Happy New Year! (A little late.)

With a new year, usually comes the dreaded “R” word – Resolution. I’ve made and broken quite a few myself …um, already, if I’m being totally honest.

During all that resolving, I have noticed that now that my boys are a year old, my resolutions have changed. Shouldn’t be a surprise by now, right? Having kids changes everything. Yes. True. But what’s amazing is the teeny details that change.

For instance: I resolved to choose the right shoes for my work ensembles the night before. Believe me, I know how that sounds. As many of you can attest, washing, feeding and clothing yourself and other tiny headstrong humans can make your mornings rough. Instead of making a big resolution to get up earlier (because that’s not happening), I looked at where I spent the most time in the mornings.

The time it takes getting the boys ready is kind of out of my hands. Sometimes it’s quick, sometimes they fuss. So the twins aside, my mornings are taken up with shoes, namely hunting down the pair of shoes I’ve decided will go with whatever outfit is semi-formed in my head.

Now I realize some of this may be a product of my overall shoe organization skills. But that’s another resolution for another year. This year, we pick out shoes the night before! And I have to say, so far, so good.

The moral is this: With lives that are brimming over with Things To Do and Not Enough Time, make it easier on yourself this year. If change is your resolution, start small. Also, start specific. Really, it’s not “move faster in the mornings” or “ leave the house earlier.” It’s “reduce the time wasted, wasted, wasted looking for shoes.”

Whatever you resolve to do this year, give yourself a break. So what if you may leave the house in mismatched shoes a couple (dozen) times? Change is gradual, after all!

Choosing to become a single mother is not an easy choice to make. That goes without saying. With considering everything from finances to doctors, even rethinking your living space, it’s enough to give anyone pause. What about having another after you’ve had your first?

Many of us are thinking about having a second child. We have a very active section on the SMC Forum about trying for a second child – it’s definitely a hot topic – and here’s one of the recent posts from there:

I’m wondering how moms of two or more are managing it? What’s easier/harder, how are you managing financially, what surprised you and knowing what you know now would you do it again?

I’m especially interested in hearing from the older moms – I’m 52 and have a 3 year old, and I’m trying to decide if I’m up for parenting two. I may adopt an older child – not sure I can do it even if the second one is 2-7.

I really want my daughter to have a sibling. And I really want to have a second child. But I’m not sure I have the physical stamina or the emotional strength/patience to do it. When we are having a good day I feel more confident, but on a bad day I think there’s no way in hell I could manage a second child.

I don’t have a lot of family/support nearby and I don’t have a lot of money to pay for help. Those are the two things that I could see making this more doable. I try to remind myself that they won’t be little forever and will be able to be more self-sufficient as they get older. But right now with a just-turned-3-yr-old I’m just not sure.

See the discussion of this topic on our Forum:
https://forums.singlemothersbychoice.org/viewtopic.php?f=49&t=27554

But what if choosing to become a single mother involves becoming a mother and becoming single?

The journey to motherhood for some of our SMC sisters has taken that path. From the SMC online Forum:

I am totally new to the discussions here and so glad to have this opportunity to exchange my thoughts with people going similar paths! Here’s my story. I always wanted to have a baby. My marriage ended several years ago after 13 years. We tried to have a child, but I never got pregnant. Since my divorce, I met someone and am in a good relationship, I’ve moved to a new house, and have a great job…but my partner has children from a previous marriage and doesn’t want to have any more. I always knew he was not really thrilled about it, but now I have a definitive no from him. So I have two choices: end up without a baby (and stay with my partner), or end my relationship and go ahead with the baby planning. I do not want to spend my next years looking for someone who would be a great partner and also wants to have a baby with me. I am 35 now, and feel like I need to decide in which direction I want to go.

The situation is very troubling. I am happy with my partner and the thought of leaving him is breaking my heart. On the other hand, the thought of getting older and knowing that I will never experience having my own baby is terrible, and I know that later I will regret it.

I know that this decision needs to be made by me, but maybe some of you went through a similar journey? Felt the happiness of being with a fantastic and loving partner, and in the same time the emptiness of missing something so important as a baby in your life? Knowing, you can’t have both? There are days when I am happy after a great day with my partner, and then terribly sad later on because I saw a mother with her baby, and fear that if I don’t change things, that isn’t going to be me.

