Category Archives: parenthood

Register Now — SMC’s 40th Anniversary Celebration!

Celebration ImageSingle Mothers by Choice (SMC) is turning 40!

We’re excited to mark the occasion with a two-day virtual celebration event which will take place on Zoom on October 16th and 17th. Connect with our  members at every stage of the SMC journey — thinkers, tryers, and mothers — as well as SMC founder, Jane Mattes. We’re putting together an exciting line-up of speakers and panels. Our goal is to provide support, information and connections to those who are considering, or have chosen, the SMC path. Register below, and plan to join us!

Some of Our Panels:

  • Adult SMC Children: What was it like growing up?
  • Dating and Relationships: How do we manage them?
  • A Day in the Life of an SMC: What’s it really like?
  • Moms of Adult SMC Children: What was it like raising your children?
  • Different Paths to SMC-hood: How do we get there?
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A Racecar Driver?

Go back with me to eight years ago. My boyfriend of a year-and-a-half and I had The Talk. I’d thought we were firmly on the same page about commitment and family. Problem was, there didn’t seem to be any movement toward that. I hadn’t even met his family. So I asked him about our future.

He looked panicked– not the reaction I was hoping for. He stalled for time, telling me, “can we talk about this later, baby? The game’s on.” Again, the banality of this scene made me want to kick myself. I couldn’t believe I had become this person.

As he kept one eye on the hockey, I told him that we were both 40, and I was ready for a real commitment and a baby. He adjusted his junk and half-turned to me, “Okay, I’m getting a handle on this,” he said. He told me that sure, … Continue reading

Will You Never Date Again if you Have a Child on Your Own?

Woman on tiptoes next to manWomen considering the path of single motherhood by choice often experience many fears. One fear is that they will never date again if they start a family without a partner. This fear is most commonly experienced by women who are romantically interested in men.

After all, societal narratives often steer men away from dating single mothers. What man would want to raise another man’s kid? If you listen to all the male “romance gurus” on YouTube who dish out advice (while seemingly never having had a meaningful relationship of their own), you could be forgiven for thinking that only an undesirable “simp” would date a single mom. A man so worthless — with so little self-esteem — that he would stoop to the level of considering his partner’s feelings and sacrificing a certain level of freedom, wild sex, and partying to be in a committed relationship. A man so pathetic … Continue reading

Some Pearls of Wisdom From A Neophyte Mom

Here is what I’ve learned in the first six months of mothering:

1. There are a million toys out there to buy babies, but your kid will probably just want to play with the box it came in. Or with the toy you fished out of the garbage.

2. Your baby will like the dumbest book on the shelf, and you will be forced to read it every night. Do not even try to get her to like classics such as “Eloise” or “Amos and Boris.” She just wants the stupid one about finding her bellybutton.

3. She will always pee on the changing table if you roll the dice and leave her undiapered for 15 seconds.

4. Babysitters who have been doing this for a long time know way more than you do about raising your kid. They are pros. Pick their brains and hope they don’t charge you … Continue reading

Why Your Family Doesn’t Want You to Have a Baby on Your Own

Becoming a single mother by choice goes against society’s script. When you announce that you are planning to start a family on your own, you might be disappointed by the response you receive.

Why don’t your friends and family want you to have a baby on your own? Can’t they see that having a child will be a wonderful and joyful addition to your life?

It’s a new concept to them

I still remember when I got my first tattoo as a teenager and my grandfather saw it. He was shocked, even horrified. In his generation a “good girl” would never dream of getting a tattoo. But you know what? He came around. He just needed a little time to adjust.

A similar pattern can occur when a woman tells members of previous generations that she is considering becoming a single mother by choice (SMC). SMCs are something that older … Continue reading

One Ticket There, Two Tickets Back

So this is the story of how I went to Florida and came back with a baby.

As you might know, in every state, in adoption, a birthmother has the right to change her mind for a set period of time known as the “revocation period”.  In New York, for instance, a birthmother has 30 days after she signs the papers to decide she wants to parent. It’s fair, I think, because it’s not the kind of decision you want to find yourself regretting if you have decided to make an adoption plan for your kid.

In Florida, there is no revocation period, which means that after the birth mom signs the papers she cannot change her mind. That’s awesome for an adoptive parent, and why a lot of people try to adopt in Florida.

The one thing is that the birth-mom can’t sign the papers until 72 hours after … Continue reading

A Fine Whine

Ugh, so, this is just unbearable. This waiting is terrible. How do any of us go through it?

I’ve been officially a waiting-to-adopt family for nine (or is it ten?) months. And before that, I did two-and-a-half years of infertility treatments. I woke up the other day and just thought to myself, “I just want to be a mom. So badly.”

I started this journey nearly four years ago. And I am still single and childless. I know, it sounds like I am being a total downer., I AM a total downer right now. Sorry, guys, really. But I just feel like it is NEVER going to happen for me.  My friend was waiting to adopt a dog and she is going to get it this weekend… so even that is happening. When is it going to be my day? I know I’m whining. Again, I am so sorry.

There … Continue reading

The Anvil

I’m putting this out there: why not consider that me becoming a mom IS going to happen, rather than always thinking it ISN’T going to happen?

They say that if you think positively, this attracts positivity. I’ve always felt this is nonsense.  I have always believed that if I think positively, then that is exactly the way for something bad to happen. You know how Wile E. Coyote is always running around trying to do things, and the Road Runner always seems to drop an anvil on his head? That’s how I view myself in the world– that an anvil is always about to drop and crush me.

Now that I say it out loud, it seems kind of sad.

Also, let’s analyze this critically. Wile E. Coyote always has dastardly intentions: to kill the Road Runner. So really, it makes sense in the Looney Tunes world that his evil … Continue reading

The Day I Realized I Liked Kids

I know lots of women who always knew they wanted kids. I was never one of them.

We already have enough people in the world, I always thought, so why do I have to go through the bother of having more?  Plus, kids seemed like a total pain. They shit in their pants and whine and generally get in the way of you having a good time.

I wasn’t particularly excited when I learned my brother and his wife were pregnant, and when my baby niece came I didn’t care much. She reminded me of all the other babies I had ever seen. I remember my brother bringing this little bundle of boring humanity into the bathroom early in the morning, saying “look! Auntie is brushing her teeth!” It was too early for baby talk, and I barked at him to leave me alone.

I did have to admit she … Continue reading

My Path To Single Motherhood

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my path to single motherhood. It’s strange, because it feels so natural and normal to me now, that I sometimes forget how unconventional my path has been.

Plan A

Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to have children. I had big dreams about having birth children and adopting. My “Plan A” approach was always in this order: fall in love, get married, have birth children, provide foster care, and adopt.

When I turned 28, I started seriously considering the “what if’s” about Plan A not working out. I had just moved to a new state, was away from all my friends/family, and I was finding it difficult to meet any new quality men. I tried a bunch of stuff: online dating, volunteering, getting involved in the community, speed dating, singles events, etc. But it just wasn’t happening … Continue reading