Table of Contents
From the Editor
Fall is here! Fall is here! My favorite time of year! It means jeans and boots and warm fires and comfy sweaters. It also brings ghosts and goblins and things to be grateful for in our lives. In this issue we consider being alone, but not. Choices that are our own, but maybe not. And dive into some good books. Do you have a book or story to share? If you do, please do share! You can email me at ctabel@hotmail.com.
Alone ― But Not Alone
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When you become a Single Mother by Choice, you expect to do a lot of things alone. In fact, a lot of the thinking and trying stage seems ALL about being alone. Deciding alone to go for it. Attending fertility appointments alone. Being alone with your doubts and disappointments. Being pregnant alone. Most of us have supportive friends and family, but when we hang up the phone, log off the chat, close the door, climb between the sheets, lay in the dark, we are alone again.
Thank God I’m one of those people who think that’s a good thing. Being alone through my journey has meant I’ve been able to take it at my own pace. I’ve been happy when I wanted to be happy, grouchy when it felt right, pregnant and lazy and elated and calm. Whenever I wanted, I felt what I needed to feel, did what I needed to do, with no one to second-guess my decisions, resent my emotions or influence my thoughts.
Whenever I wanted, I felt what I needed to feel, did what I needed to do, with no one to second-guess my decisions
Which is all well and good until I needed to put a leaf in my dining room table for my daughter’s 3rd birthday party. I do a lot of things alone. I made the cake alone – double layer chocolate, in a strawberry shape, with pink and green icing. Masterful. I hung the streamers from corner to corner to corner to corner alone. Blew up 23 balloons alone, bravely continuing even after balloon number eight burst in my face after one breath too many. I wasn’t quite alone when I did the fruit and cheese trays, but the presence on my hip of daughter #2, seven months old, is less helpful than you’d hope. I cleaned the house alone and wrapped birthday presents alone – no problemo. But the dining room table stymied me. To open it to insert the leaf, you have to pull from both sides of the table. Pull it from only one side and the whole table simply slides toward you. The last time I’d opened it had been for a family dinner, and said family had been there to help. This time, well, not so easy. The table is solid and stiff, with one broken leg that falls off when the table is moved so much as an inch. I tried to pry the table open with a screwdriver, but risked damaging the wood. Finally, the kids long since in bed on the night before the party, I lay on the floor under the table and put my toes in the crack in the middle of the table, with my back against the floor. I braced my hands on two of the table’s legs and pushed with my feet, slowly prying the table open like a weightlifter doing a leg press at the gym. Voila! Genius.
The party was a roaring success. Seven preschoolers decorated sugar cookies (that I’d baked ahead of time, alone) and played without conflict and sang happy birthday, and my girl was thrilled by it all – the cake and the candles, the balloons and streamers, the presents and the song. She said please and thank you and expressed only delight even when she got two books and a play-doh set that we already have. (Having requested previously loved and re-gifted presents only, getting doubles is guilt-free for me, too). The other parents helped hold the baby and serve the cake and clean up afterward, and it was a lovely two hours.
But the damn dining room table faced me again when everyone went home. I ignored it all day, but it was too big and the leaf needed to come out. This time it was even harder. It needed to be yanked from both sides to release the leaf, and then pushed back together, from both sides, to restore its smaller size. I waited until after the baby was in bed and the 3-year-old was safely in front of Dora before I tackled the table that night. I pried it carefully open from beneath the table (where scratches would not show) with a screwdriver and my fingernails to release the leaf, and lifted the heavy slab out. To push it back together, I moved the whole table against a wall so I’d have a brace, and muscled it slowly, smoothly, inching it back to its former size. Moving the broken leg inch by inch during the whole operation only added to the fun.