I am perfectly comfortable with the idea of having a baby on my own, I consider myself a strong and well-organized person, who could give a child all the love needed (although I imagine the panic of not-being-so-perfect-as-I-thought will come later, if I definitely decide to become a single mom). But for now, I do struggle, and my mind is occupied by that topic 24/7.

I decided to talk to my partner and tell him that I am considering having a baby alone. Next I will set up an appointment with a clinic to talk about all the important topics – donor choice, costs, procedure, etc.. I know I need to decide, but I only can do that when I have a clear idea of what the “Plan B” is going to look like, and I am not sure yet that I am strong enough to do all that by myself. I am so scared that if I decide to do it alone my disappointment over the loss of my partner will effect the baby – which I don’t want, of course! For now, it feels like an impossible choice.
Thanks for listening (and hopefully sharing your thoughts)….it’s so good to put all that on paper!”

See the responses and most recent update to this question on our Forum:
https://forums.singlemothersbychoice.org/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=25575

So hey, “Anyone else planning their new little one in this shiny new year?”

Anyone else planning their new little one in this shiny new year? When I was planning for and then pregnant with my son I kept playing mental games like, “This is the year I’ll start trying to get pregnant” and, “This time next year I’ll be hanging out with my baby.” I’ve decided to try for #2 in the summer, so this is the year I will try to grow my family! If all goes well, this time next year I’ll be pregnant!

I’ve got 3 excellent embies on ice, all I have to do is get myself into a good place to give them the best shot possible. So: my New Years Goal is to move forward with the FET in August or Sept and my resolutions to get me there are to get as healthy as possible and organize my finances before then!! Hoping for a great 2017!

See the discussion of this topic on our Forum:
https://forums.singlemothersbychoice.org/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=27557

Those of us who chose donors from banks are familiar with the process of choosing the traits and characteristics you want, evaluating health histories, and so on.

Did you know that what you can do from your laptop, you can now do from your mobile device, in the United Kingdom anyway? How? There’s an app!

https://forums.singlemothersbychoice.org/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=27215

As a single mom, you have to adapt. That’s just a fact. Whether that’s asking for help, doing more in your “spare time” or just learning to do less in the time you have, the new year is the perfect time to lighten the load.

So the question is: What do you do to make your life easier? Share your tips and tricks, and help someone change her life this year!

See some answers to this question on our Forum:
https://forums.singlemothersbychoice.org/viewtopic.php?f=49&t=25203

SMC – Fertility IQ

Have you heard about FertilityIQ? I just recently learned about it and am very excited to share this great resource. FertilityIQ is a platform where verified fertility patients anonymously assess their fertility doctor, nurse, clinic, billing department and more. The data is free and really helps in choosing (or avoiding) a doctor or clinic.

SMC has an opportunity to both contribute to Fertility IQ and to benefit SMC. Thnkers and tryers can look up other women’s experiences with clinics and doctors. Those who are pregnant and already moms can help those just starting out by providing information about their experiences with fertility doctors.

We would appreciate your filling out a survey about your experiences with fertility doctors. And, FertilityIQ will make a donation to SMC for everyone referred by us who assesses their fertility doctor on their site!

To ensure that SMC gets credit for your survey, just type in “SMC” in answer to the question at the end that asks, “did someone suggest you assess your doctor?” (You can also forward this to anyone who may be interested in doing a survey.  As long as they put “SMC” as the answer to that question, we will get a donation.)

Please be as detailed as possible so that others may benefit from your experience.

You can  go here: https://www.fertilityiq.com/survey-intro to do an assessment of your fertility doctor.

Thanks to all in advance for filling out the surveys and for spreading the word about this!

Jane

You can see recent profiles of FertilityIQ in the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times .

Have some questions for our next Ask the Doctor column? Send them our way at smc-office@pipeline.com and we’ll pose them to one of our experts for an upcoming issue.

Vasiliki A. Moragianni, MD, MS, FACOG is an award-winning reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist at the Genetics & IVF Institute in Fairfax, VA. Dr. Moragianni is passionate about providing individualized, state-of-the-art fertility care to individuals and couples who wish to build a family. http://www.givf.com/aboutgivf/medicalteam.shtml#moragianni

What would you recommend patients do to boost fertility? Things such as baby aspirin to help with implantation, any foods etc. that help improve the lining of the uterus?

This is a very important question that a lot of patients trying to conceive are interested in.

