Though I have been thinking about this often, I am finally forcing myself to sit down and write about it. I am (pause pause pause) giving up on the idea of (no that isn’t right) choosing to move forward with my life by (here goes, breathe) having a baby on my own. There I said it. Technically, I am choosing an anonymous sperm donor, buying vials of sperm that will then be put up into my uterus by a doctor. No sex. No relationship. No man. No wedding. No. Just me.
This coming to terms with the fact that I am doing all of this solo is making me cry presently, sitting at a table with a giant latte on a rainy, winter Sunday in LA. Wonder if they have Baileys here. Kidding. Kindof.
Back to the point. It is devastatingly difficult for me to admit to myself that this … Continue reading
These are strange times. It’s the peak (here’s hoping) of the pandemic and we’re in the days between the (second) impeachment and the inauguration. (As someone on Twitter said, “I can’t believe it’s time for another impeachment already–I feel like I just took down my decorations from the last one.”)
I wanted to try to capture what life feels like right now, because I know I’m not the only one feeling this weird mix of emotions.
In the past two months, we have an effective vaccine and I already know many people who’ve been vaccinated and/or have an appointment (including my parents!!).
There’s so much to celebrate and lots of reasons to be hopeful.
But but but. This is all happening against a backdrop of thousands of deaths per day, so many people (everyone?) stressed and/or sick, and then: a horrifying attack by white supremacists on the U.S. Capitol.
As … Continue reading
Just a couple of weeks later, I changed my mind about having a potential suitor wait six months to meet my children. Despite my desire to protect them, I didn’t want to commit six months to this relationship, only to have their meeting be a disaster. We planned for just a quick ice cream outing, nothing too ambitious. Short and sweet.
The day of our date, he knocked on the door as we were doing chores. Sage had been told to wash dishes but was dragging her feet. He went to the kitchen and quietly offered to help. Wordlessly, she handed him a sponge. They washed the dishes together. And by the end of the day, my shy girl was hanging all over him.
Lorelei was even easier. She was instantly smitten, and thrilled to command his attention. Walking home afterwards, she climbed into his arms and laid her tired … Continue reading
Insemination #8 went fine.
I worked from home yesterday, which I do strategically to cloak my suspicious number of appointments. At 9:45 am, while peeing on mute during a conference call, I suddenly remembered that I hadn’t called the sperm thaw hotline before 8:30am as instructed. Dropped off the conference call, called the sperm thaw hotline begging them to call me back with confirmation, called Olga hoping she’d put in a good word with the lab. Slight panic. Can you imagine how ridiculous it would be to miss a cycle because of forgetting this easy step? But, now that I’ve missed the deadline twice, I see that it’s ultimately negotiable and probably more of a guideline. A nice lady in the lab called me back within 5 minutes and called me “dear”. Olga also called back and said, “You’re all good!”
Phew. Sigh. Gratitude. Thank you.
Half an hour before … Continue reading
When I began my journey to become a Single Mother by Choice (SMC), using donor sperm from a bank, I believed I had thought through all possible scenarios. And then, just two years ago, something happened that made me realize that I had not thought it all through. I had never thought about connections with donor siblings or donor families.
I knew that I would tell my child about their conception from the start – no secrets. I imagined that one day, he or she might ask questions about the donor and I would answer. I chose an Open ID donor for this very reason. I figured, why not leave the door open if you can? So, I figured we’d deal with the possibility of connecting with the donor if and when my child was ready or wanting.
I never considered that I might find myself connected with other families … Continue reading
Besides making the little people running around my house safe from monsters nightly, there have been some definite changes in my life since I became a Mom. So many aspects of my life today would be unrecognizable to my former self. Here are some big ones:
My workouts. Before kids, I went to the gym at least four, usually five or six times a week. I had memberships in three different gyms, for the different convenient locations and variety. I kept an “emergency” gym bag ready to go in my trunk in case I had an unexpected chunk of time and could fit in an extra workout. I had such “emergencies” frequently.
Post kids, I try to take a walk if I get a chance at lunch at work. I have a gym membership and I went last month. Once. Or was it the month before? There is a new … Continue reading
How pursuing my dream of having a child made dating more fun.
I had often assumed that some women, unlike me, were able to date lightheartedly. Unconcerned with a hoped-for long-term outcome, these women could treat a date as just a date. They found a way to relax and have a good time. These women, I further suspected, were free to be themselves with their dates and so were the ones finding the right partner.
As these musings might indicate, my single dating life was often riddled with worry. When dating a man, I was rarely fully present. My mind ran the back-story. I’d size him up, then rocket mentally into an imagined future. Is he the right fit for me, and I for him? Is he commitment-phobic? Am I? Are we wasting our time?
Of course, sometimes, there was true hope and love. But the stifling “what-ifs” commanded my … Continue reading
I have been asked this a handful of times. The immediate things that come to mind are the little flutters, especially when I first started feeling them. Like a little bird’s wing inside me. They gave me pure joy. He’s really in there. But more-so I think my true favorite thing about being pregnant has been the feeling of hope. The unknown, which surprisingly for someone like me who needs to feel in control, isn’t scary at all to me – it’s the kind of unknown that is like a spark, an excitement, an anticipation of getting to know him. My baby. Meeting him, seeing who he is and how our world will be.
I have all the hope in the world. That’s the thing about me – this shameless, undeterred, sometimes naive optimism that has carried me through the last 40 years and unchanged by disappointments and devastations, heartbreaks … Continue reading