Ahh, Summer. Log, hot, lazy days.  Time to play. This newsletter is devoted (loosely) to the idea of play. The fun of dating, as the two perspectives offered here on dating while TTC suggest, can sometimes seem like a full-time job! So can TTC or Adopting. Leslie Cummings reminds us to make space and time for our other dreams as well. Finally, Jane Mattes interviews Michelle Ottey, Driector of Operations at Farifax Cyrobank about their survey of unpartnered (single) mothers. Ms. Essie is on vacation, but she’ll be back after Labor Day!

Laura Isabel Serna

P.S. In honor of fall, the next issue will be devoted to “transitions”. If you have an article idea, send me an email lauisaser@gmail.com.

How I Found Other Dreams While Waiting for the Big One
by Leslie Cummings

By the time I was 38, I’d had so many of my dreams come true: I finished my degree, lived in a foreign country, traveled the world, bought my own home, and sowed my oats. There were two dreams left: Meet Mr. Right and have kids together. There were other dreams, but those could wait. With the biological clock screaming, finding Mr. Right so I could have kids had to come first. Since all of my other dreams had come true, I just assumed the dream of a husband and children would, too.

It didn’t. After several years of dating and a serious relationship with a guy who turned out to be Mr. Autonomy Issues, I found myself single. At 42.8, (yes, way too late), I decided I was going to become an SMC and try with my own eggs. Now I had a new dream: have a biological child and hope Mr. Right would come along later. Fertility treatments took over my life. I started seeing a counselor to deal with them. One constant topic was my feeling of stagnating while watching all of my friends get engaged, married, buy houses, have children. Their dreams were coming true. In the meantime, here I was, nothing changing. My counselor would ask me how I could get unstuck. What other things could I do? What other dreams could I focus on? I did have other dreams: Finish my master’s degree, paint my house, take ornithology classes at the arboretum, the list went on. But I’d always tell her dreams cost money. I couldn’t afford anything; fertility treatments were costing me everything extra I have. We could not come up with a solution. How could I do something to feel like my life was moving forward, that I was making other dreams come true, even though my bigger dreams of children and a husband were not happening?

After many unsuccessful tries with my own eggs and donor eggs, at 45, the dream of becoming a mom seemed like it was never going to come true. I told my therapist how frustrated I was. Friends and coworkers were having second children with their husbands. Other SMCs moved from the ttc list to the pg list and then the little ones group. Why weren’t my dreams happening? There were no answers. I picked an adoption agency and got things rolling. I had another new dream: make adoption happen. I put my energy into my home study and how quickly I could get onto the waiting list.

Then, a funny thing happened. Without the hormones coursing through me, making me an emotional wreck without the rollercoaster ride of fertility treatments, the shots, the miscarriages, the hopes and letdowns, I began to return to myself. I started to feel happy and energetic, to socialize more. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be my old self, pre-“I need to find a husband so I can have biological children,” pre-“I have to make a decision about being a single mom,” pre-fertility treatments, pre-miscarriages. I hadn’t felt this way in years. Being on an adoption waiting list was freeing. With adoption, it might take a while, but I would eventually, in the end, be a mom.

In the meantime, I could live my life. I felt great. I stopped seeing my counselor. I started dating again— without pressure. I added some stuff to the nursery. Since I’d chosen to adopt a baby girl, I picked up some baby girl clothes from freecycle.org. And, one Sunday afternoon, as I was perusing Craigslist.org, I saw “The Dresser.” It was being sold at a local estate sale. It literally took my breath away. So pretty. Antique, interesting, unique—and exactly what I’d been dreaming of all these years. My bedroom set was one of those faux Colonial sets from the 1970s—with the fake wood veneer. I’d always meant for it to be “make-do” furniture that I would replace with beautiful antiques.

As I sat admiring the photo of the dresser, I thought, “dare I?” It was $450. I hadn’t spent money on anything for a long, long time. I decided to go take a look. Maybe it wouldn’t even be there. But it was. And I fell in love. The seller came down to $350 and I said, “I’ll take it.” The moment the words came out of my mouth, happiness soared through me. I was giddy. I said I’d make arrangements for pick up and drove home—filled with excitement and anticipation. What would it look like in my bedroom? The idea of having adult, good quality bedroom furniture made me feel that deep happiness you only feel after waiting for, wanting, and working for something for a very long time.

