, for both of us.
Our rituals soothe us, particularly at night after a long day. And for even more comfort, we’ve retreated into the past. This week’s bedtime selections have been our old standbys, the board books I started reading to my son when he was an infant, the ones I still know by heart. A Color of His Own, The Runaway Bunny, Are You My Mother?, and tonight, Goodnight Moon. Although my son can read these books to me now, we both still enjoy it when I read aloud to him, it’s part of the ritual.
We snuggle in together in his bed, me carefully … Continue reading
I was 34 when I first heard about a woman choosing to have a baby on her own. It was over margaritas with my friends one night. One friend told us about a co-worker who was 40, single and had decided to try to have a baby on her own. I remember the moment vividly, my eyes wide and terrified that was where I was headed if I didn’t buckle down and find a man. I thought, “I can’t let that be my life.”
Four years later, as I am in the thick of trying to conceive (TTC), I’ve gone through a lot of emotional processing and grieving that comes with choosing single motherhood.
My first part of grief came when I was 35 and froze my eggs. I did it as a way to buy myself time and hopefully relax in my dating process. But I remember feeling depressed … Continue reading
I have to say when I started this journey, I expected there would be times that I would feel lonely or miss not having a partner. And there have definitely been those moments where I felt that.
An Africans proverb that I love is “its takes a village to raise a child.” It shows that when communities are at its best, its a village. A close knit unit that helps, supports, gives feedback, provides structure, brings guidance, and love to all. The African American community has lived off this for so many years. And honestly I grew up this way as well. I have to say that, my village is awesome and has been essential throughout this journey!!!
Let me start from the beginning…. Earlier this week, I found myself in so much pain dealing with what the doctors have determined is sciatica (really sharp pain going from my lower … Continue reading