Category: thinking

On Becoming an SMC

There came a time in my late-20s where I felt like my life was at a crossroad. I was stuck in a job I wasn’t crazy about with a non-existent social life and no change on the horizon.  Something had to give, I just wasn’t sure what.

My first attempt at change landed me in the world of internet dating.  Prior to this, I’d had a few almost-relationships, but nothing that every really got off the ground.  I had several friends who had great luck on the internet, so I thought surely my Prince Charming was also only a few mouse clicks away.  Boy, was I wrong!  I was only attracting creeps, weirdos or men who didn’t want kids, didn’t want any more kids, or didn’t want kids anytime soon.  I realized I wasn’t dating, I was interviewing potential fathers.

Forget dating – lets fix the job situation.  I had … Continue reading

I’ve Decided to Go For It

This feels weird. I don’t know you yet, I’m not even pregnant, but I want to meet you so badly.

In early September of 2019, a thought that I’d been having for years came bubbling right up and refused to be ignored any longer. That thought was whether to have a baby, even if I wasn’t married yet. It’s now a few months later and I’m sitting in my car as I write this. It’s raining. My answer is, yes, absolutely, unequivocally, yes. I’m 37, closer to 38. I can fall in love with a man anytime, but my window of opportunity to fall in love with you is rapidly closing.

This hasn’t been an easy decision. I’ve weighed some heavy things over the last several months. I love my own Dad so much; it pains me that I might not be able to give you one. I’m not sure … Continue reading

We Wanted To Be Moms

When I turned thirty-five the last thing on my mind was becoming a mother. I had spent my late teens, twenties, and early thirties so wrapped up in myself; the thought of having the responsibility of a child was submerged somewhere between marriage and home ownership.  I was content being a perennial student, keeping a day job, and sabotaging potentially long-term relationships.  Then, some time in my thirty-fifth year, an unprecedented urge pierced my thoughts, rattling my body like an alarm clock, only this was purely biological.

I thought there must be other women like me.  There were.  Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) was founded in 1981.

I pulled the top down to my Jeep Wrangler, wearing my skinny jeans, and drove to my first SMC meeting.  I walked into a room of tired-looking moms whose kids were all around the same age.  They undoubtedly drove safe cars with secure … Continue reading

On Selfishness

Women who are thinking of becoming a Single Mother by Choice (SMC) sometimes are told, or worry, that they are being selfish. Here are my thoughts on selfishness.

I am trying to conceive (ttc) and this is how I explain it to my friends when they ask.

My life as a single person is selfish.  My money, time and energy go to things that please me and to do things I enjoy.  Just one year ago I hopped on a plane and went to Nicaragua to learn to surf.  Everything I do every single day is for me.  Every single day is selfish and self centered.

I am not a selfish or self centered person in my heart, and this life is uncomfortable.  I don’t like doing things to merely entertain myself, but since I have no one in my life (husband or kid) to focus on, and as I … Continue reading

How Did You Know?

I was one of those women who was 30 and wondering when/if I would ever find Mr. Right, and would just tell myself “Well, if I’m not married by 35, I can always have a baby on my own” — because I always wanted children!  But I was sure that was just an exercise to soothe myself, not my fate…. I dated a lot, so I was sure I’d be married by then.  Around 35 I was involved with someone I considered my soul mate, and we both thought we’d be married with kids, etc., but that fell apart (we were too toxic together for words).  I gave it some more thought, but wasn’t ready to give up on love/marriage, etc.  So I met another wonderful man and was happy and thought he might be the one…until we discussed marriage and kids in a very casual way and I learned … Continue reading

Motherhood — Part 2

(This is the second half of Motherhood. The first half recently appeared in this space.)

If I decide to become a single mother, I would probably also be deciding that my child would be an only child. Not only would s/he not have a father, but also it would be just the two of us. Going it alone would be hard enough financially and mentally, so thinking about a second on my own is probably not in the cards. Some of my best memories growing up involve my brothers: chasing after each other, inventing games, and having a buffer or distraction when we were stuck with our parents for too long in a confined car on road trips. As adults we’ve bonded in a completely different way and I can’t imagine not having these relationships in my life. Who am I to knowingly deprive my child of that … Continue reading

Skipping Steps to My Happily-Ever-After

Choosing Single Motherhood

Most women’s journey to motherhood begins with a trip to the bedroom. Mine began with a trip to my parents’ basement. Unfortunately, it’s not nearly as kinky as that sounds.

While visiting my parents, I spied a pile of nostalgia on a dusty shelf downstairs: old photos, yearbooks, and my senior year psychology project. I think the project was supposed to be a sketch of our lives from birth to death, but hand a bunch of adolescents an assignment like this, and you’re just asking for a suburban girl’s mash-up of Sex in the City meets Cinderella, complete with magazine cut-outs of wedding dresses and beaus-to-be. I didn’t think of myself as overly boy-crazy back then. I certainly didn’t keep bridal clippings in my nightstand like some of my friends, but I was raised on Disney princesses, too. I knew how life was supposed to work out.… Continue reading

Testing The Waters

My mother and I just finished a phone conversation about my plans for the upcoming weekend. We discussed how the guy I’m currently casually dating is not coming to visit (he lives 2.5 hours away) because he has to work tomorrow. In the past month, he and I have backed off a bit, mainly because I’m busy, he’s busy, and yeah, it’s long distance. I really like him and could see myself marrying/having kids with him, but he’s older and already has two teenagers (ages 15 and 13). He has a lot of drama in his life unrelated to me, and while he says he wants to eventually get married and have more kids, part of me doesn’t believe him. The two he has are close to 18, and he’ll then be done paying formal child support. Part of me thinks he’s just telling me he wants more kids because … Continue reading

Motherhood – Part 1

34…single…female…The age keeps changing, but the relationship status does not. It’s been quite a while since I’ve been in a long-term relationship. While I desire a partner in life, a best friend to spend my days with, what I yearn for even more is motherhood. It’s not just a yearning from the heart, but I feel it from my ovaries…from the center of my being.

Throughout college and adult life, I have gone back and forth on what type of career I want to have and whether I even want to have a career at all. The one constant has always been that I want to have children. I want to bear at least one child and then possibly adopt. A mother is what I feel I was meant to be above all else..

At some point in my mid to late 20’s I decided that if I hadn’t met … Continue reading

How Will I Know When I’m Ready To Be A Mom?

This is the secret no one tells you when you’re a kid: there’s no magic age when you suddenly become an “adult”, at least not in the ways you think it will happen when you’re a teenager. The reality of being 30 or 40 is just not anything like what the 13 or 16 year old me thought it would be. I still feel like a stupid teenager sometimes but not nearly as often as I did even 10 years ago. And I have teenage nieces, which a) has not deterred me from wanting to be a mom :lol: and b) makes me realize I have grown up and learned a lot since then.

Sometimes I think I should be more mature by now. But I think we’re all always still learning and we all have habits or knee-jerk reactions we’d like to change, buttons we’d like to stop letting people … Continue reading

“I've been part of the SMC community since I was thinking about getting pregnant. They always have my back with useful, nuanced advice, trustworthy info, and personal experience. I feel honored to be a member, and to see all the children grow up alongside mine.”

– Sophie Holland