The dresser looked just perfect in my bedroom. It felt magical. I took pictures of it and posted them on Facebook and sent them to my mom and sister. I switched out all of the clothes and jewelry from the old dresser to the new one. I stared at it. I loved it. I wanted to hug it and tell it I loved it. I hadn’t felt this kind of happiness in so long; I’d forgotten what it was like to be glowing inside—to have a dream be realized. Sure, it wasn’t a husband. It wasn’t a baby. But it was symbolic of change. Of growth. Of a turning point in my life. And it opened the floodgates.

I started to get back in touch with other dreams. I’ve always wanted a farmette. I have a natural yard, a pond, a creek and many mature trees on a half-acre in an unincorporated area. I have a garden and can my veggies, but there were things missing. Within a week, I was looking at the local animal shelter for rabbits. I saw one that I knew was meant to be mine. Her name was Sparkles, a nine-pounder—perfect for someone with two cats who might view a small rabbit as prey. I brought her home and, a few weeks later, I brought home her daughter, Snooper. My house smells like hay, my rec room is messy and their digging at my carpet will likely tear it up, but I’ve never been happier.

Other dreams emerged. I’d always wanted to grow fruit, so I bought two grape vines, a peach tree and a plum tree and they’re growing happily in my yard. I can just picture my kids picking the fruit and biting into it. I’ve also dreamed of having a few chickens and a coop. I know just where I want the coop to go. I’ve been getting wood from locals on freecycle.org and am trying to barter on Craigslist.org to have someone build a coop for me in exchange for stuff I no longer want. I can’t wait to have my chickens. They’re not a baby. They’re not a husband. But they’re another dream. One that I can make happen.

A Conversation with Michelle Ottey, Director of Operations, Fairfax Cryobank

by Jane Mattes

As the Director of SMC, I am often asked about statistics regarding single motherhood. Those statistics have been difficult to come by, but recently I had the opportunity to speak with Michelle Ottey, Director of Operations of Fairfax Cryobank, about a survey of their clients they conducted earlier this year. I now have some numbers to share with you.

Particularly helpful is that Fairfax didn’t lump all single women into the same statistical pool, as so often is the case in surveys of single mothers. They separated out the women who were, or were going to be, single mothers as we at SMC define the term, meaning they were planning on parenting alone, at least at the outset. The women described in the survey as “single” are “nonpartnered” rather than “not married” (which is often the way the term “single” is used in such surveys).

So, here are the numbers: out of 2000 total respondents 485 of the women who responded to the Fairfax survey were single. (The rest of the respondents, whose answers are not included here, were heterosexual or lesbian couples.)

Of the 485 single women who took part in the survey, 92% identified themselves as heterosexual, 6% were lesbians and 2% were bi-sexual. In terms of age, just 5% were between 20 and 30 years of age. 10% were between 31 and 34 years old, and the vast majority (84%) were over 35. Half that 84% were between 35 and 40 and the remaining 34% over 40.

This is a well-educated group. Half of the respondents have a master’s or higher degree, and 39% finished college. 9% had some college but no degree, and only 2% stopped their education after high school.

I asked Michelle about how many women purchased ID release sperm and how many bought anonymous donor sperm. She told me that 20% chose anonymous sperm, 33% chose ID release sperm, and 47% said either was acceptable. (Those who had no strong preference were more interested in other aspects of the donor’s profile than whether or not he was willing to be contacted once the child turned 18.)

The information rated as most important in the women’s choice of donor was infectious/genetic disease testing, particularly testing for HPV, followed by ethnicity, education, and the availability of an adult photo (in that order).

One of the most interesting questions (to me) in the survey asked about women’s plans to tell their children about how they were conceived. In the early days of SMC, this was a much more controversial issue than it is now. Some of our early members, especially those who were in the beginning stages of their journey (thinkers or tryers), were not sure that they would ever tell their child the true story of their conception. This tended to change when the child was born and became more of a real person and as women helped one another to find the words and get more comfortable with their stories. Ultimately, pretty much everyone decided it was best to be honest, but in those days it was not easy to think of how to tell a child what at the time was a very unusual story.

Things have changed. In the current Fairfax survey, a whopping 96% of the single women surveyed planned to discuss this with the child. Only 4% did not expect to ever tell the child. Interestingly, those who planned to talk about it anticipated the discussion happening at varying ages. Of the 96% who were planning to discuss it, 23% were going to start the discussion from birth. Another 25% said they were going to discuss it early on, before the child turned five. Almost a third (32%) planned to discuss it sometime between five and ten years of age, with 16% expecting to wait until the child was between ten and fifteen. About 2% of those who were going to talk about it were not going to discuss it until the late teens and 2% were going to wait until the child reached age 18.

