What a time. At the end of 2020 I arranged for childcare for my first New Year’s Eve “out” at a Masquerade Ball with a friend. When that fell through at the eleventh hour, I desperately scrambled for a back up…miraculously begging and bribing my way to childcare that night.
We rang in 2020 in decorative masks.
Who knew 2020 would bring so many more masks?
Masks on the outside and masks on the inside as I tried to fight the immeasurable sadness our beloved cat’s death wrought inside me. It has left me raw and broken, and with my two young children dependent on me during a pandemic.
How do I share amusing anecdotes under these circumstances?
And, now, my little girl has just started kindergarten and seems so much older than a mere two months ago. My son is a confident second grader. And, they are back … Continue reading
In the mail last week, I received a storage invoice for cord blood from Elliot’s birth. In a few months, I’ll get one for the embryos I have on ice at the fertility place. They’re stored there, safe and sound. Three of them. I don’t think about it often, but when I am asked if I’ll have another child, of course it sends me into thoughts of what could be. My initial thought is no way, absolutely not. I’ve said it so many times that I have all my love in the world to give to a baby, but I have 1 set of hands- two children would be too much for me to handle on my own. Physically, financially, mentally, logistically.
But I sure am curious to know what would happen if I did. What the potential of that child could be in this world. I loved being pregnant. … Continue reading
Though I have been thinking about this often, I am finally forcing myself to sit down and write about it. I am (pause pause pause) giving up on the idea of (no that isn’t right) choosing to move forward with my life by (here goes, breathe) having a baby on my own. There I said it. Technically, I am choosing an anonymous sperm donor, buying vials of sperm that will then be put up into my uterus by a doctor. No sex. No relationship. No man. No wedding. No. Just me.
This coming to terms with the fact that I am doing all of this solo is making me cry presently, sitting at a table with a giant latte on a rainy, winter Sunday in LA. Wonder if they have Baileys here. Kidding. Kindof.
Back to the point. It is devastatingly difficult for me to admit to myself that this … Continue reading
These are strange times. It’s the peak (here’s hoping) of the pandemic and we’re in the days between the (second) impeachment and the inauguration. (As someone on Twitter said, “I can’t believe it’s time for another impeachment already–I feel like I just took down my decorations from the last one.”)
I wanted to try to capture what life feels like right now, because I know I’m not the only one feeling this weird mix of emotions.
In the past two months, we have an effective vaccine and I already know many people who’ve been vaccinated and/or have an appointment (including my parents!!).
There’s so much to celebrate and lots of reasons to be hopeful.
But but but. This is all happening against a backdrop of thousands of deaths per day, so many people (everyone?) stressed and/or sick, and then: a horrifying attack by white supremacists on the U.S. Capitol.
As … Continue reading
Just a couple of weeks later, I changed my mind about having a potential suitor wait six months to meet my children. Despite my desire to protect them, I didn’t want to commit six months to this relationship, only to have their meeting be a disaster. We planned for just a quick ice cream outing, nothing too ambitious. Short and sweet.
The day of our date, he knocked on the door as we were doing chores. Sage had been told to wash dishes but was dragging her feet. He went to the kitchen and quietly offered to help. Wordlessly, she handed him a sponge. They washed the dishes together. And by the end of the day, my shy girl was hanging all over him.
Lorelei was even easier. She was instantly smitten, and thrilled to command his attention. Walking home afterwards, she climbed into his arms and laid her tired … Continue reading
Insemination #8 went fine.
I worked from home yesterday, which I do strategically to cloak my suspicious number of appointments. At 9:45 am, while peeing on mute during a conference call, I suddenly remembered that I hadn’t called the sperm thaw hotline before 8:30am as instructed. Dropped off the conference call, called the sperm thaw hotline begging them to call me back with confirmation, called Olga hoping she’d put in a good word with the lab. Slight panic. Can you imagine how ridiculous it would be to miss a cycle because of forgetting this easy step? But, now that I’ve missed the deadline twice, I see that it’s ultimately negotiable and probably more of a guideline. A nice lady in the lab called me back within 5 minutes and called me “dear”. Olga also called back and said, “You’re all good!”
Phew. Sigh. Gratitude. Thank you.
Half an hour before … Continue reading
When I began my journey to become a Single Mother by Choice (SMC), using donor sperm from a bank, I believed I had thought through all possible scenarios. And then, just two years ago, something happened that made me realize that I had not thought it all through. I had never thought about connections with donor siblings or donor families.
I knew that I would tell my child about their conception from the start – no secrets. I imagined that one day, he or she might ask questions about the donor and I would answer. I chose an Open ID donor for this very reason. I figured, why not leave the door open if you can? So, I figured we’d deal with the possibility of connecting with the donor if and when my child was ready or wanting.
I never considered that I might find myself connected with other families … Continue reading