The funny thing is, I didn’t end up doing it alone. As I wrestled with the table, my big little girl drew away from Dora and Swiper, watchful and intrigued by mommy’s activity in the dining room. She played with balloons and talked to her dinosaurs and did the things that 3 year olds do, just at the periphery of my table project. She’s been underfoot for three years, and there is often a baby near by, and I am so used to NOT being alone anymore that I didn’t really register her presence until I pushed the table across the room and back together with a soft clunk. And before I could even stand back to bask in my small accomplishment, before I could quite register my triumph, my newly three year old, my watchful, funny, chatty little girl piped up and said “You did it, mommy!”
Where did she come from and who knew she cared? When did I go from being alone all of the time to never being alone at all? How is it I’ve now got two little companions to keep me company, to cheer me up, to cheer me on? I have no idea how I went from being an autonomous woman, a Single Mother by Choice, to being captain of this little band of people, this dream team, my threesome of girls. But I’m glad I got here. I honestly never minded being alone. And now? Now I never will be.
The Things Kids Say!
No doubt about it – our kids are adorable and funny. Need proof? Just read the things they say.
We were watching America’s Got Talent and there was a couple dancing.
My son (5) said: “What are they doing?”
I said: “I think they are doing the salsa.”
My son said: “But I don’t see any red.”
…..
My 5 year old son said to me:
“Mommy, when you get old, you will get broken, but the doctors will put you back together like a puzzle!”
So sweet!
…..
Lauren: “We have 4 vaginas in our house. You, me, Miss Haley, and Kamiya cat.”
Nice.
…..
We had Babybel cheese today.
Me: The red wrapper is wax.
J: Earwax?
Me: No! Not ear wax!
J: Ear wax from dead ears
?????!!!
…..
Z: Mom, how old are you?
Me: 45.
Z: 45?! Can you even count that much?
…..
G: Mom, take your glasses off. I want to see what you look like.
Me: <I take glasses off> What do I look like?
G: A normal person.
Me: What do I look like with my glasses on?
G: Yourself.
…..
My son this morning, “I want to get a big bottom so I can go on the big toilet.”
…..
My daughter to her uncle who is currently visiting – at dinner last night:
“I haven’t seen you naked yet!”
“He’s Like A Dad”
By Cheri Tabel
Earlier this year I met a nice guy. A really nice guy. And from the beginning, I saw it all … the marriage, the house, the blended family. But I got scared and slowed things down. Thankfully the nice guy hung in there until I could right-side myself and it’s been a wonderful eight months (but who is counting?) together.
A few months after meeting the nice guy, my son said, “he’s like a Dad.” And this scared me all over again. My first half-witted reaction? To quit seeing the nice guy. The fear was back and wanting to prevent my son from getting hurt. Because that’s what all my previous relationships resulted in *for me* – a painful ending.
Instead of reacting from fear, though, I was smart enough to take a deep breath and ask him, “what does ‘like a Dad’ mean to you?”
There was a pause and then he said, “well, he’s nice to me.” All I could do was nod and affirm that feeling.
“Like a Dad”
What does that mean to me? To consider someone co-parenting my child? I haven’t wrapped my head around that. We’re nowhere near that. At least, mentally I’m not. Earlier this week, in fact, my back went up when the nice guy commented that he didn’t “have a problem” with a choice I made for my son.
I’ve made every single choice in my son’s 10 years of living. In the early days that meant choices about his name, sleep schedules, crying it out, diapers and daycares. Now it means nannys, bedtimes, extracurricular activities and nutrition.
10 years of choices that are mine. To own, to be proud of, to curse. I sometimes wonder if I could do it any other way. To let someone make a decision or have input to a decision for him.
I sometimes wonder if I could do it any other way. To let someone make a decision or have input to a decision for him.
Recently the nice guy was teaching my son how to do something. My son was struggling and couldn’t quite get it. I could see he wanted to quit. The nice guy wouldn’t let him. I wanted to tell my son it was ok, he didn’t need to keep trying. But instead I stepped back and watched the two of them. The nice guy encouraging him, not letting my son give up or get too frustrated. It took a while, but my son finally got it. And what a grin there was on his face when he did.