Two other questions in the survey interested me: How women planned to deal with the issue of contact with the donor and with the donor siblings. The survey asked those who used ID release donors, who can be contacted once the child reaches 18, how they would handle the decision about contacting the donor. 85% said they would leave it up to the child to decide if s/he wanted contact or not, and14% said they would encourage the child to contact the donor. Only 1% said they would not encourage it. 43% had no interest in knowing their child’s donor siblings. Since this option is relatively new, it strikes me as likely that the percentage of women who are interested in it may grow, particularly as we learn more about donor sibling networks and groups.

In my conversation with Michelle, I also learned some important news. Fairfax is asking both ID release donors and anonymous donors to agree to stay in touch with Fairfax, and to regularly update their files (personal and family history, including health, occupation, etc.). This is important because the original profiles show the donor and his family’s history at a moment in time, a moment when the donor is quite young (and even his parents are relatively young).These updates will allow families that used a donor’s sperm to be informed if he learns about a genetic condition or disease after he donates, or if he changes his occupation and interests.

I hope this information is both interesting and useful to you as we continue to learn more about the SMC families and how they are evolving.

Many thanks to Michelle Ottey at Fairfax Cryobank for contributing to our growing knowledge about SMCs.

Probably Not The First Thing a Guy’s Expecting To Hear On a First Date

by Adeena Mignogna

“Really, I can’t figure it out. I know it has something to do with kids, but I’m not sure what it is,” said John (not his real name) many hours into our first date.

We’d met online, exchanging many emails before having this first date, which extended several hours beyond what either of us anticipated, over coffee. Even though I had kept a profile up at plentyoffish.com, my online dating site of choice, I had changed my status from “dating” to “looking for friends” just before my first insemination. I also added a note to my profile stating that I currently wasn’t dating due to “family issues” but that I was happy to chat with anyone and make new friends.

John initiated contact and sent me an email, acknowledging that he read that about I wasn’t dating but thought that we had so much in common. His email stood out amongst most of the awful one-line emails I received so I read his profile before responding. He wasn’t interested in dating a woman with kids.

I wrote him back and attempted to be my usual, witty self. I said I was glad I wasn’t dating, because although it seemed like we had a lot in common, I saw one major incompatibility. I didn’t say what that incompatibility was.

That led to all those emails and our first coffee date.

But this came after trying to date a string of guys who couldn’t handle my desire to TTC.

At the beginning of my TTC process, I thought about all the same questions I know other women with TTC plans have: Can I still date? Should I date? What should I tell the guy? Should I put my plans on hold? I wasn’t going to put my TTC plan on hold. And I never thought that I shouldn’t or couldn’t date, but I did wonder how much I should reveal. I wound up choosing the to be up front and honest about my TTC plans from the beginning. I saw no way around it. At the age of 35, it seemed normal for the topic of kids and why one did or didn’t have any to come up as a normal topic on a first or second date. It seems that both men and women want to root out incompatibilities right then and there, before getting too serious. No time to waste.

I dated two guys in row last summer while I was going from doctor’s appointment to doctor’s appointment preparing for the insemination. Guy #1 (who I’ll call Gary) and I were pretty compatible. We had many of the same interests and enjoyed doing the same things. He was divorced with three kids of his own and open to the idea of having more. (He was one of five kids himself and was perfectly happy with the idea of a large family.)

On the surface, Gary might have been the perfect guy to wait for to see how the relationship progressed. But no– after years of failed relationships, I wasn’t ready to trust after knowing and dating him for only a month that he was the one. Even though we were getting along great, I still didn’t know him that well and wasn’t comfortable delaying my plans for even one cycle.

On our first date, I was very open about the fact that I wanted kids and that was a priority. On our second date, I told Gary about my plans to become a Single Mother by Choice. His initial reaction was along the lines of “good for you…you go girl!” But when it came time for me to start my inseminations, he didn’t want to continue to date me. His divorce was too recent, for one. He wanted time alone with a significant other before a third party was brought in. Also, his ex-wife had had three miserable pregnancies and he couldn’t picture dating someone who was miserable for nine or more months. (I find that last part very amusing since as I write this at 30 weeks, I can report that I’ve been pretty active and have been lucky enough to have had amazingly few pregnancy “symptoms.”)

