Fall is my favorite season. It’s the time of year we are able to see things as they are, with trees laid bare and the blooms no longer present. The sunrises are brighter, the sunsets blazing. In this issue we look at things are they are – from how we refer to our donor, to kids who are no longer little. Yes, in fall we see things as they are and are grateful for them.

Do you have a story to share or have a request for a story? You can email me at ctabel@hotmail.com.

The dictionary defines “father” as this:
noun
1. a male parent.
2. a father-in-law, stepfather, or adoptive father.
3. any male ancestor, especially the founder of a family or line; progenitor.
4. a man who exercises paternal care over other persons; paternal protector or provider:
5. a person who has originated or established something:
6. a precursor, prototype, or early form:
7. one of the leading men in a city, town, etc.

What isn’t included in this definition? Sperm donor. The very definition of father is based on some type of relation, blood or otherwise, or leader – denoting a relationship of sorts.

I have never referred to my son’s donor as his father. I may have referred to him as my son’s “other half,” but never as a father. And I’ve always been especially clear with my son that he has a donor and not a father. I see him struggle with this terminology. In his world he sees men who create and/or care for children and those men are labeled “father.” If he uses the words “dad” or “father” when referring to his donor, I gently correct him and we talk about the differences between “donor” and “father.”

“Donors have numbers. Fathers have names.”

In a recent thread on the SMC Forum, a member posted about a new co-worker who insisted on referring to her child’s donor as his “biological father.” An experience common for many of us.

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“I recently moved to a new job and have a new clinic manager. I like her and we frequently have little chats. She asked me pretty quickly after I started where my son’s dad was and I explained that I used a donor. Twice since that time she has referred to the donor as my son’s father. I have corrected her both times saying he has a donor, not a father, but in this last conversation she kept insisting it was his biological father and actually said, “just like a kid whose parents are never married and mom takes the kid away, dad never has contact until the kid gets in touch with dad at age 18.”

Am I being too sensitive that this bothers me so much?
I have always planned to use the term donor with my son and that is still my plan.”

…..

Responses from members on this topic were very supportive. All who responded understood what this was upsetting. Many others encouraged a conversation with the co-worker to explain why the words used mattered.

Some responders noted that the use of “biological father” when referring to sperm donors might be a generational issue. For people who are older, and for whom donor insemination is a new and foreign concept, the term might be the closest way for them to relate, explain or understand.

For others, using “biological father” might be more comfortable language than sperm donor. We know the type ― the ones who can’t say “sperm donor” without giggling or guffawing.

Jane Mattes, founder SMC, offered this advice: “Perhaps it might help to view it in terms of science? Clearly, everyone has a biological father, and so some folks might get hung up when we say there is no father. Kids in school will also insist that so-and-so has to have a father, once they learn about the birds and bees and realize that it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby.”

“It might be easier for people to ‘get’ it if we acknowledge that we understand that everyone has a biological father, but that we don’t use the term ‘bio-father’ or ‘father’ in our family because we don’t want our child to get it confused with ‘Dad,’ and we want to be sure our child understands that they were conceived via donor sperm, and that there isn’t a father floating around somewhere who might appear one day.”

And that’s the key. We cannot change other people and the words they choose to use. We *can* educate those around us on why these words matter. As our child’s advocate, protector-in-chief, and mama bear, we want to make sure they don’t find themselves a victim of false hope or fantasy.

This week at his annual well check, my son measured exactly five feet tall. The next day I attended his last elementary school Halloween party and on the way out was handed his fifth grade school photos. I stopped in my tracks when I saw the young man looking back at me in the photo. Broad shoulders, curly hair now darker than when he was born, a face maturing with no trace of the little boy in my mind’s eye. This small human of mine is no longer my baby.

I say to him, “what happened to my baby,” way too often. He always just grins and shrugs his shoulders. I’m not sure what I expect him to say. There is nothing either of us can do about this fact ― he is indeed a growing, happy, healthy young man. That’s the goal, right? When we have our children the desire is to see them grow and mature into their best possible selves. Why, then, do I find myself bemoaning his growth so frequently?

For many years, the dream was to be a mother. And while logically that meant raising a child, so much of my thinking stage was consumed with having a baby. Meaning, thinking through the logistics of child care, nursing, sleepless nights, illness and all things tiny human related. For me, being a single mother by choice, meant having a baby on my own.

And now that baby is months away from finishing elementary school. He is a few years from obtaining a driver’s permit. In eight years he will be at college.

And I realize this was the part I didn’t prepare for when thinking of becoming a single mother by choice. I didn’t consider the tween or teen years. I couldn’t imagine my child leaving home for college. It was impossible to imagine that one day the child of my dreams would be eye to eye with me.