Every choice. Mine. But now I see that maybe, just maybe there might be something to find in someone else’s choice.
And that might be nice.
What’s the Buzz?
Book Review – Ruby’s Story: An Embryo Adoption Journey
Ruby’s Story: An Embryo Adoption Journey is a children’s picture book about embryo adoption. Co-authored by W. Kathyrn Clark and Joanna Cutrara, with illustrations by Steve Kim, Ruby’s Story is based on Ms. Clark’s journey to have a child as a single mother by choice through embryo adoption. In the story, the mother recounts her journey to become pregnant to her five year old daughter, Ruby, which includes an explanation of the embryo adoption process.
While there may be children’s book available on embryo adoption, it is rare to find one appropriate for use by a SMC and her family. Ruby’s Story is a vibrant and honest telling of a complex subject. The book was created for the author to use with her nephews and nieces and her own children in the future, but is very relevant for SMCs or any family who has had children through embryo adoption.
Available on Amazon:
http://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/0990348202/ref=smi_www_rcolv2_go_smi?ie=UTF8&redirect=true
Book News
From the editor: I’ve started a terrific book, Texas Girl by Robin Silbergleid, and want to share it with you! From the book write-up: “At twenty-seven years old, Robin Silbergleid decided to become a single mother. Not as a backup or ‘Plan B,’ but as a first choice. In her memoir Texas Girl, she raises fundamental questions about the nature of family and maternity at the turn of the twenty-first century. At a moment when SMCs grace the covers of magazines and Hollywood films, Texas Girl adds the perspective of someone who boldly side-steps the social expectation for a woman to take a life-partner before she has a child. Beginning with a metaphorical conception, Texas Girl charts a long four-year journey, including infertility, miscarriage, and high-risk pregnancy, traveling from Indiana to Texas and back to the snowy north. In this compelling coming-of-age narrative, Silbergleid explores the notion of the chosen family, as close female friends provide perspective, support, and comic relief along the way. A must-read for anyone contemplating single motherhood, this bitingly honest memoir will resonate with anyone concerned with the vital feminist issue of what reproductive choice really means and the obstacles we face in pursuit of it.”
I’m thoroughly enjoying this book and would love for you to join me. Texas Girl is available on Amazon here: http://smile.amazon.com/Texas-Girl-Memoir-Robin-Silbergleid/dp/1927335388/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1412989908&sr=1-1&keywords=texas+girl
Start reading and then find the book discussion on the Forum in Community, Texas Girl for a virtual book club discussion. See you there!
Remember!
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https://smile.amazon.com/ch/11-2664913
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Want to be a Contact Person for SMC in your area? The primary purpose of the CP is to welcome new members of SMC and to let them know what is happening on the local level. The CP may also assist in setting up organizational meetings for new members and organizing local chapter meetings. The roles and responsibilities of a local chapter often are distributed amongst those who are interested in having an active chapter. If you’re interested, contact the SMC office at smc-office@pipeline.com.
NEW CPS:
San Francisco, CA: Katie Crouch, katie.crouch@gmail.com
Scottsdale, AZ: DeDe Sandler, dedesandler@yahoo.com
Kansas City, MO: Jenna Nelson, njenna@hotmail.com
Natick, MA (Boston Chapter) : Michele Elms, michelepas2001@yahoo.com
Arrivals
Remember to notify us when you become a mother! If you have someone new in the house please send the information to ctabel@hotmail.com.
Michelle Andrews is proud to announce the birth of her beautiful baby boy, Samuel Frost Andrews, who was born on April 4, 2014. It was the best day of her life!
Sharon Gordon proudly announces the birth of her son, Phinn Brandon, born on July 6, 2014 at 9:37 AM. 7 lb 8.8 oz., 20 1/4 in. “He is a dream come true, although at times it is still hard to believe he is really here.”
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