But because I was honest and he was honest, we parted on good terms and are still friends and chat every now and then. We even, as you’ll see, continued to see each other for a while.

Enter guy #2 who I’ll call Scott. Scott was the roommate of a good friend who I’d heard a lot about, but hadn’t met. When we finally did meet, there was definitely an attraction.

Scott was also divorced and had a daughter who lived out of state. He too was open to the idea of having more kids. As with Gary, I was pretty up front from date number two about my plans. And this time, I was much closer to implementing them. After only two weeks, Scott bailed on me because of my plans, and while I thought we’d remain friends, he immediately (as in two days later) proceeded to flirt right in front of me with other girls in our mutual social circle.

My first insemination was in mid September and when I didn’t get pregnant, Gary who I was sort of seeing was still around. But once I got pregnant from my second insemination, it was definitely over.

I still had my online profile up and guy #3, Jason, entered the picture. I was pregnant and told him so right away. It didn’t bother him in the least. Apparently, he had dated a pregnant woman before, one whose “baby daddy” was in the picture. That had created all sorts of drama; Jason was just happy that there was no other guy to worry about.

We went out on several dates, but honestly – I wasn’t that into him and it showed. We stopped seeing each other in early December.

It was just before Christmas that I met John and we had that coffee date. John enjoys puzzles and solving mysteries, so he wouldn’t let me tell him my “secret.” Not yet. Not till he got a few more guesses in. Eventually he gave up.

“Have you ever heard of those women?” I began. “The ones who decide they aren’t going to wait any longer for Mr. Right and go it on their own, finding an anonymous donor from a sperm bank?”

He shook his head, he’d heard of it.

“Well, I’m one of those women. And I’m eleven weeks pregnant.”

We talked about it for a little while. I told him how this was the result of my last couple of relationships failing and not feeling like I had time to waste. We discussed how I was not in the market for a father or even someone to “be pregnant” with — I already had my best friend lined up as my labor coach. And we discussed that he had never had any interest in having kids of his own.

I was fully prepared for him to say, “see ya!” but instead, we started to date in earnest. He was very accommodating, letting me choose the types of restaurants we would go to and deferring to my
energy level regarding other activities.

About once a month, we’d have a “what happens after the baby comes” conversation. Each time this discussion came up, we both acknowledged that we were on the same page – he didn’t want any parental responsibility and I wasn’t ready to give any to anyone. Given the tentativeness of our relationship, I remained interested in him, but somewhat emotionally detached because I thought that at any time, he’d decide he couldn’t date me anymore. But every month when we had this conversation, we always left it as a “we’ll see what things are really like after the baby comes.”

Until this last month. At 29 weeks into my pregnancy, he finally decided that he really couldn’t date me after the baby comes. He liked me a lot, but he couldn’t see how it could work. So it ended there. And at 29 weeks, with a baby coming in two months later, I really am done dating for a while. Maybe for a year or two!

Looking back, would I do things differently? Nope. I’m happy I was honest with these guys and even though things didn’t work out with John, the fact that we continually discussed it meant I wasn’t surprised or shocked or even hurt by his final decision. In the meantime, I spent most of my pregnancy enjoying the companionship and having fun with an interesting and intelligent guy.

by J. Chang

“Why are you dating?” a friend asked me one day, almost a year after the end of my last relationship. It struck me as an odd question. I thought, “Why shouldn’t I date? I’m a human being. Don’t all human beings want an intimate connection with someone?” She knew, of course, that I was also about to start trying to conceive a baby through donor insemination.

No more than a year earlier, at age 37, I had been desperately clinging to a relationship that felt like my last chance to have the “dream,” the one where you finally meet someone, marry him, have children together, and settle into a comfortable domestic happily-ever-after. I had ignored warning signs, avoided the nagging question of whether I really wanted to co-parent with this man, and dragged him to couples counseling, only to have things end one night when he finally said “It just isn’t working.” I felt this loss deeply. This was it, my last chance gone; I would be single and childless forever.

Months later, still grieving, still angry, still feeling the weight of intense post breakup loneliness, I crossed the street behind a young couple who worked together to get their baby stroller onto the curb. A wave of self-pity washed over me. “Why do THEY have this? Why don’t I have this? WHAT is WRONG with me that I don’t deserve this?”