So maybe I bemoan the loss of my “baby,” because this part feels so unknown. So uncharted. It isn’t about him. It’s about me finding a new identity. For so long my identity was tied to being a single mother by choice. That identity is now changing to single mother of a young man. The choice part is giving way to the work of guiding him to adulthood.

Instead of asking out loud what’s happened to my baby, my goal now is to smile, give him a big hug and tell him how much I love him. All of him.

“Ask the Doctor” is a brand new feature in our Newsletter. The column will be written by experts who are affiliated with the wonderful sperm banks and fertility centers who are our long-term advertisers. If you have a question to ask our doctors, please send it to SMC-office@pipeline.com.

What would the doctor recommend patients do to boost fertility? Things such as baby aspirin to help with implantation, any foods etc. that help improve the lining of the uterus?

This is a very important question that a lot of patients trying to conceive are interested in.

Let us begin with some of the most commonly studied factors: diet/supplements, caffeine, smoking, alcohol, and drugs. There is very little solid evidence to support any particular diet (vegetarian, vegan, low-fat), or supplement (anti-oxidants, herbs) having a significant effect on fertility. That being said, you should make sure your physician is aware of any supplements (over the counter vitamins, herbs. etc.) that you are using so they can be carefully assessed on an individual basis. Also, as you are trying to conceive you should be taking at least 400 mcg daily of folic acid.

In terms of caffeine consumption, the general rule of thumb is that 1-2 cups of coffee daily before and during pregnancy do not decrease fertility or cause adverse outcomes. That is the equivalent of 250 grams of caffeine a day, and the estimate of your use should include other sources of caffeine as well, such as decaffeinated coffee, chocolate, tea, sodas, energy water, breath fresheners, etc.

We also know that, in addition to their increased risk of developing lung cancer, cervical cancer, bladder cancer, heart and lung disease, and osteoporosis, active and passive smokers take longer to achieve conception.

As long as alcohol consumption is limited to 1 drink daily there is no overwhelming evidence that it affects fertility. However, it is crucial that all consumption is discontinued as soon as pregnancy is achieved, since a safe alcohol level has not been established for pregnancy and its effects on fetal development can be detrimental and life-long. Furthermore, the use of marijuana, cocaine, heroin, and other recreational drugs should be avoided as it negatively affects fertility, as well as fetal development and pregnancy outcomes.

Weight also plays a very important role in fertility. Both underweight and overweight patients have lower pregnancy rates. During both weight extremes the brain, through intricate hormonal mechanisms, signals the rest of the body to shuttle energy away from the reproductive system. In addition, overweight and obese women are more likely to have menstrual irregularities and be affected by polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), where hormonal aberrations lead to immature ovulation and a cascade of events hindering fertility. Since pregnancy is always accompanied by weight gain and increased weight is positively correlated with obstetrical and neonatal complications, the pre-pregnancy weight should be as close to the ideal body weight for height as possible.

Weight loss or gain for patients on either extreme of the spectrum is undeniably challenging. It is thus essential that you work with your reproductive endocrinologist, nutritionist, and/or therapist to begin addressing some of the underlying issues. Do not underestimate the power of any change. You do not have to begin with a 20lb loss or gain; setting small and attainable goals is definitely more realistic and can make a big difference.

Several studies have evaluated the effects of environmental exposures on fertility and pregnancy, with conflicting results. In a nutshell, evidence shows that individuals consistently exposed to dry cleaning solvents, printing industry chemicals, lead, industrial microwaves, and high doses of bisphenol A, or who use herbicides, can experience a higher rate of infertility. All environmental exposures should be mentioned to your physician and discussed individually.

And then there is…stress…Trying to achieve a healthy pregnancy can in and of itself be very stress-provoking, at the same time that we are asking patients to minimize stress in their lives. We know that extreme amounts of chronic stress lead to hormonal signals that can decrease fertility. But does day-to-day stress do the same? The answer remains unclear but anything that can be done to decrease stress can only help. There are several effective treatment options, and a lot of them are specifically geared towards fertility, so patients and providers should not hesitate to initiate discussion and evaluation.

We can safely conclude that maintaining a healthy body and a positive attitude during this whole process will only increase your chance of achieving a healthy pregnancy. Please do not hesitate to seek medical attention for any of these issues.

Vasiliki A. Moragianni, MD, MS, FACOG is an award-winning reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist at the Genetics & IVF Institute in Fairfax, VA. Dr. Moragianni is passionate about providing individualized, state-of-the-art fertility care to individuals and couples who wish to build a family.

http://www.givf.com/aboutgivf/medicalteam.shtml#moragianni

No doubt about it – our kids are adorable and funny. Need proof? Just read the things they say.