Let us begin with some of the most commonly studied factors: diet/supplements, caffeine, smoking, alcohol, and drugs. There is very little solid evidence to support any particular diet (vegetarian, vegan, low-fat), or supplement (anti-oxidants, herbs) having a significant effect on fertility. That being said, you should make sure your physician is aware of any supplements (over the counter vitamins, herbs. etc.) that you are using so they can be carefully assessed on an individual basis. Also, as you are trying to conceive you should be taking at least 400 mcg daily of folic acid.

In terms of caffeine consumption, the general rule of thumb is that 1-2 cups of coffee daily before and during pregnancy do not decrease fertility or cause adverse outcomes. That is the equivalent of 250 grams of caffeine a day, and the estimate of your use should include other sources of caffeine as well, such as decaffeinated coffee, chocolate, tea, sodas, energy water, breath fresheners, etc.

We also know that, in addition to their increased risk of developing lung cancer, cervical cancer, bladder cancer, heart and lung disease, and osteoporosis, active and passive smokers take longer to achieve conception.

As long as alcohol consumption is limited to 1 drink daily there is no overwhelming evidence that it affects fertility. However, it is crucial that all consumption is discontinued as soon as pregnancy is achieved, since a safe alcohol level has not been established for pregnancy and its effects on fetal development can be detrimental and life-long. Furthermore, the use of marijuana, cocaine, heroin, and other recreational drugs should be avoided as it negatively affects fertility, as well as fetal development and pregnancy outcomes.

Weight also plays a very important role in fertility. Both underweight and overweight patients have lower pregnancy rates. During both weight extremes the brain, through intricate hormonal mechanisms, signals the rest of the body to shuttle energy away from the reproductive system. In addition, overweight and obese women are more likely to have menstrual irregularities and be affected by polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), where hormonal aberrations lead to immature ovulation and a cascade of events hindering fertility. Since pregnancy is always accompanied by weight gain and increased weight is positively correlated with obstetrical and neonatal complications, the pre-pregnancy weight should be as close to the ideal body weight for height as possible.

Weight loss or gain for patients on either extreme of the spectrum is undeniably challenging. It is thus essential that you work with your reproductive endocrinologist, nutritionist, and/or therapist to begin addressing some of the underlying issues. Do not underestimate the power of any change. You do not have to begin with a 20lb loss or gain; setting small and attainable goals is definitely more realistic and can make a big difference.

Several studies have evaluated the effects of environmental exposures on fertility and pregnancy, with conflicting results. In a nutshell, evidence shows that individuals consistently exposed to dry cleaning solvents, printing industry chemicals, lead, industrial microwaves, and high doses of bisphenol A, or who use herbicides, can experience a higher rate of infertility. All environmental exposures should be mentioned to your physician and discussed individually.

And then there is…stress…Trying to achieve a healthy pregnancy can in and of itself be very stress-provoking, at the same time that we are asking patients to minimize stress in their lives. We know that extreme amounts of chronic stress lead to hormonal signals that can decrease fertility. But does day-to-day stress do the same? The answer remains unclear but anything that can be done to decrease stress can only help. There are several effective treatment options, and a lot of them are specifically geared towards fertility, so patients and providers should not hesitate to initiate discussion and evaluation.

We can safely conclude that maintaining a healthy body and a positive attitude during this whole process will only increase your chance of achieving a healthy pregnancy. Please do not hesitate to seek medical attention for any of these issues.

New CPs

We’d like to wish a warm welcome and express our thanks to our newest SMC Contact People:

Katie Crouch: Chicago, IL (katie.crouch@gmail.com)

Ann Skoczenski: Boston, MA (annsko@gmail.com)

Rachel Kraus: Catonsville, MD (rlkraus001@gmail.com)

Very Sad News

One of our long-time members, Bethany (Obernon on the Forum), mom of a five-year old daughter, passed away unexpectedly at the end of last year. Bethany contributed a great deal to SMC – she had been a CP for the NYC Chapter, allowed us to use some of her blog posts for the SMC Blog, and was a very active and valuable member of the Forum. Her participation touched many of us.

When we learned of Bethany’s death, our  Forum members were so affected by this tragedy that we organized to create and pay for a special gift for her daughter that we hope will help her to remember her times with her mother and also help her to heal.

Many thanks to all of the members who contributed to the SMC Charitable Fund for this gift, and special thanks to Jessica Beck, who led the way, organized the effort, and kept us all involved and informed.