The next morning I sat down for meditation and flipped open Resonate with Stillness, a collection of quotes from Gurumayi Chidvidlasananda, head of a spiritual lineage called Siddha Yoga. That day, I opened to a random page and saw these words:

Nothing comes easily. Some people do have a good destiny. It seems that everything comes to them very easily. But understand that they worked very hard for it in some other lifetime. So there is no need to become jealous or envious of others. You shouldn’t feel, “I am going through such a hard time, and everybody else is getting it so easily.” The crux of the matter is, nothing great comes easily. You have to work for it, you have to put forth effort. It is as simple as that. You must make the effort.

As I contemplated this, I reached some clarity about my situation. Perhaps we all arrive in this world with our respective baggage. Maybe my burden is heavier than yours; maybe mine refuses to fit in the overhead compartment. Envy and self-pity are a waste of time and energy. Comparing yourself to others just to feel inadequate is a waste of time and energy. Should I writhe around in the mire of self-pity my whole life, or instead, make my best efforts to become a better person, teacher, and friend, all in service to the universe that has given me not only my unique baggage but my unique set of blessings as well? I resolved to proceed with a positive attitude towards the life I wanted, one with a family. I began dating and TTC at the same time.

I did not really know how to go about this. I wondered, what do you say to your date? When do you say something? Will it become his weird dating story, to be repeated to all his friends? What if TTC is successful? Do you stop TTC if you meet someone you like? Many around me saw these as separate paths. You either try to meet someone, marry him, and have a child with him, or you go ahead with SMC and forget about dating.

This is probably what makes the “thinking” process of SMC-hood so hard. Many of us do feel like we have to relinquish and grieve the dream, then proceed with the hope that we might, if we are determined, resourceful, fertile, or lucky enough, have something that looks a bit different — single motherhood by choice. So, when I started dating and TTC, I had to clarify my priorities, for myself and perhaps for others. It comes down to this:

a) I am 38 and do not wish to wait any longer to have a baby.

b) I would regret missing out on motherhood more than missing out on marriage.

c) I am happy doing this alone; it is better than being miserable trying to do this with the wrong person.

d) I still want to meet someone, fall in love, and share my life with him.

e) That person does not have to be the co-parent of my baby, but he has to be someone I love and respect.

f) Having a baby could take a few years. Meeting a special person could take a few years. At my age it would be a shame to shut down either one of these possibilities right now.

So, I find myself in the strange situation of dating while TTC. It often feels like I am paddling upstream while straddling two canoes, each with its own separate sense of direction and momentum.

Once I had a cartoon on my fridge. In the cartoon, a mermaid is floating in the sea and speaking to her friend on the phone. Her speech bubble says, “Sure, there are plenty of fish down here. There’s also some plankton, a couple of clams, and a sea cucumber. That’s what dating feels like right now.

Within the first few weeks of being in this ocean, I had a sense of what was available. Date #1 was a very smart guy, early 40s, with no job security or health insurance. He could not lease an apartment, so he lived in his late grandma’s house. Date #2 was an unemployed musician who revealed that he prefers dating Asian women (he himself is not Asian). This I simply found creepy. Date #3 was a nice, self-employed musician who could not spell or punctuate, despite his degree from Northwestern.

Date #4 was a nerdy, intellectual  type. He was sweet and considerate. I genuinely liked his company, but there was no chemistry. He never expressed any physical intimacy beyond a clumsy pat on my arm. His poor posture bothered me; Ichabod Crane can be hot, but not Igor! And after four dates I felt I still knew so little about him. The most awkward thing, however, was when he asked why I was going to acupuncture. More than once I had to flub an answer. I am not good at lying and do not like being evasive, but I just did not know him well enough to say that I was going to acupuncture for fertility and that I was  about to start donor insemination. Things fizzled out and we both moved on.

Date #5, a man I never actually met, had an unusual name so I googled him, only to find out he had lied about his age and that a sexual harrassment lawsuit had been filed against him. Date #6 had his own kids and was the only one I told about TTC before we met. He was supportive, and even offered to go see The Backup Plan with me. His taste in movies notwithstanding, he was kind and empathetic. Yet, there was no chemistry; I never saw him a second time. Date #7 was a man with no career direction. He worked only so he could watch movies. We geeked out on films together, talking at length about Sirk and Visconti, but neither of us really wanted to date the other.