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Not sure if this is cute or scary…
Daughter: Mom, Ssshhhh. You are interrupting the voice in my head.

…..

Yesterday I wore a new pair of jeans with a patchwork design on them. Brendan did a double take when he saw them. He asked me to sit down and then said “We need to have a serious talk about your questionable fashion choices.”

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Highlight of our morning discussion of superheroes: Rian “I’m a supermarket!” – the kid really does like his food.

…..

G: Mama, remember last time we had to get ready for kindergarten in the night time? That’s soooo inconvenient!

Me: It wasn’t night, it was morning. Remember how the Earth turns and seasons change? It’s about to be fall. In fall it stays dark longer in morning and gets dark earlier at night.

G: Well that’s lame.

…..

While eating french fries, “Is the outside the french and the inside the fry?”

During the same meal, she started telling me I needed to get married so she could be like her friend.

Me: Do you know there are all different kinds of families, some families with a mom, some with a dad, blah-blah-blah about all the different variations of parents…

Her: And some families have three dogs!

One night she asked me what it means to get fired. I tried to explain nicely what that meant, then she asked if you get set on fire. (Thankfully no!)

…..

Kid (with sheer delight): “Mommy, we are both not wearing panties together.”

Backstory: we were on our way to the pool wearing swimsuits under our dresses.

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On our way into work today my daughter was singing, “I wish you a merry Christmas.” I commented that I like that song and she replied, “Thanks, I made it up.”

…..

Boys are playing outside, pants are sliding down…

Me: Boys, pull your pants up please

Mason (pulls them up and keeps playing): ok

Me: Ethan, pull your pants up please

Ethan: my pants are just fine mommy!

…..

I let my son play with my phone (he was listening to music) for the 5 minute drive to pick sister up from Brownies. I asked for it back when we got there. There was protesting.

I said, ” I need my phone back now.”

E: Where’s my phone?

Me: You don’t have your own phone. You are four. When you are a grown up you can have your own phone.

E: (frustrated grunting noise). Well, Mommy, when you die, these phones are going to be OURS!!

(Watching my back now…)

Important Information on Your Membership : Tips and Tricks for our New System Update

Everyone now has two different user profiles with SMC. The SingleMothersbyChoice.org profile gives you online access to your local Members Directory and our Newsletter Archive. The Forum profile gives you access to the SMC Forum.

Account 1 : User Profile on www.SingleMothersbyChoice.org

This account is accessible on our website by clicking on the “Members Resources” tab in the upper right corner of the SMC website, and then clicking “Member Login”.
http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/member-login/

NOTE: Your Username and email address for this SMC.org profile are the same as on the Forum. However, your password was NOT automatically updated.

**Note to Members who signed up for an SMC membership before Aug. 2015**
On your www.SingleMothersbyChoice.org account, you can access the Local Directory for your area, and our Newsletter Archive. You will need to get a password for this account. To do so, click the ‘Forgot Password’ link. You will then receive an email with a temporary password. After you log in under Member Resources with this temporary password, you can then create a permanent password for your SMC.org profile by going to ‘Edit Profile’ under that same ‘Member Resources’ drop down menu.

To make it easier to remember, we recommend that you use the same password as the one you use for the Forum.

This new feature will eliminate the need for a new password each time a Newsletter comes out, and will give you online access to the most recent Members Directory for your area and to the entire Newsletter archive.

Account 2: Forum Account

To login to your Forum account, highlight ‘Members Resources’ on our main web page and click on ‘Forums’. Login using the temporary Information that you signed up with. If you are unable to login this way, go through our ‘Forgot Password’ system, and login with the temporary information you are sent via email.

If you’d like to change your password once you login, scroll down to the list of forum topics, and click on “User Control Panel” in the upper left corner of the forum homepage, highlighted in a green box. Click on the “Profile Tab” (in blue), and then “Edit Account Settings” on the left task bar also under the solid blue sidebar. Here you can enter a your new password, and click submit.

We suggest that you keep your passwords for both account the same to avoid any confusion.

Please also note, that you do not NEED to access your forum account if you do not wish to be a member of our forums. The Forum account is set up automatically when you join, but you are not required to use it.

For any assistance, please contact us at smc-office@pipeline.com

Research Request

Respected researchers at Wellesley and Middlebury Colleges
are seeking parents and their children (10+) conceived through sperm donor, egg donor or embryos for interviews.

We are looking for families to interview in person in the New Year. We will be in Texas, Chicago and the New York/NJ area during the first quarter of 2016.