I’ve learned a few things. Men who want to form families look a lot more at women under 35 than over, even if they themselves are in their forties. When I was 34 and online dating, I picked from amongst many men who initiated contact with me. I met my ex-boyfriend almost right away. When we broke up I was 37, and when I reentered the online dating world, the tables had turned dramatically. Almost no men contacted me, and when I took the first step, I frequently never heard back.

Secondly, perhaps I am as undateable as the men I have met, but I am still as picky as ever. Despite the challenges of TTC and dating, I have no regrets about not “settling” earlier. Sure, I would rather work with fresh sperm than frozen, and have a man around to take care of things that involve furniture ,cars, and other large objects. While I am not afraid of doing this on my own, I do feel wistful when I think about never sharing this amazing journey with someone. Yet, I don’t see myself with someone who cannot spell. While I have the resources to start a family on my own, I still care about whether a man is pursuing a fulfilling vocation and if he can pull his own weight financially.

Of course, I keep trying. What I decided was that if I met someone promising I would tell him when I felt confident that he would treat this with empathy, respect, and compassion. I would consider suspending TTC if we both agreed that there was long-term potential. If he was dating just to date, in that non-committal way familiar to many women my age, I probably would not even bring it up.

On the day of my first insemination, I was invited to peruse a tiny amount of my donor’s sperm under a microscope. Some of the swimmers were moving quite vigorously, some were completely inert, and yet others were bumping around looking confused, not unlike a person who refuses to ask for directions. As I watched the swimmers I told myself “it only takes one.” That is the same thought
I have as I navigate the big dating ocean with its plentiful fish, plankton, and sea cucumbers. It only takes one.

Want to be a Contact Person for SMC in your area? The primary purpose of the CP is to welcome new members of SMC and to let them know what is happening on the local level. You may also want to contact current members and start organizing a local chapter meeting. As the CP, you could contact the local members and start to run local meetings or set up an organizational meeting for the local members where the roles and responsibilities of a local chapter are distributed amongst those who are interested in having an active chapter. If you’re interested, contact the SMC office at office@singlemothersbychoice.org.

NEW CONTACTS

Christy Duke is the new CP for Nashville, TN.
She can be reached at christysduke@gmail.com.

Susan Cooper is a new CP for the Fort Worth, TX area.
She can be reached at susandfw@hotmail.com or (817) 271-6455.

Stephanie Reitz is a new CP for Connecticut.
She can be reached at stephreitz@earthlink.net or (860)657-8729.

Andrea Buffkin is a new CP for California.
She can be reached at nikffubja@gmail.com or (650)336-4877.

Natalie Phelps is a new CP for southern Illinois.
She can be reached at batman_hay@yahoo.com or (618)997-3905.

Rhyn Davies is a new CP for Hawaii.
She can be reached at hi_rindy@hotmail.com or (808) 283-2023.

DONATIONS

SMC is a nonprofit 501(c)3 organization. In these difficult economic times, we especially need your contributions to ensure that we are able to continue our work. If you would like to contribute to SMC, please send your tax-deductible contribution to SMC, Box 1642, New York, NY 10028 if you are paying by check. If you would prefer to pay by credit card, you can do so via PayPal by either going to our renewal page (www.singlemothersbychoice.com/renew; scroll down to see the donation section) or by going right to PayPal and using the “send money” feature with the SMC email address (office@singlemothersbychoice.org) as the designated address. All contributions are tax deductible as permitted by law and all monies received will go to the fund. We will send you an acknowledgement  of your contribution upon receipt.

A Review of The Backup Plan
(directed by Alan Poul, 2010)

By Robyn Steiner

There were three good things about The Back-Up Plan: Jennifer Lopez’ charm, the popcorn, and finally seeing the credits roll at the end of the movie. The premise had potential. Jennifer Lopez decides to go with her “back-up plan,” and on the way out of the doctor’s office after being inseminated, she (surprise, surprise) meets Mr. Right. The rest of the movie really has very little to do with being a single mother.

Based on the previews I had seen prior to the movie, I did know that the movie was going to be about the relationship she develops with Mr. Right, but I also expected more of the film to be devoted to the single mother aspect of her journey. As those of us who have gone through the process know, there can be so much humor in the small, day to day moments of trying to conceive, from the actual insemination to the two week wait and the endless supply of home pregnancy tests. This movie completely missed that opportunity. Beyond the insemination, and the dog stealing the home pregnancy test before she can read the results, both of which were shown in the previews, there is really not much about the process of trying to conceive, or the pregnancy itself (aside from some predictable pregnancy weight jokes).

The portrayal of the Single Mothers and Proud group that J-Lo’s character joined went a little overboard. The group was stereotypical complete with lesbian relationships, extended breastfeeding, and water births. But, the characters in the group actually provided most of the entertainment in the movie. Was it slightly offensive? Sure. But deep down, we all know one of those completely stereotypical people. It brought some humor to an otherwise dull movie.

Overall, the movie is a lighthearted romantic comedy that completely fails to address the single mother aspect of J-Lo’s back-up plan. Ladies, wait for the DVD.

Spring has sprung and there are lots of new arrivals! Congratulations to all our new moms! If you have a new baby announcement to share send the information to lauisaser@gmail.com. Be sure to include all the vital statistics.

Rada Lankina is pleased to announcethe birth of her lovely daughter, Sophie Nicole Lankina, on Tuesday, March 9 at 2:27 pm in Washington, DC. Sophie weighed 7 Ibs and measured 20.5 inches long. Rada writes, “Sophie is beautiful and needless to say I am thrilled!”

Carolyn Howard welcomes into the world Geordi Renay Howard, born on March 23 2010, 54cm, 3.75kg, in Perth Western Australia. He is beautiful. I am so lucky to have you Geordi. May you have a wonderful life; you are the fulfillment of a lifelong dream.

Jessica Tudos new son sent the following message: After an extended stay in my mommy’s belly (41.5 weeks of warmth and comfort!!),I, Sebastian Fisher Tudos, decided it was time to say hi to all of you! As an Aries man, I’m kinda used to doing things in my own way—just ask my mom (who’s also Aries)—so thanks for being patient.

I was born April 10th, weighing in @ 7.12 lbs with dark curly hair and some serious eyebrows. I am getting used to life on the outside with my grandparents, auntie Vanessa and big cousin Aidan – it is one full house! Can’t wait to meet you all!

Alissa and Ashtyn Cohen are thrilled to announce the birth of the newest member of the family, Jonas Elijah Cohen. He arrived on January 14, 2010 weighing in at 8 lbs. 6 oz. and measuring 21 inches. The doors to our hearts and home have been open, just waiting for his arrival.

Sheri Cohen is extremely proud to announce the birth of her daughter, Chloe Rose Cohen, born April 17th, 2010. Mom’s water trickled at 7:45 in the morning and then broke three times in Grandma’s car on the way to the hospital. After mom’s water breaking three more times, Chloe was born at 10:46 in the morning weighing 8lbs 1oz. This is the best birthday present I could have ever asked for!!

Jill Gosselink is thrilled to announce the birth of her precious little girl, Josie Evangeline Gosselink. She was born on March 22, 2010, weighing 6 lbs. 5 oz. and measuring 19 inches.

Kathy Woirol is thrilled to announce the birth of her son. Griffin James Woirol was born March 5, 2010 at 7lbs, 8 oz and 20″ long. Joy Pierce became a first-time mom when she adopted a baby boy on April 10, 2010. She witnessed his arrival into the world on April 9, 2010 at 9:52am. His name is Grayson Lee Pierce.

Elna Miller is beyond thrilled to announce the birth of twins Marissa Rae (4lbs 10oz) and Julianne Amelia (6lbs 14oz) on January 22, 2010. After 5 long years of TTC struggles and a difficult pregnancy, I am so grateful that they are here, healthy and beautiful.

ABOUT THIS NEWSLETTER

This newsletter is published quarterly by Single Mothers by Choice Inc., a nonprofit founded in 1981. Annual subscriptions to this newsletter are included free with a membership ($55 for first year, $35 for renewal) or by subscription at $25 per year. Give a friend a gift. We are a nonprofit 501(c) corporation, and donations are tax deductible to the extent allowed by law.

We welcome submissions of original material. All material is published at thediscretion of SMC and may be edited. SMC claims sole editorial authority and responsibility for the contents. Articles published in this newsletter represent the views of the author and not necessarily that of SMC. Send submissions to Laura Isabel Serna at the SMC office or by email to lauisaser@gmail.com.

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Jane Mattes, CSW, the publisher of the newsletter, is the founder of SMC and author of Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood. Jane is also a psychotherapist and can be reached at (212) 988-0993, at mattes@pipeline.com, or at the SMC office at Box 1642, Gracie Square Station, New York, NY 10028.

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