We are interested in learning answers to a range of questions including who people consider part of their family and how donor conception is shaping a new meaning of family and kinship. We are especially interested in social and genetic understandings of kinship. We also explore how the children of these families think about their connections, both to the members of the families in which they are raised (parents and siblings) and, when they exist, to their sperm and/or egg donors as well as their genetic half-siblings.

Changes in the Internet and social media have made it easier for people to find one another. This research explores what has happened as a result of these social and technological developments. When possible we will interview multiple families who share the same donor. We are also seeking to interview donors when possible. Interviews take about an hour unless you have a longer story to tell.

Research is funded by the National Science Foundation (2014-2016)
Study approved by institutional review boards at Wellesley College and Middlebury College [Confidentiality and Anonymity are assured]

If you are interested, please contact either
Professor Rosanna Hertz (rhertzinterviews@wellesley.edu) or Margaret K. Nelson (Mnelson@middlebury.edu). We are happy to answer additional questions about this project.

Information about the CoPIs: 
Rosanna Hertz is a sociologist who has been at Wellesley College for 34 years. Most recently she wrote a book called, Single by Chance, Mothers by Choice, which looks at women who decided to become mothers through various routes including sperm donors (known and unknown) and adoption. She has been working on topics connected with being donor conceived since 1995 and she has also written with Jane Mattes, founder of the Single Mothers by Choice Organization.

Margaret K. Nelson is a sociologist at Middlebury who has worked on the topic of families for even longer. She has written about carework, single rural mothers, and most recently helicopter parenting in her book Parenting Out of Control: Anxious Parents in Uncertain Times. She has also written about the relationships that form among people who consider themselves to be “like family”.

Nan’s Donut Dilemma

This delightful picture book by first-time author Mary Ryan, speaks to the many children whose families aren’t a traditional mom-and-dad model. It is a joyful and upbeat story with a charming and lovable character.

Click here to view and purchase this book:  Nan’s Donut Dilemma

Want to be a Contact Person for SMC in your area?

The primary purpose of the CP is to welcome new members of SMC and to let them know what is happening on the local level. The CP may also assist in setting up organizational meetings for new members and organize local chapter meetings. The roles and responsibilities of a local chapter often are distributed amongst those who are interested in having an active chapter. If you’re interested, contact the SMC office at smc-office@pipeline.com.

Please Welcome our Newest CP’s: 

NYC Chapter: Jennifer Cruz, jcruz531@yahoo.com

Dominican Republic: Gaby Perez, gabrielaperez18@gmail.com

Atlanta, GA: Ami Rosen, rosena08@hotmail.com

North Yarmouth, ME: Jesse Robinson, jessecookrobinson@gmail.com

Los Angeles, CA: Julie Stevens, julie@juliestevens.com

Remember!

The Holiday Season is upon us, and there’s something that might make you feel even better about your holiday shopping online. When shopping on Amazon, Single Mothers by Choice is an official SMILE organization, meaning that anyone who shops at Amazon via the link below will automatically generate a donation from Amazon to SMC. Shop, shop, shop! And thanks for your support.

https://smile.amazon.com/ch/11-2664913

SMC Donation
If you would like to make a tax-deductible donation to SMC, we are a non-profit 501.3c organization. You can donate anywhere on the SMC website by clicking on the “Donate” button or send a check to SMC, PO Box 1642, NY NY 10028. We appreciate all donations, large or small, and we will send you a letter of acknowledgement promptly after we receive your donation.

Remember to notify us when you become a mother! If you have someone new in the house please send the information toctabel@hotmail.com.

Heidi would like to announce the birth of her son, Michael Antonio, born July 18th at 8 pounds, 10 ounces.

I would like to announce the birth of Phoenix Emet Alexander Reich on August 29th, 2015 at 8 pounds, 2 ounces.

Justine Siobhan Taylor was born on 10/29/15 @ 6:07pm. She was 20 inches long and weighed 7 lbs 0.5 oz. She is a blessing, and I am immensely grateful to everyone who supported me along the way.

-Heather Taylor

I am so happy to announce the arrival of my daughter Cassandra Lynne, born on August 21st. It took two years of trying, but my bundle of joy is here and I couldn’t be happier.

-Christine V

Yvonne would like to introduce her precious baby boy Oscar. He entered the world five weeks early, on August 29th, weighing 4 pounds 11 oz. He’s already proven he’s strong and brilliant.

Alex David Greenamyre arrived on May 12, 2015. He is a dream come true and I just love being a mom!

-Julie Greenamyre
San Diego, California

Congratulations to all our new SMCs!